Why would anyone ever pay a chiropractor when getting into a low speed car accident is free?

well credit where credit’s due: it’s 2035 and i’m driving to work in elon musk’s moon city—or rather my optimus robot chauffeur is, heh. i’m just kicking back and enjoying the view. what kind of a name for a moon bridge is owl creek

Kamala Harris warned us about my dick getting stuck in the Coca-Cola bottle

My mast cells are wild type but they degranulate when I’m not getting enough attention.

elon musk announces ambitious plan to become “first pedophile on the moon”

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

Erm methinks there is a 0% chance of Jesus coming back because he's been dead a couple millennia and his magical sky father is not real

Love my psych peeps but too many of these residents are influencers on my tiktok I’m sorry we gotta start making you carry more patients.

This is what it feels like every time I read Pynchon:

Doctor says to elderly patient: “I need a sample of your blood, urine, & stool.” Patient says “What?!” Doctor repeats himself: “a sample of your blood, urine, & stool.” Patient says “What?!” Patient’s wife says “Oh just give him your underwear!” Patient again says “What?” because he cannot hear

[the post]: Dems can only do so much, their hands are tied! [the bio]: ⌜ 𝗗𝗲𝘀𝘁𝗿𝗼𝘆𝗲𝗿 𝗼𝗳 𝗖𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘁𝗮𝗹𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀 ⌝ @ᴡᴏʀᴋɪɴɢ_ᴄʟᴀꜱꜱ_ᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ Resist All Oppressors Death Before Surrender #FuckTrump #BlueCrew ⌞ #LeftiesOfTheWorldUnite ⌟

when I find a turkey leg on the floor of the dungeon

BREAKING: The two federal immigration agents who fired on Minneapolis protester Alex Pretti are identified in government records as Border Patrol agent Jesus Ochoa and Customs and Border Protection officer Raymundo Gutierrez.

starting volume II (even though I have four other unfinished books in the rotation at the moment)

"Normalize _____" Ok you first. Be normal about anything for five minutes

this is like that time the chicken lady from parappa the rapper met nicolae ceaușescu

how many of your citizens have to be beaten, abducted, raped or murdered by federal forces before you understand these mewling pleas will never be enough to get them to stop

It’s time to start denying societal services to ICE agents. It’s time to start denying services to people who have personal ties to ICE agents and say it’s complicated. It’s time to start [redacted].

the people are going to find the way forward. have to consider democrat electeds collaborators at this point, protecting regime butchers and hoping it blows over to save their own hide. the blood is on their hands too

[after crashing my car into a kindergarten again] I am a child of divorce and you will NOT speak to me about personal responsibility.

If I don't get any likes on my posts, how am I going to feed my children?

if you admit to being charmed by bari weiss the state should assign a chaperone for your day to day life. like you need corner protectors put in your house. you need to switch to velcro shoes

While it’s great that Stancil is doing what he’s doing regarding ICE it’s probably worth noting he’s currently arguing that armed revolution against fascists can’t co-exist w/ peaceful protest, & also posting about how liberalism is “radical liberation”. This is the dregs of revolutionary thinking.

No you can't fold dead eyed fascists and center right opportunists into the struggle sorry, they will destroy anything you try to build. It's not like we are talking about working with trots and anarchists to open a soup kitchen

Mr secretary we only have 2 minutes between your meeting with moms against baby formula and cutting the ribbon at the lead paint factory but I thought we could do a funny birthday thing with your favorite dry steak.

If the Pitt was brave they’d have an entire episode that’s just low back pain at 3am and medication refills.

With no one to feed him, Dogbert has resorted to gnawing on the soft tissue of Dilbert's corpse

Missed one

Great question! It’s not just about whether or not the gyre is widening – its that the falcon cannot hear the Falconer. In today’s blood-dimmed world, it’s a game-changer that many don’t consider. The kicker? A beast that is rough, slouching, and born.

if I see one more person say that “joy is resistance” I’m going to lose my mind

ramen places should have to tell you on the menu if your bowl only comes with half an egg

After a year of democrats flinging accusations, blaming trans people, Arab Americans, the DSA, Jill stein, Russia, whoever, for losing the election, I have something important to announce: it was me, I single handedly cost Harris/Walz the election

The ass is a kind of 3D printer for doodoo

It is 1979, the United States is interfering in foreign countries for oil. It is 1991, the United States is interfering in foreign countries for oil. It is 2003, the United States is interfering in foreign countries for oil. It is 2026, the United States is interfering in foreign countries for

if you are talking today about how bad maduro was and were alive, at all, during the run-up to the iraq war you are potentially the dumbest person to ever live

this is your mission. our pedophile president needs you to jump out of a helicopter to kidnap a head of state and his wife so some oil ceos can make a lot of money. we’ll be watching from a resort in florida that still serves wedge salad and checking how many retweets we get. good luck soldier

another day working at the japanese artificial mouth company. everyone keeps asking me if they can fuck the artificial mouth. buddy, they wont even let me fuck it

American Canto paperback cover

Taboola,, thank u

I am pro alt text but some of you need to learn how to self-soothe better

then there's a thousand replies from people with related personality disorders going "I'm so sorry you're going through this rn ❤️"

big accounts with obvious personality disorders love to post some dumb shit and then be like "logging off for a while, been receiving threats like this all day :/" and it's a reply from a guy named PoopShitter that says "I'm gonna run you over with a Zamboni"

There are people out there who think "I have a meeting" makes them sound busy

Spotted a 60-something man on the beach reading Olivia Nuzzi’s “American Canto.” His wife is nearby. She has Mar-a-Lago face and is wearing a trucker hat that says “Sun. Yoga. Champagne.” She’s been watching a live cam feed of her front door on a comically large tablet for the last 20 minutes.

why are people so mean on this site

the main thing about these guys is that they’re all allergic to actual work. they truly believe that they’ll be able to “leverage AI to plunge toilets” or whatever and the second a sewer backs up they’ll be blubbering for a government bailout

There are only two types of groupchats: wife guy chat and weepy horny chat

The Thing (982):