Why are families such a fucking nightmare? I sometimes wonder if it's worth even bothering.

First they came for the malapropists, and I said muffin.

Happy birthday funny chap. @pauleggleston.bsky.social

In central Croydon. Not been stabbed so far, don't feel threatened at all. Maybe the right wingers are wrong about this place?

I'm at the GPs for a routine check up. The music in the waiting room is so horrid I might need actual medical treatment. 😢

What an unusual time to schedule this one. Or is it?

Perfect little walnut.

Oh fuck off Theo. I'd never get tired of seeing him punched in the face. #Corrie #CoronationStreet

The badgers have just had most of last night's horrible dinner of mince and rice. Phoebe had her nose virtually against the window watching them. Got a photo but you can't make out the stripey face on the other side for some reason. You'll have to trust me that it was about 3 inches away from her.

Something had a good old chomp of my ankle. It's the itchiest itch that ever itched. ☹️

Seems to be nothing but bad news on here today, will probably give it a miss.

Why have I cooked myself such a horrible dinner? I am an international budgie of mystery indeed.

Suddenly, about a week ago, I started getting ads on Facebook which weren't targeted at me. Funeral plans for Asian people, driveways for people living in Essex, that kind of thing. Not a single thing designed to appeal to me. It's bloody strange.

Asked my Amazon echo to play John Cage and the bloody thing just ignored me for nearly five minutes.

A sunny day would be just the ticket now. I think most of us need cheering up.

I've just remembered the weirdest news story from the town I was living in a decade ago. Three separate human feet were found in a local park, over the course of a few months. Police investigated and announced 'nothing to be worried about, they're probably from somebody's private collection.' ...

Woman on Pointless "my dad was a lighthouse keeper so we moved around a lot." My husband: "you'd think the light would be mechanised."

Everyone seems to be talking about football for some reason.

Not much enthusiasm for feck all tonight. 🫤

I guess I can appreciate the sentiment, but honestly I loathe those Free Hugs sign guys. I'm not paying for my hugs you fucking idiots. I'm still signed up on my parents' plan like a normal person.

William Vanderson, 1936 'The swan was named Leila and belonged to a Mrs. Watson of Chesham, Buckinghamshire. According to Mrs. Watson, Leila could open doors and acted as a guard dog'

Managed to get a smack on the head from a tree branch while rescuing a worm from the pavement. No good deed goes unpunished.

You in another decade. Here's me looking like my mother. You would not want to spill this bitch's wine.

Bloody hell, it's the shrieky woman instead of Matt. #SaturdayKitchen

I see the political editor of Inside Croydon is calling himself Walter Cronxite. Most amusing.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about [spits out feathers]. For some of us, it's the Great Emu War of 1932.

The aurora two nights ago in Fairbanks, Alaska

Just seen a Twitter screen grab of someone referring to Andrew Tate's 'desert trek' into Dubai as 'Lawrence of dry labia'

Bit rude. I'd rather describe myself as "serious minded".

I don't know why they call badgers badgers, they've never once badgered me. Needy tomcats however...

Banksy and I are playing our favourite game of "Your ears are gone!... oh there they are ... " repeat ad nauseum..

Every house needs a secret door that leads to a secret room, but well, there are secret rooms and then there are...

Looks like I'm having a sneezing day today. At least I won't be pinned down by cats.

🦇 #BatsInArt #PreciousBats #RépubliqueDuBénin #Fon #sculpture Anonymous Fon artist BAT HANGING ON A GANTRY, undated Iron

Hope you’ve all had a beautiful day……. Sweet dreams 🩵

It must be spring already, I've got three massive insect bites. What the hell do I smell of that attracts them so?

This was the real sign that we were already in the handbasket and moving with a purpose.

Off to Waitrose with my gift cards. Last time I was there I saw an elderly woman at the tills buying just two items, quails eggs and champagne. For some reason this amused me enormously.

Husband suddenly asking me if cats have belly buttons. It's quarter to eleven man, go to bed.

Does The Hague have some sort of War Crimes tip line? I'm seeing war crimes committed on a daily basis and nobody ever seems to get arrested. I'm not normally a grass but enough's enough.

This is quite fun. I'm a bit shit at it though. 🟠 Align 04/03/2026 ⏰ 02:18 🔄 12 globe.com/align

Without the dots, it looks like polygraph test results from a pathological liar.

I was thinking today that my brain must contain the lyrics to tens of thousands of songs from the 1960s and 70s. If I didn't have my head stuffed with all that useless knowledge I might have had the room to understand the American voting system.

I thought it would be sensible to fill my car up with petrol. In hindsight I should have just filled the fuel tank.

"Shake it, madam! Capital knockers!"

This is reminding me of a famous old photo of a woman's leg but I can't remember enough to find it. From the 1960s possibly.

We are furniture part 398.

Saw some nice bark.

After my badger gangster dream, slightly alarmed to see this sign in the woods. I took the path, obviously.

Dreamt that a vicious badger was running a protection racket in the local area, growling at me through a cat flap, his stripes luminous and menacing. Anyway, last night my stripy friends had a slice of seedy bread that had dropped on the floor, a sweet potato and the skin off my Nando chicken.