i feel for all the legitimate journalists at cnn that are going to lose their jobs and i dont want to downplay that but this is what happens when you launder fascist bull shit in ways that you know may be destructive but probably not for you personally and also we need maga eyeballs on my show

Schrodinger's Operator (noun): An individual who is simultaneously so badass as to be the only thing standing between you and the slavering hordes of darkness and such a pussy as to die immediately upon being exposed to snowballs or whistles.

Hey remember this

left my headphones at home and had to rawdog 75 minutes at the gym

it is darkly amusing that costco being singularly focused on interested in a) selling a good product b) satisfying the customer and c) making money renders it a unicorn among major consumer-facing firms

democrats should internalize that this is what their colleagues think of them and act accordingly

I cannot imagine the shit they’re shooting him up with to get him through tomorrow night

ASSANTE1.BMF

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing people local newspaper reporters are rarified elites instead of ink-stained wretches driving their Honda Civic to a crime scene so you know don’t have to rely on Nextdoor and the police press release.

this Pope fucking rules, man

basically any frozen pizza

I am never going to get over the fact thar so many Americans died that corpses stacked up in nursing homes and hospital morgues, that refrigerator trucks had to be brought in for the overflow, and that the big takeaway from Important Pundits is there should have been *less* mitigation.

The Supreme Court:

yes, the wheels of justice are slow. agonizingly, excruciatingly slow. and oftentimes they miss or go off the tracks entirely. in fact most of the time. but occasionally, very infrequently, that big wheel of justice delivers theoretical remuneration for a handful of vested business interests

The Roberts Court has a clear set of guidelines: the president can do anything he pleases, so long as it does not violate the rights of the owning class.

the reason he wants to bomb iran is because its penis to bomb things and vagina to be against bombing things, i know its stupid but it really is that simple

look at my country man, we’re getting out-No Kings’d by the fuckin’ british

Yoon and Prince Andrew wishing they had a friend like John Roberts.

Getting shown up in the arena of elite impunity by *the British monarchy* is an incredible “America at 250!” achievement

Was trying to remember a Will Forte quote from Tim & Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie and accidentally figured out how to make Google’s AI tool shut up

Heat (with Muppets)

this is very funny, but in context it’s even better. as a lifelong Jets fan, this is maybe the most succinct description of this cesspool of a team I’ve ever read

the logo is w/e, all that matters is the color scheme, which suggests they’re moving to some version of the Oilers’ uniforms, which: fuck yes

once again pointing out that Trump vs. US is a treasonous decision--the Supreme Court equivalent of January 6--and the justices who voted for it have forfeited any claim to legitimacy (or indeed due process) whatsoever

I was told by more than one voter that they didn't want to vote for Kamala Harris because she seemed kinda stupid, & this sort of deliberate coverage is exactly how people got that impression.

Have you ever once seen the New York Times quote Trump like this?

it’s obviously the Jets, because in addition to all the usual hurdles (awful owner, predacious media, big market, history of futility), there’s the fact that if you are willing to take the Jets job, you are by definition either stupid or insane, so you have to overcome that too

hello and welcome to the political genius exam. here is question one. which is a more compelling message: - the president is sending armies to occupy cities and kidnap and kill people and your town could be next - a meal at the cheesecake factory that previously cost $100 now costs $104.9

Your occasional reminder that we are still less than a year out from Mr. Popularism himself Matthew Yglesias insisting it was of the utmost political expedience for Democrats to simply allow Kilmar Abrego Garcia to be disappeared to a foreign country and tortured to death

no-brainer

In 1854, after watching the federal government deploy 2000 federal troops and spend $40,000 sending Anthony Burns back into slavery, Boston's Amos Adams Lawrence said “we went to bed one night old-fashioned, conservative, Compromise Union Whigs and waked up stark mad Abolitionists.”

Our legacy media endlessly perpetuates the assumption, for which there is no evidence, that Elon Musk is a comic book super genius inventor. So they never shift to the assumption, for which evidence abounds, that he's just a cheap charlatan sabotaging human progress for his own benefit.

how your email finds me

there’s a lot of hand-wringing about this dipshit winning in 28, but IMO someone will be the Warren to his Bloomberg and eviscerate him in a debate. “Why did you proclaim Ronald Reagan Day? Why are you friends with Ben Shapiro? Why did you gleefully trash an unhoused person’s stuff for a photo op?”

the absolute minimum required for my vote, in 2026 and 2028, is a firm commitment to putting these people in prison. I don’t care how good you are on other issues. I don’t care if it’s a purity test. if I don’t see a hard commit to imprisoning these people, you don’t get my vote, plain and simple

it's flu season, and caller ID shows my kids' school. Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass

It would be embarrassing under any circumstances to spend a year on this reactionary horseshit, but to have spent the year in which graduate students were sent to concentration camps for op-eds and the federal govt launched a no hold barred attack on academic freedom is just beyond

Pam Bondi Thought That Went Pretty Well

I can’t stop laughing about “and from New Jersey”

Kind of wild that Americans voted to protect democracy in 2020 and even though We The People put a Dem Trifecta in power, we ended up in an even worse position in 2024 because our elected officials didn't so shit for 4 years and hoped we would save them again from their inability to lead.

More accountability than anyone in Washington or in the news media

Look, all I'm saying is that if you just spent the last six years being frustrated with Durbin and you think there's a chance he's about to be replaced with a guy who thanks ICE for their service and takes AIPAC and crypto money, you should treat it like a very serious emergency

To reject the US as a fundamentally American country with a deep shared history and commonality with the rest of the Americas, including that Spanish has long been our de facto national second language, is on a deep level anti-American. It's hating actual American culture and history and tradition.