- My mate found an ancient packet of Polos in a reception room in a historic London building. He's just tried one. - How's his off parlour-mint? - House of Lords, actually.

Stop being nasty about the lack of variety in my frozen legume shop. Just bean ice.

An hour dancing on grave may result in sore head? (8)

- Why is it dark in here? - *abruptly* With the lights out, it's less dangerous. - Well there's no need for such a Kurt reply.

[POLICE OFFICER SELECTION INTERVIEW] - Tell me about your experience. - Well, since I left school I've mainly worked doing pedicures for difficult cats. - Wait, your CV said you had years of experience in... - *quietly* Claw Enforcement.

There once was a hypnotist poodle, Who'd use pastry to mess with your noodle, Your mind he'd subvert, Through German dessert, Then claim he was just misconstrudel.

- As a treat I'm going to cook you some calf meat whilst singing an Aretha Franklin song in the style of Jay Aston from Bucks Fizz. - You make me veal like a not-Cheryl woman? - No, 'Respect'.

- Why is it dark in here? - *abruptly* With the lights out, it's less dangerous. - Well there's no need for such a Kurt reply.

[POLICE OFFICER SELECTION INTERVIEW] - Tell me about your experience. - Well, since I left school I've mainly worked doing pedicures for difficult cats. - Wait, your CV said you had years of experience in... - *quietly* Claw Enforcement.

There once was a hypnotist poodle, Who'd use pastry to mess with your noodle, Your mind he'd subvert, Through German dessert, Then claim he was just misconstrudel.

- As a treat I'm going to cook you some calf meat whilst singing an Aretha Franklin song in the style of Jay Aston from Bucks Fizz. - You make me veal like a not-Cheryl woman? - No, 'Respect'.

- I've just ordered a new *very naughty* fancy dress outfit from my supplier in Paris. - French made? - No, Dennis the Menace.

Based on my general experience, I'd say don't get into body piercings for nursery rhyme characters just to fund a shelter for your outdoor swimming area. That said, when Humpty Dumpty asked me to do his nose, I did achieve my goal. But that's the egg septum that rooves the pool.

Based on my general experience, I'd say don't get into body piercings for nursery rhyme characters just to fund a shelter for your outdoor swimming area. That said, when Humpty Dumpty asked me to do his nose, I did achieve my goal. But that's the egg septum that rooves the pool.

Elvis Presley's hound dog kept getting arrested because he was tryin' all the crime.

There's a brilliant urban legend that Jerry Lee Lewis once employed a Japanese hostess just to alter the documents on wooden shipping containers. Good myth's Geisha's crate falsifier!

I just bought a double disc LP, but the second record had one completely blank surface. Which left me feeling D-Side diddly unhappy.

There's a brilliant urban legend that Jerry Lee Lewis once employed a Japanese hostess just to alter the documents on wooden shipping containers. Good myth's Geisha's crate falsifier!

I just bought a double disc LP, but the second record had one completely blank surface. Which left me feeling D-Side diddly unhappy.

- I saw that chap from Ultravox in a beauty salon today. He was very excitable. - Manic Ure? - No, I think he was getting his eyebrows waxed.

I like to shower like Frank Sinatra did, and so I face the vinyl curtain.

I've spent ages trying to pick this up, but it's not moving. Must be one of them bar nickels.

I've spent ages trying to pick this up, but it's not moving. Must be one of them bar nickels.

- There's reports of several local heifers being found dressed as medieval fools. - Jester cow incidents? - No, police think they're linked.

- There's reports of several local heifers being found dressed as medieval fools. - Jester cow incidents? - No, police think they're linked.

[Actors Rehearsing] - And you can see the effect of coastal erosion on the... er... on the... um... - *whispers* It's 'Shoreline'! - *whispers* Yes I know, but I can't remember it.

My wife was *not* impressed when I came downstairs dressed as the Grim Reaper, but she's the one who said 'doom aura round the house'.

My wife was *not* impressed when I came downstairs dressed as the Grim Reaper, but she's the one who said 'doom aura round the house'.

[Actors Rehearsing] - And you can see the effect of coastal erosion on the... er... on the... um... - *whispers* It's 'Shoreline'! - *whispers* Yes I know, but I can't remember it.

- It's mixed fortunes for my cat today. He has to go to the vet, but he's also getting his award for Divorce Lawyer of the Year. - Feline wonder de-wedder? - No, just a check-up.

My personal insecurities all come from that time I slow cooked a goose and let it rest at the bottom of the larder, only for my wife to use it for air rifle target practice, leading to low shelf confit dents.

I can't stop obsessing about which is the best of the star-themed treats at my local bakery. Is it Cupcake Canopus? Or Angel Cake Alpha Centauri? My wife made me go to the doctor about it, but he says it's Muffin Sirius.

In case I ever become well known, I'm revising my will so that my school principal no longer gets my DVD about the students at New York City’s High School of Performing Arts. I won't let Fame go to my head.

In case I ever become well known, I'm revising my will so that my school principal no longer gets my DVD about the students at New York City’s High School of Performing Arts. I won't let Fame go to my head.

I can't stop obsessing about which is the best of the star-themed treats at my local bakery. Is it Cupcake Canopus? Or Angel Cake Alpha Centauri? My wife made me go to the doctor about it, but he says it's Muffin Sirius.

My personal insecurities all come from that time I slow cooked a goose and let it rest at the bottom of the larder, only for my wife to use it for air rifle target practice, leading to low shelf confit dents.

I was going to sing a song about the time I went to the gym dressed as the 6th letter of the alphabet, but I'm toned F.

I was going to sing a song about the time I went to the gym dressed as the 6th letter of the alphabet, but I'm toned F.

I've got a map showing the home address of the tyrannical chap who created these regulations... Eggs marks despot!

Should I conduct an experiment to see what happens when bishops' hats are on too tight? Hmm. Mitres swell...

Should I conduct an experiment to see what happens when bishops' hats are on too tight? Hmm. Mitres swell...

I call my boss Moses, because he keeps threatening me with Red undone Sea.

I call my boss Moses, because he keeps threatening me with Red undone Sea.

My family were very poor growing up, and I had some terrible birthday presents. One year I got a cuddly ape, stolen from a Frenchman's car. But sometimes you just have to take voiture gibbon.

My family were very poor growing up, and I had some terrible birthday presents. One year I got a cuddly ape, stolen from a Frenchman's car. But sometimes you just have to take voiture gibbon.

Bonnie Tyler asked if I'd carry an exit sign at one of her gigs, in return for a small chocolate, so I'm holding 'OUT' for a Hero.

Bonnie Tyler asked if I'd carry an exit sign at one of her gigs, in return for a small chocolate, so I'm holding 'OUT' for a Hero.

Those with tickets for Jeremy Corbyn's hypnotism show, please take the entrance on the left. And for Nigel Farage's medieval lyric poetry it's Troubador on the right. #LunchPun

- Shall we go to see that new film about the discovery of a tree that it's believed provided the leaves used by Adam and Eve to protect their modesty? - It's a date! - Fig, actually... #LunchPun