villain: hah! ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor! me: *bleeding out* actually it's... it's coincidental villain: *a single tear drops down his cheek* ... you passed

what's your favorite video game music? mine's "single note sustained on a euphonium in a room with slight reverb"

Felt cute, might give away a white Cherry MX 3.0 keyboard while building a PC twitch.tv/its_radsy

GONNA DRINK MALORT AT 1PM EDT FOR THE FIRST TIME ON MY SUBATHON, 14 hours remain! Come say hi!!!! twitch.tv/its_radsy

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

kinda cool how all the rich are turning against each other. maybe we don't have to eat the rich. maybe they'll eat themselves

🚨 WHITE HOUSE: MODS? MODS???

i should call her

only now realizing it's called "duck duck goose" because geese are aggressive

"student driver" sticker but fully licensed to drive, just also in law school

joke’s on you, IRS, every day is taxing

tech bro is short for technically broken

Me when I post and delete every five seconds

getting gang banged by philosophers is called getting a trolley run on you

[teaching my boyfriend cards] ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

come together right now over me -a gangbang probably

deleting all of my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old-fashioned way (at the police station after being taken in because i called the police when someone tried to break into my house when I was going to see if my little brother was ditching school)

really caught my eye how your dating profile said you like “good beer.” it’s cool how you think the stuff you like is good. not a lot of people are that brave

can't tell if I’m manic or have suddenly become able to survive without food and sleep

aight ok I enrolled in a voice acting class thing everyone say "good luck rads hope you make your parents proud"

THERAPIST: listen, I really need you to relax ME: *banging fists on table* BUT HOW CAN IT BE “BIRTHDAY CAKE” FLAVOR IF A BIRTHDAY CAKE CAN BE ANY FLAVOR

I turned 29 today

Not sure if it’s my depression influencing my drinking habits, but I’m willing to take a shot in the dark

5 days left to take a Quest Sprout home: www.makeship.com/products/lev...

BOSS: is your makeup tattooed on? ME: yeah it's exhausting to have to put it on every single morning BOSS: why a clown though

ME: [staring out the window reflecting on how my life got here after I ate the 18 month old chocolate bar that had been sitting on the kitchen table] ROOMMATE: did you eat the 18 month old chocolate bar that had been sitting on the kitchen table? ME: no

THE SMOLDERING ASHES OF A PHOENIX: you know what, i'm good

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone with assorted meats and cheeses breaks in and needs to make a charcuterie board

Not sure if it’s my depression influencing my drinking habits, but I’m willing to take a shot in the dark

“Serving Size: About 12 chips” please get fucking real

I got that dog in me (I’m scared of the doorbell)

stores be like "you'll pay for this"

OFFICER: show me on the doll where he touched you GIRL: I… I don’t think I can OFFICER: it’s okay, I’m right here with you GIRL: uhh— *pointing somewhere random on an octopus figurine* is this- I don't know where anything is

She's live! Rn!!! Wow!!!

Do not ever correct me on here. I'm not wrong, and if I am then it's because it's fun for me

Trying to imagine what it'd take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I'd probably still just be like "I'm sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else's bowl of rats."

I made tiramisu and now it's the only thing I eat for breakfast

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high and then she looked at me all surprised

The theater kid to shitposter pipeline

VILLAGER: ew, look, it’s the boy who cries wolf BOY: it's called a fursona

[jehovah appears] jehovah's witness: oh hell yeah

avoiding the grocery prices hype by laying my own eggs

*the music stops* MAGISTRATE: put him to death! GLADIATOR: fuck I hate musical chairs

[from the back of cop car] can I use your phone charger?

ME: god I love how you feel inside me SURGEON: why is she awake

kate bush running past sisyphus

me: i'd like to buy that jacket for my girlfriend store clerk: the double breasted one? me: yes that's her