i sure wish this horrible machine (in whose belly i am trapped) would start bleeding to death

we slidin

imagine arguing about who someone voted for

share if you agree

my favorite part of the wellness coup is how 95% of communiques i get regarding my health insurance are just telling me to get a device (a thing to gather and probably transmit lots of Data about me) or download an app (also the data thing)

have you guys tried obeying in advance? this? this shit rules

legally speaking any object that spins and hums is a hurdy gurdy

the correct singular of jeeves is jeef

This chart is missing THE ONE.

Do you ever cry at the sublime ecstasy of getting to watch your homies get old and gray and plump with you?

being scared of public transit is the kind of thing that emits so many hitler particles you can smell them in the air

if he got run over by a riding mower you all would have said so, nobody's tricking me into watching this shit

engaging in 900 Calories Of Lunch Thought

checking in with the inexplicably pressed homie. i asked how his day is going a few hours ago and just got a text back that says only "dinnertime 😫😫😫💀💀💀"

i know exactly what is going to result from recent events but i never work for free. please deposit $5000 into my accounts to know the future

this is only going to lead to companies and individuals rushing in to levy tarriffs of their own. the physics of the free market dictates it; it always seeks equilibrium

i wake up. i open routle. i gaze at the lines on the screen for up to eight seconds before i open palm slam the mental vhs tape of every route im qualified on and view them in my mind palace. then i select the correct answer first time every time

you know what i dont get about mad men. in the opening scene don draper is plummeting amidst conceptual skyscrapers covered in 1960s advertising. but in the next scene he is sitting on a couch perfectly fine with a cigarette

you tellung me an egg dropped this soup

they need to do necromancy on patrick o'brian, they need to do some struggle sessions on patrick o'brian, and they need to make patrick o'brian write 20.5 novels on the long march

one thing thats cool about geothermal heat pumps is how simple they are to install. just dig a hole and throw one end of your heat pump down it. doesnt matter which

FRAGILE BY BIRTH // FRANGIBLE BY CHOICE

Here it is, your moment of zen.

every so often during a downturn you'll see people with tech jobs going "maybe i'll just go work as a plumber". and like, i get what's intended. but it can read like those people wistful for subsistence farming

All Wives Are Brothers

in all honesty if louisa was going to alcott she would have done it by now

when someone my age says "we look soo much younger than older generations did at our age" is makes me perish instantly every time

oh wow, the guy who i've only heard of because he says annoying stuff said something annoying? that's crazy dude

the people who weren't on cohost for the 5 minutes cohost existed must also learn of Bitch House

holm laegried born 1997, charlie mingus died 1979 close enough welcome back to the angry man of jazz

the evidence does in fact suggest that movies are pretty much four stars

sometimes people will respond to the trolley problem with "i would split the switch and do a controlled derailment". this drives some people insane because they're ignoring the premise; it drives me insane because thats not how trolleys, switches, or derailments work

being a hater is something so sacred

bad bunny was noticeably silent on the topic of drake's pedophilia

im going to build a rocket that works off the kuleshov effect

drafts are for cowards. just post that shit

what does bad bunny have against suriname

if you have a ring camera you are a child, terrified of the silhouette of a jacket hanging on a chair. you are lower than a worm to me. you have sold your soul to a devil that has offered you nothing in return

the "watch it for the ads" movement *must* end in mass arrests

the fantasy of sprinting through neighborhoods wearing predator cloaking tech and smashing every single ring doorbell camera with a fireplace poker. blinding the AI, home by home

at some point watching the illegal stream isnt even about saving money anymore. its about the principle

A cat is basically a smallish buddyman

let me call you back boss I’m with a custoid right now [hangs up] i’ve been dreaming of ways to serve you.