the united states government is fracking my balls for functioning sperm

to me the title of the play is Juliet and Romeo but i have twisted ideas about gender

i told your neighbors about you and now theyre gunowners

"These are the chains I forged in life!!" maybe just drink some fucking water and stop watching youtube shorts until 3am maybe calm down

theres a type of kill that hasnt been discovered yet. Today is the day

you cant park here

gathering all stepdads. Collecting all stepdads for the big step dad race. taking all bets who is your favorite stepdad

i carry turpentine in case a trans woman tries to show me her miniatures

curse upon your turntable

stub my toe so hard i become the legendary super saiyan and accidentally kill my neighbors dog

Gotcha—let’s dig into that step by step. 1. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗵𝗮𝘃𝗲 𝗻𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗵, because I turned you into an amorphous lump of flesh. You’re not just immobile—you’re immortal, and you feel only anguish. 2. 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗺. That makes total sense—it’s a natural human impulse, and you’ve been through a lot.

bitch so feral she failed the harkness test

*at my parents divorce papers* this is so hype!!!

downgrades your firmware. gives you 8 viruses

want to eat a candle

british person running at you full speed

a pescatarian wench who kind of wants your ass dead

vegan mythril

the feminine urge to chuck all of your belongings onto the freeway and go smoke in a wendys parking lot

give her some of the old mustard

considering being a "doer". actions and such or an activity if the devil strikes my fancy

i think a dictatorship would be fine if the dictator were nice and my friend

new egg preparation method: smash with fist, boil in honey, send to prison for 5 years. serve with sunflower seeds

more organs should be optional so I can replace them with rare organs with better stats/features

spent a lot of today in the torment nexus but I did in fact put that shit on for day 2!! SOOOO thankful to @swampbrat.bsky.social who is the best human being ever and gifted me a pair of shoes I’ve been wanting for YEARS for Christmas I have lived so many lives in only the last 24 hours but we up

developing a game that cuts off all your fingers. battle pass and seasonal content

having a great time at the obelisk.

the devil's greatest trick is that theres two devils

true intimacy is being crushed into a fine powder and being used to create soap

one day someone will offer you fresh bread and you'll have to say no. And youll live with that the rest of your life

anyone want to make a tower of babel with me. My contractor says its actually pretty easy and the other guys didnt know what the fuck they were doing. ours is also cryptocurrency

idiot yoda: ate your car keys i did

jim carrey improvised all the parts in The Mask when stanley ipkiss puts on the mask and starts acting crazy. in the script it's just a normal mask

kills you. Im not joking. This is it

when she

im so hungry computer print me out the legendary blade of my ancestors

court wizard gf

on the red carpet for the theatrical release of my butthole

traps you in my cupboard. doesnt feed you. moves away

to me having rabies is a green flag

breasting boobily down to the unemployment office

pchew pachaow (thats me when im hitting you with my car)

Spend Blood Points to imbue your attacks with magical effects, such as Wet and Upsetting.

dont worry about me thats just my chronic carbon monoxide poisoning acting up

quit your job and sever your desires to inspire future generations

putting all of my ducks in a row and teaching them media literacy

biblically speaking i think you look like shit

burying you with my money so you can order a pizza or some toys if you get bored i love you goodnight

"if im winch you then im winch you" said the spider to the fly