Diary of a Wimpy Kid

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Every time I read about crypto, I cry, and then turn over.

They’ve gone too far this time

Good lord, I have never been so careful to make sure I am not accidentally plagiarising jokes. 📝

@watsoncomedian.bsky.social your resurrection of the sea shanty plea has been heard it would seem. There is a Shanty Festival in Mevagissey later this month. The comeback is on

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability. #LunchPun

Tell you what, that Brunel chap wasn’t pissing about with his bridges

Quick hello to Plymouth based pals on my way through 👋

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Kids 3: Game Over

How not to illustrate the similarity of bone structures between humans & horses.

Evening

Seated for @thenewsatglenn.bsky.social

@mrchrisaddison.bsky.social Great advice from Mr Addison about opting out of the upcoming Gov emergency alerts. I’d just say that you actually need to search in ‘notifications’ on an iPhone. Simply searching ‘emergency alerts’ won’t show it straight away.

If you see something (horses), say something (horse)

Evening.

@matryer.bsky.social may have pressed play on the album at 00:01, such a joy to hear all the hits, plus some new bits. Shadow is genuinely so beautiful

'Dude, don't tell me you don't know about August 21. That's, what can I tell you, it's the day we all gather to eat these shitty herrings which smell like shit. And then afterwards we all release an album.' 'Release...?' 'An album, yeah.' itunes.apple.com/album/id1829...

An excellent excuse to revisit @matryer.bsky.social’s sublime work

Delivery from famed Taskmaster loser, @watsoncomedian.bsky.social today!

And how good was Jess Carter today? Coming back into the team and barely giving Spain an inch. Imperious at the back

Hannah. Fucking. Hampton. Huge gloves to fill, could not have done more. Hero

Thank you to all who’ve sent me birthday messages today! I have mostly had my feet up, with cake. Solid Friday, would do again

Hi Mark

Anyone know who some of these are?

Pretty sure you’re a book

So all those men who were smug about how shit women’s football was after the England penalties will be singing the praises of Germany and France, right?

You never bring a player on just to take a penalty. It does not work!

Excuse the football chat, but how the fuck have England managed that then?

Plucky guess strikes again

Happy birthday @ceri.io! Have an amazing day!

Incidentally, today is the 103rd anniversary of Johnny Weissmuller becoming the first swimmer to complete the 100m freestyle in under a minute, before, of course, playing Tarzn

County Mayo is short for Counterfeit Mayonnaise.

Bloody hell. Tired now.

3/4 of the acts are going to be very good, and I will only cause 5 minutes of pain. It’ll be worth it

“Remember to breathe. Breathing is important.” - Eve

I have adored this series, and I don’t want it to end, but I’m not going to miss those fucking Whoosh adverts #Taskmaster

While this isn’t me, this is also very much me

This is a great night and we’ve not sold as many tickets as I’d like - please come, tell your friends, you don’t even need to leave the house Book below 👇

Coherent Comedy, Next Monday

Post an unusual sign if you feel like it

🍓JULY LINE-UP🍓 Well doesn’t this look lovely. Please join us, a week tomorrow, for what will be a quite lovely and hilarious evening. Tickets below 👇 #CoherentComedy

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Come and listen to me tell bad jokes! I will personally reimburse the ticket cost for anyone who doesn’t laugh at or with me!

Timothy

I have two Soho Theatre based ones: - Held the door for Frank Skinner before seeing Frank Skinner - John Kearns had to squeeze past me when the bar was busy

🎵Pink 7-up, I’m gonna keep on dancing with my Pink 7-up🎵

The body?

Seated.