"Yeah, everyone just go ahead and delete TikTok now if you haven't already."

Oh yes thank you for the opportunity to send myself flowers

No son, they are not "magically delicious." The workers made them delicious. This is a slogan meant to mystify the social conditions of labor

I drew a face on a paper plate. Who could even begin to understand how it perceives the world or what it dreams of?

What does the person in the mirror want? Why do they copy me? If I smash the mirror, have I committed murder?

Girls should get three extra days off every month

If I’m gonna have backache because you wanna sleep on top of me, you’re gonna have toothache because I wanna jab your lil gums

the strangers chapter 3 opens with a title card that has the definition of “serial killer” if you were wondering if renny harlin nailed the landing

Omg

As I mentioned to @fartsjohnson.bsky.social just the other day, mostly just types of cancers. Sitting at my desk going “ohhhh spindle cell, spindle spindle spindle” or “melanolanolanoma” or “cho-lan-gee-ohhhhh…carcinoma-ah-ah” thank god I have my own office

A paedophile, a convicted felon and narcissist walk into a bar, and the barman says "on your own tonight Mr Trump?"

Need a creative way to ask my postman if he likes ugly women cos I have a proper crush on him oh my god

Free to read, just for today: www.tom-cox.com/old-litkinov...

Old people aren’t dying early enough

my wife loves me because i’m handsome. yeah i handsome money to her to go shopping. folks

The word don't is censored. Don't, or Don T. If you're looking for just some fun proof they're doing control+f censoring

They already have, it involves taking an edible and/or having an orgasm, I’m not a scientist but this is peer-reviewed data

I have this mug at work and my hormones are so insane at the moment because I almost started crying thinking of how much fun the writers must have had on The Simpsons whenever they had to write songs and then it got worse cos I started thinking of how much The Simpsons mean to me oh god

I’d rather die

‘Can cork man stay afloat?’ was right there.

Ok so couldn’t help but notice this guy in the pool changing rooms get dressed in this chaotic order.. T-shirt ➡️ sweatshirt ➡️ COAT ➡️ Hat ➡️ scarf ➡️ socks ➡️ jeans ➡️ shoes What kind of psychopath?!

It’s a good thing I have my osteo appointment today because this baby slept on my bed all night, slap bang in the middle, my back is CANING but he was so peaceful I would do it every single night to not disturb him 😭😭😭

When that one app changes from a date in the future to a countdown every month, just fuck off honestly

It should be illegal for me to not be at home with my cat, doing crochet, eating delicious buttery bread, watching television, and just generally being soft and relaxed, I am sick of it

Got a new temp GM who is around 60, she runs EVERYTHING, even short emails, through Co-Pilot and we pay her £50p/h to bring no expertise, tax payers money. She’s pissed off her whole team by being ignorant of their work, and she wants to do team building - so she fucking asked Co-Pilot how to 🙄

Apropos of nothing in particular in the discourse youtu.be/oDlIzjGkSmc

Stripey cat, 500 pounds. He's got eyes he's a tiger. There they are on the front of his face. He can see with his eyes, yes he can. It’s cos He is a tiger. He's got tigery eyes. He's got eyes on his face, cos he's a tiger.

“Jaywalking is permitted in London. In 1966, the police tried to crack down on it, but gave up after three months.” People walk and cycle on roads by right, people drive under licence. Jaywalking is not a thing in English law and Waymo must not change that. www.theguardian.com/commentisfre...

one thing you can say about jeffrey epstein is that he simply loved emailing

I am on an absolutely generational run of poor sleep I want to cry

DOCTOR: I told him he needed to get out to a show, that was how he would cure his depression. CHOTINER: So you learned this technique in school? DR: No, not— listen it was good advice. Pagliacci was in town. C: Right. Is it standard to give advice before learning a patient’s name? DR: Now look

My fave Kubrick anecdote: David Prowse on acting in A Clockwork Orange: 'So you want me to carry Patrick Magee, who weighs 17Olbs, plus the wheelchair, another 30lbs, so 200lbs, down the stairs & then do a dialogue scene?' 'Yeah, you can do it.' 'I know but your name isn't One Take Kubrick, is it?'

the best 1:35 in tv history

putting Darren Aranofsky under Natasha Lyonne on the list of "people who have done interesting work in the past, but whose future work, all of it, AI or not, should be thrown in the trash". Use AI, get fucked.

Walking around any UK city centre

Updates I’ve quickly grown to hate this year: iPhone ios- takes 2 steps to do a lot of things I used to do in 1. Fuck off. The Met Office app - used to be so simple to read, now it melts my fucking brain. Fuck off. Bastards.

I have sciatica, so I have to periodically stand up to stretch my muscles. It's not always an expression of my personal beliefs.

The last week or so at work have been a rollercoaster for me mentally because of how individual men have treated me both in the past and in the present, and I have had an email today that might just tip me over the edge because someone is being nice to me and on my side, fuck my actual life

TIM WALZ: Good news everyone the President said he would send the wallet inspector to help out

What she does to this dress is violent, this is actually a horror film

Pringles actually only has one expression, and that is ‘extremely handsome’

Why do I keep getting this ad on Twitter I hate it

I made the biryani macaroni btw

I accidentally bought a double strength thingy (well, 2) and I was very stressed today so I am trying a lil bit of it hoping it will make me feel nice and wavy and give me good sleeps

just saw a fb video that said "trying to train nazis is like trying to train a rabid dog, its better to just take 'em out behind the barn and shoot 'em" minnesota girlies know what's up. thats all im saying.

Pringles doesnt grimace if I do this, my placid angel, I literally love him so much I think I might go insane

Men don’t yearn anymore I’m sick of it and my apps are sharing data because why is my Spotify making me playlists like this at this point in my cycle, I’m sick of it, don’t make me go back on the apps while I’m temporarily insane

Sorry but this is aggravating on so many levels because look. I’m not trying to be blue here. Some of us like that word and hate that man.

Finally, a flag worth fighting for.

Plonked his little bum on the electric heated pillow and waited patiently for me to turn it on, my polite boy