the Artemis mission really brings back memories of those bygone simpler days, before Trump, when me and the boys would sneak off behind the moon to smoke weed

“I give up Drinking for the rest of the year” vs “I give up. Drinking for the rest of the year” Punctuation matters

I said I was sorry for stabbing you 7 times in the leg, please respond

at disneyland telling random kids this is all bullshit

They're lucky if there is one witness to a murder, but they require two at a wedding, so that tells you which is more dangerous.

"Thank you for your payment." Thank YOU for exploiting my desire for continued existence.

Subtitles are nature’s sleeping pills

If they're old enough to go to school they're old enough to hitchhike there.

Yet another desperate email from a company on its last limb. Sorry bucko capitalism ain't workin for me either

I was just in a liquor store and it said you have to be born before this date in 2002 to purchase liquor. And then I died a little more inside.

When staying at hotels I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view.

Extracting the power of awesomeness from a person is only a crime if they’re seriously using it at the time.

im on your balcony let me in

(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot

if you dont look like your icon please never post a selfie dont ruin the romanticized version of you ive created in my head

If we can learn nothing else from the Saw franchise, we are severely underutilizing industrial spaces.

If you’ve run out of hope, I just want you to know the turtles from Rocky are still alive.

Fucking Ohio legalized weed before us. OHIO. What the fuck is wrong with you, Florida.