Sorry I'm late. There was an online form and I had to scroll to my birth year.

This song always gives me a quick hit of nostalgic optimism of being 22 during Clinton‘s first year in office thinking real change was finally possible.

alright christian god i know we’ve had our quarrels but i am prepared to ‘go catholic’ if you make it happen for comedy effect today specifically. i won’t half ass it like i do with judaism either. i’ll wear the thing on my head and eat the crackers and shit

Excellent timing because never has the world been more on the side of robots or cops

Today I learned I can read German

Kinda wanna buy this hoodie from the local Christian coffeeshop to spread a message they surely did not intend for it.

That's right

I made this a year ago and it is still true 💖✨ and yes I know that VW was made for the n*zis back in the day. #falloutboy #digitalcollage #digitalcollageart #2000saesthetics #2000snostalgia

So funny, not a single human laughed.

Lobbying for an exception

There’s something very charming about putting a Parental Advisory sticker on a compact disc case in 2026.

First, the good news. The bathwater has been disposed of.

It's sad that the war will escalate the prices of many things for consumers, but you must remember that giant corporations have to maintain their massive profits, and that really is the most important thing xxx

Still remains such a massive tell that this man is far and away the most popular modern president among people who won’t shut the fuck up about how much they love Jesus

Finally, the three shells

The Thunder trying to schedule a White House visit:

peter dinklage is what happens when I get in a cold swimming pool

In case anyone was wondering what Brian would do with thousands of dollars in digital outdoor trade credit.

Very excited for Carly Rae Jepsen to win her first Oscar Sunday night.

How's everyone celebrating Pi Day?

Let there be as much outrage from politicians in Washington when kids go hungry as there is when I break bread with New Yorkers.

Very excited for Carly Rae Jepsen to win her first Oscar Sunday night.

This is exactly how A.I. works

People have been ragging on Alanis Morissette's "Ironic" for 30 years because the scenarios aren't really ironic, but the thing is, they COULD be with just some minor context. For instance: "It's like rain on your wedding day" -both the bride and groom are the city's top meteorologists

I try and be a good ally, but CoffeeMate Zero Sugar Butterbeer Non-Dairy Creamer just sounded really delicious.

Brother I don't know pears work but I can still tell when one's made of wax

I think the Jerk Store got a new ad agency. Got a flier - "We're not your father's Jerk Store!" Of course not. That was a different time. I'm not even certain there *were* Jerk Stores back then. Ridiculous.

The toughest thing about flying to Detroit to see Lights is explaining to people that you’re “flying to Detroit to see Lights.” youtu.be/bezSalxjRhk?...

Why does this email from Chick Fil A make it sound like I'm about to die

A character in a TBS sitcom was named after me.

Boomers lived the best version of the American dream and never let anyone have it again

1915

TBH the U.S. is a pretty shit satan.

"I'd leave it for a minute, if I were you"

eXistenZ is when I realized Cronenberg’s whole thing just ain’t for me.

Just once I’d like to see a documentary about a cult that has a nice ending.

B A N A N A S

Look at my lawyer dawg I'm going to jail

Goddamn does DC have an insanely talented design team.

"Toy Story 5" needs to end with Jessie blowing up all the AI data centers.

Maybe at the next “No Kings” march we could point out to America that we do have a King but we also arrested his brother.

VERY BAD THINGS (1998) Vile, soulless garbage.

Sorry to get radical but I don’t think it’s my job or yours to embrace, accept, understand - and certainly not to use - the thing being sold to us as AI. I don’t like any part of it, so I won’t. I’m missing out? Good, that’s what I want. You’re worried about me missing out? That’s fuckin weird, man.

last night people were excited that The Simpsons aired our 800 episode but I need more people to talk about our 801st episode where, over a montage of Kirk Van Houten being depressed, THE Michael Stipe sings “Everybody Kirks.”

How could I not back LASER JOAN AND THE RAYGUNS by my pals @robertwilsoniv.bsky.social, @djkirkbride.bsky.social & @adampknave.com on @kickstarter.com? www.kickstarter.com/projects/548...

Watched DePalma’s BODY DOUBLE last night and now know the answer to the question, “What would a sleazy Hitchcockian thriller look like if it starred Bill Maher?“