In June I will be running a Marathon in aid of Maggie’s, a charity that runs cancer centres across the country. If you are able to donate please do, but just having a read and sharing with people would be wonderful 🧡 Details below 👇 maggies.enthuse.com/pf/chris-jac...

Evening

I am open to receiving this compliment

Wes Streeting really is a horrible little cunt, isn't he?

“Washing machines live longer with Calgon”

You'll be visited by three spirits." The three spirits:

Ah, 4am. What a lovely time for a Grand Prix to start

🎵The Vengabus is coming, And we are very cunning, We're driving really close by, So we can steal its WiFi, I want to watch my TikToks, And old Lovejoys on Britbox, We're using all our gumption, And saving fuel consumption🎵

“Sir, a second spare ticket for tomorrow evening’s TMNYT recording has become available” Shout if you want it!

🍓MERCHANDISE🍓 The moment you’ve all been waiting for. Not sure we can quite believe it, but we have merch! It’s so pretty… #CoherentComedy coherent-comedy.teemill.com

If anyone is free on Weds (19th) we've ended up with a spare paid guaranteed ticket for the NYT Taskmaster recording (evening). If you fancy going and don't mind hanging out with a bunch of TM nerds please send me a DM! 😊

"This energy!!!" 👏👏👏👏 Zack Polanski joins Rizzle Kicks out on stage in Bristol

Husband and wife funeral transport, call it His & Hearse

Husband and wife funeral transport, call it His & Hearse

This you @profiterolo.bsky.social?

Arsenal have got a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD, Max Dowman, on. He is the first ever person to play in the Champions League about whom you can say definitively he was never in a Woolworth's.

Be careful with what your kids get when trick-or-treating. I remember when I was young and bit into a snickers I was given; before I knew it, I was in the middle of a marathon

Never became as popular as "ET Phone Home" did it

Change one letter. Ruin a candy. Shittles

The first paperback vending machine was installed at Charing Cross Station in 1937 by Penguin books. They called it the ‘Penguincubator’. (📷: STML)

"You snouvre you louvre", is that a thing

My condolences, @jlukeroberts.bsky.social, sounds like a terrible cyber attack on you

I went to a facial anatomy museum that was shaped like a human face. The ticket desk was in the left nostril. I paid through the nose.

Happy birthday @eve-comedy.bsky.social! Hope you have the best day

Why is it you get underground and overground but not underwater and overwater?

Oh, the grand old duke of york He ██████████████████ He ██████████████████ And he ██████████████████

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

🍊🌈🩲

Every time I read about crypto, I cry, and then turn over.

They’ve gone too far this time

Good lord, I have never been so careful to make sure I am not accidentally plagiarising jokes. 📝

@watsoncomedian.bsky.social your resurrection of the sea shanty plea has been heard it would seem. There is a Shanty Festival in Mevagissey later this month. The comeback is on

I'll never admit that I'm still the one who keeps stopping my wife's 'Man, I Feel Like a Woman' CD, because I've got pausable Shaniability. #LunchPun

Tell you what, that Brunel chap wasn’t pissing about with his bridges

Quick hello to Plymouth based pals on my way through 👋

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy Kids 3: Game Over

How not to illustrate the similarity of bone structures between humans & horses.

Evening

Seated for @thenewsatglenn.bsky.social

@mrchrisaddison.bsky.social Great advice from Mr Addison about opting out of the upcoming Gov emergency alerts. I’d just say that you actually need to search in ‘notifications’ on an iPhone. Simply searching ‘emergency alerts’ won’t show it straight away.

If you see something (horses), say something (horse)

Evening.

@matryer.bsky.social may have pressed play on the album at 00:01, such a joy to hear all the hits, plus some new bits. Shadow is genuinely so beautiful

'Dude, don't tell me you don't know about August 21. That's, what can I tell you, it's the day we all gather to eat these shitty herrings which smell like shit. And then afterwards we all release an album.' 'Release...?' 'An album, yeah.' itunes.apple.com/album/id1829...

An excellent excuse to revisit @matryer.bsky.social’s sublime work

Delivery from famed Taskmaster loser, @watsoncomedian.bsky.social today!

And how good was Jess Carter today? Coming back into the team and barely giving Spain an inch. Imperious at the back

Hannah. Fucking. Hampton. Huge gloves to fill, could not have done more. Hero

Thank you to all who’ve sent me birthday messages today! I have mostly had my feet up, with cake. Solid Friday, would do again