Kid in my nursery setting: Who's [new kid]? Me: That's Gunnar [not actual name, obvs, but similarly Viking-esque] Kid: Why? Me: ...I...I think his father is Scandinavian. Colleague: *snort* Me: I didn't know how to answer the question!

Me, forgetting the phrase "salad dressing": Where is he?! Bernard, where is the salad man???

Yessss, new soft-spoken female driving instructor, automatic car, intensive course 💪

Beautiful 🥹

Bet *your* office doesn’t have a horrible barbershop quartet of babies.

I only want to do comedy, watch nostalgic stuff, drink coffee, stroke cats and kiss a nice man.

Fair play, teen lad who gave me a weird look just now, I *was* singing ‘things are pretty cooool in Nazareth’ at the time.

Fab night headlining at the Ray Turner Awards. Also won both best laugh (as an audience member) and best laugh (from the audience, as a comedian).

Rare image of a puppeteer being born

Anwen: I'm still hungry. Me: You can grab some more food. Anwen: What is there? Me: I don't know, go have a look. Anwen: *disappears into the kitchen* ... Anwen: *emerges from the kitchen with a whole raw courgette and a handful of mini marshmallows*

There is nothing a person can offer you that is as fraught with potential disappointment as an "Eat-Me Date".

Praise be! I have found a way to change my duvet cover without crying and screaming into a pillow! It's a Christmas miracle! 🤩

Someone alert Flo and Joan!

It’s my time of year for hauntology and folk horror. I’ve been watching the 70s anthology series Beasts, and now I’m listening to a BBC radio drama of The Owl Service 😍

Hi pals, I am still just surviving from one day to the next. But I get to see @crisishummus.bsky.social very soon, so that’s good ❤️

I’m so easily pleased. Was feeling really low but then I got a very mediocre cup of coffee and now I’m fine.

Team building day today. I plan to be egregiously neurodivergent.

Chrissy Derbyshire Innards WIP out of context:

Just randomly remembered the existence of a Christmas decoration called "angel hair". I hated it as a child, although it was pretty, because it was made of hair-thin threads of fibreglass so you'd get little micro-cuts on your hands when you used it.

Sixteenth birthday party achieved!

Me, aged 41, delusionally digging my appearance in the mirror:

Wound up taking a sick day. Just couldn't do it. Gonna have to have an official chat with my boss because it's my fifth one in a year.

Got a full work day and then prep for Anwen’s birthday party tomorrow and I’ve got a migraine. Help.

Lovely synergy on my timeline.

Found AI-generated wine. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

Imagine how powerful I will be once I snag myself a cute soft man 💪

Where's *my* £18m overhaul to rescue me from romantic decay??? 😡

This carrot is an orphan. This snowman won't see its children this year. Paddington is dying of a wasting disease. Now here's Smack My Bitch Up sung by Katie Melua.

*rapidly losing blood in the waiting room, confident in the knowledge that the doctor will be grateful I did some of the surgery groundwork for him*

Incorrect scale. The number of laughter is of course 5318008 upside down.

It looks like they've both just woken up after a really ill-advised one-night stand.

If you're in Swansea the week after next...

Anwen *singing to Bernard*: 🎵That cat is a cat. He is very nice and floofy🎵 Me *joining in*: 🎵He should wear a hat. He would look so fab and groovy🎵

Finally getting around to watching the last episode of Taskmaster 🥳

Happy two-year anniversary of this unused bit of "material" to all who celebrate.

One of my best ever gigs 😍

OH NO YOU CAUGHT ME BANG TO RIGHTS I AM GUILTY OF BEING ADORABLE ☺️

A chimp with a limp, because I could gift a gibbon with a shiny new ribbon but I am not qualified to perform surgery on a chimpanzee (yet).

I’d go back in time and slap Shakespeare with a Peperami Wide-Boy just to see if it influenced his oeuvre.

‘There was a FISH in the PERCOLATOR!’

I’ve not gigged in Leicester yet and I’m not familiar with the scene there, but I’m sure some of my friends will jump in here and answer!

I’d love to go to New Zealand ❤️

10!

The wad of cash I receive in payment for a gig.

Please entertain me on my long journey to Plymouth 🙏 ngl.link/screenselkie

There will be a meat raffle at tonight’s gig, so naturally I will be getting blackout drunk and impressing the CEO of Pork with my eloquent defence of traditional sausage casings. #WWMWD

Good morning everyone 😅

If you’re in Plymouth tomorrow (I realise this will not be many of you), come see me headlining the Punchline at the Railway Social Club!

Very busy day! Made an interactive stick-the-features-on-Pudsey activity (pictured) and cleaned up a poo disaster (not pictured).

Made a friend. S/he is currently asleep on my backpack, which is still on my back.