Art is the world's G spot

Hot male nurse said I have "great veins", so I'm thinking a June ceremony

*reaches acceptance* *goes back to denial*

At 1000 followers I'm showing pinky

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work

I have 2 dance moves: stripper and I wanna go home

He showed up and that's a deal breaker

My family crest is a coupon

Focaccia would be a great name for an hysterical matriarch

Sorry I disappeared for 10 years, it was a reflex

Damn boy, are you my self esteem? because lower

She was rare, like a goth with dimples

Dust is yesterday particles, sweat is now juice, dreams are the director's cut

It's lonely at the top? now I really wanna go

I'm getting a lot of Oscar buzz since my upstairs neighbor Oscar went off his meds

Men will literally swim naked in a Bass Pro shop aquarium instead of going to therapy

BREAKING: Sex dolls unionize, demand more closet space

He calls you doll face because you have dead eyes and you're his transitional object

*somehow gives a sarcastic hug*

It's ok house, I'm settling too

The enemy of my enemy isn't doing a very good job

Every room is an escape room when someone starts reading their work

You can shoot the messenger, as a little treat

All pets are rocks

Raisin hate is ageism

We're all just our parents' emotional support DNA

So, is there a Mrs. Elephant Man?

Oh, you like yourself? how quaint

Excuse me Sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

Everyone should be presumed gay until they come out as bi

I'm between personalities

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

What's So Good About It? - A morning show

*takes delusional as a compliment*

One day I'm going to make some very lucky man a wonderful case study

Single and dready to mingle

Birthday candles should be shaped like little headstones

mind me

In Texas you can rob a bank with a copy of Beloved

Throw pillows is an instruction

Gee, I sure hope my intrusive thoughts get a lot of likes this year

I'm still writing Good Luck on all my checks

Another year? have we learned nothing?!

Excuse me waiter, there's a tiny Jeff Goldblum in my soup

I've seen you take communion so why can't you take a hint?

Money doesn't buy happiness but it can pay for the expedition

Throw pillows is an instruction

Me: Also me: The voices in my head: Fo shizzle... Chin up, old chap... Location, location, location

All the boys who've been brought to the yard by my milk have found it unshakeable

Money doesn't buy happiness but it can pay for the expedition