I have it on good authority that a member of the Royal Family has several nasty ulcers. But I can't say anything else about them. Four regal lesions.

Someone has nicked almost all of the tiles from my game of Scrabble 😢 Just FYI.

Someone has nicked almost all of the tiles from my game of Scrabble 😢 Just FYI.

Very much enjoyed recording a couple of episodes of @punnit.bsky.social, the competitive wordplay gameshow podcast last week (but I'm not so sure they enjoyed me! I do hope they have me back 🤣). TikTokkers can see some teasers here: vm.tiktok.com/ZNdK6vkPA/

Of all the terrible social media posts credited to priests with names that translate to 'Sausage', this one is by Father Wurst.

Me: Love your glasses Optician: Thanks Me: Do you wear them all the time? Optician: Let's focus on you Me: Sure! *staring at 'U' on the eye chart* Optician: No, focus on your eyes! Me: *staring at 'I'* Optician: *defeated* Oh. Me: *staring at 'O'* *tuts* Make your mind up...

Peter Andre lost his job at the zoo styling all the flightless birds with hair straighteners, because he missed a rhea's curl. #LunchPun

I barely get a mention in my wife's new autobiography, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.

I couldn't find anywhere to sit at the zoo earlier, because everyone was watching a marsupial complain about having to use a urinal. It was standing 'roo moan wee. #LunchPun

I barely get a mention in my wife's new autobiography, which says a lot more about her than it does about me.

- Will you please stop trying to make me tell you my favorite sweets for ONE MINUTE, I'm trying to visualise what our entrance lobby would look like covered in woven willow twigs. - Wickerish hall thoughts? - I SAID STOP FOR ONE MINUTE!

- Will you please stop trying to make me tell you my favorite sweets for ONE MINUTE, I'm trying to visualise what our entrance lobby would look like covered in woven willow twigs. - Wickerish hall thoughts? - I SAID STOP FOR ONE MINUTE!

- I'm doing Movember to fund a secret storage facility for my fragrant gum resin, that you can only access if you hum a short section of 'Messiah'. - Handel bar myrrh stash? - No, full walrus.

- I'm doing Movember to fund a secret storage facility for my fragrant gum resin, that you can only access if you hum a short section of 'Messiah'. - Handel bar myrrh stash? - No, full walrus.

'Always start with cab back', you and I counter (6)

I've bred some large tartan rabbits that I keep in a taut hanging canvas bed. I keep trying to order them by size, but my wife says I've got bigger things to worry about and I'm just rearranging the checked hares on the tight hammock. #LunchPun

I'm currently trying to sell a thermos with absolutely no capacity for any liquid. It's a tankless flask.

I've bred some large tartan rabbits that I keep in a taut hanging canvas bed. I keep trying to order them by size, but my wife says I've got bigger things to worry about and I'm just rearranging the checked hares on the tight hammock. #LunchPun

I'm currently trying to sell a thermos with absolutely no capacity for any liquid. It's a tankless flask.

The patron saint of not being in love is St. Francis of 10cc.

When I die, I'd like my ashes to be put into a light coloured jar, weighted, and thrown into the Seine. Some people prefer a standard burial, but for me that... just... pale sinking Paris urn. #LunchPun

RIP my Dutch friend who ate his shoes, went to the toilet and plopped his clogs.

RIP my Dutch friend who ate his shoes, went to the toilet and plopped his clogs.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I'm a wee beaver.

My new art installation of a bowl, finely balanced on the edge of a table, is not recommended for those who suffer with a nervous dish position.

I came last in a sloth impersonation contest. I won't be doing that again in a hurry.

I'm in a legal tussle with the red Teletubby over the ownership of a cabbage salad. It's complicated because she's substituted all but ten percent of it with a peppery Chinese sauce, but there's legal precedent because Po's szechuan is nine-tenths of the slaw.

My new art installation of a bowl, finely balanced on the edge of a table, is not recommended for those who suffer with a nervous dish position.

I got fired from Argos after designing a brochure containing only clothes horses. It was a catalogue of airers.

One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I'm a wee beaver.

I didn't like the swimming goggles I bought on holiday in France because of the l'eau visibility.

I didn't like the swimming goggles I bought on holiday in France because of the l'eau visibility.

- I keep asking my local arena when Ronan Keating will be playing there next, but they won't talk to me. - Venue say nothing at all? - I don't care what he sings.

When I was forced to sell my drum kit and gig using kitchen pots and pans instead, that's when I knew I'd hit wok bottom.

My wife and I didn't speak the whole time we were on the M62 because she wanted apple crumble for dessert, and I wanted banoffee pie. The road to Hull is paved with pudding tensions. #LunchPun

Hull hath no fury like a woman sconed?

You haven't tried the new mallard flavoured milk that's all the rage in Paris? Well, this is your ducky lait!

I got fired from my job at KFC for making an effigy of our founder out of the corn on the cobs. All hail Kernel Sanders! #lunchpun

My wife and I didn't speak the whole time we were on the M62 because she wanted apple crumble for dessert, and I wanted banoffee pie. The road to Hull is paved with pudding tensions. #LunchPun

*logs on assuming this post has gone viral* Oh. *tells myself it's probably because of pedantry re the lower case i, innit* bsky.app/profile/paul...

I keep most of my clips for hanging out washing in an old haemorrhoid treatment hamper. I leave a few on the line too, because i don't want to put all my pegs in one arse kit.

I resent making polite smalltalk at the urinals with blokes who can't be bothered to use the liquid soap afterwards, so let's just dispense with the pleasant wees? #LunchPun

[Interview] - Can I ask you to tell me why you want the job, in just three words? - Sure. - Why want job?

My underwhelming plan to stop the young female runaway horse was whoa filly inadequate.

There's a good chance that Freddy Krueger has alternative glove attachments for use around the kitchen. I bet he's got a few scary tongs in the closet. #Lunchpun

Never mind being put on a pedestal, I want to BE the pedestal. A plinth among men.

When I was forced to sell my drum kit and gig using kitchen pots and pans instead, that's when I knew I'd hit wok bottom.

- Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It's a prank, I don't know what else to call it. - Shenanigan? - Don't you start.

Apparently there's controversy over GCSE Maths questions being printed in invisible ink, but I don't see the problem.

The rollout of instant cappuccino mix in UK prisons has triggered safety concerns, as inmates take to pouring the powder directly into kettles - maximizing foaminess, but resulting in clogged spouts and minor burns, sadly proving that too many crooks boil the froth. #LunchPun