Women live longer than men because they deserve a little time to themselves

Okay so this is awkward now but when I yelled, "Get your ass on the tortilla, and stay there," it wasn't for you, it was the shredded cheese

Kid, it will be your turn when Santa writes my demands out word for word like I asked.

There’s a specific type of white guy you can just look at and know he cranked that soulja boy hard in 2007.

You don't get bonus points for detailing your year of naughty and nice in Excel. Santa literally does not give a shit about Microsoft

Saving up my good jokes like a retirement plan

The pure of heart have no need to floss.

Einstein: Question everything. Me: Why?

Nice outfit, loser. 1876 called and the phone has been invented

Spitting out peace on earth and good will to men because I know imitation flavoring when I taste it

[rolls down car window] “Pardon me, do you have any morally grey Poupon?”

putting phish stickers on my car so if i get pulled over i get to meet a dog

Hoisted by a bunch of other people’s petards

Being held for questioning sounds so nice

A special holiday message from our CEO: “Please don’t shoot me.”

I know I’m a Grinch because my ass has already grown three sizes from all the holiday parties and baking I’ve inhaled.

When you saw only one footprint, then one more footprint, followed by a set of footprints in the sand, it was then I was hopping on the beach to teach you the Fibonacci sequence

She had bedroom eyes. Teeth like a porcelain sink. A great front porch. Her foundation was a little cracked, and the basement was kinda dank, but she had a rumpus room that wouldn't quit.

I can't be the only one that sang I'll make love to you if you want me to in the lap of a fraudulent Santa

I like the word fisticuffs because it gets me horny twice

Sex addicts should just be happy that they have the option

Aren't you sick of pretending you're human and not the universe experiencing itself?

It’s rude to show up to someone’s house empty-handed so I always bring some fuckery.

Sorry I drooled red frosting out of my mouth all over your seriously festive doily but are we celebrating a bloody birth or what

You ever try ferociously to scrub the dirt off of something and realize it's just part of its design? It's like that, but it's my personality