I’m dog-sitting and my sister told me to drink the White Claw in her refrigerator. I’m pretty sure I’ve had it before, but maaan… I just opened up a Blackberry and this stuff is disgusting. It’s like Old English for sad lonely white women

Today, just to annoy my therapist, I asked him, so how does my lack of progress make you feel?

Sex with my ex was comparable to a chimpanzee painting watercolour… A few strokes and he was a complete mess.

Trainer: Tell me about your fitness goals. Me: Diabetic Wolverine.

"Women are so complicated. I don't even know what they like these days." 1) Pockets 2) Snacks 3) Pockets full of snacks You're welcome.

Me: I'm cool as a cucumber Cucumber [in ray bans and a tiny leather jacket] are you though?

*sitting all weird and faggy like*

I'm saving up all my bluesky codes to get a bike

Passed out drunk and woke up to this... He is a good guard doggy!

reskeet if you’ve NEVER killed ANYONE on purpose

"This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them."

Why is the post button hidden behind the dashboard on this app?

I haven't got one of these fancy new twitter phone calls yet. Does this mean I'm not in the cool kids club anymore?

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire billy joel: shit

As soon as I can afford healthy food this extra weight is GONE!

Best advice I've heard all week

Wonder how many bots have blocked me?

🤣🤣🤣

Wish I had a job I could lose for my posts.

Life alert, but for drunk people who are getting ready to drive...

There is something cooking on the stove. It smells good. As long as it's on the stove, this is where I'll be

@jangilson.bsky.social my twitter isn't working at all. Is yours?

Just found out that "world championship tag" is a thing. It has the coveted 2AM on a Sunday morning slot on ABC...

STFU before I give you something to cry about! -- my therapist this afternoon

Before covid/after covid

My bologna does NOT have a first name...

(leaving my house one minute before the time I’m supposed to arrive at my destination) I can still make it

Listen here chicken titties,

My phone rang yesterday. I nearly died.

Sure wish someone would show some knees on here...

FUCKoff1day is the greatest password ever...

@humanchihuahua.bsky.social So glad u here!

Happy Birthday to the bestest Pupper Papí on all the Interwebs! I hope you're having an AMAZING day ❤️ ( @colbywinters.bsky.social )

Breakfast time...

Covid changed a lot! Mostly my social life and my waisteline...

Dumb guys who think they're smart will doom us all.

I love when dumb people do dumb shit so I can be like yep I knew it

Used to "fight for my right to party" now I just fight the urge to drink at 6AM...

Stop telling everyone you "rescued" a cat, Karen. You just started buying catfood for the one that lives underneath your dumpster, quit acting like a hero...

May get an outside cat...

Meanwhile in england...

No damn zombies anywhere today! I thought I saw one, but turns out it was just a herion addict...

Welp *goes back to waiting on that rapture