I have really amazing news! So for the past few months, I’ve been working on a joke and last night, finally, finally, finally I got to tell it to the bartender, and I probably could’ve told it a little bit better. I probably should’ve brought my notes, but she went fucking bananas with laughter.

I’m not far left. I’m not a raging liberal. I’m not an east coast elite. I’m just fucking reasonable.

I'm sorry. What?

My winter storm plans? The typical. To get mildly fucked up off boxed wine, remove all my clothing, slip under the covers nude, and then read about highly questionable 1970 UFO encounters.

Hey! Remember pro-Nazi actor and personality Emil Jannings? From the 1930s and 1940s? No? Right. Same will soon go for another douchebag.

This motherfucker is lecturing us on the "ideal American"?

Attention Apple: may I be allowed not to update my iPhone? You see, I’m a simple man and I’m on the spectrum and I have some learning issues and once I get used to something that’s the way I want it forever. Thank you.

So wish I could go back in time and say, “If you’re flirting with me, please just come out and tell me. I am unable to ‘read’ people. Thank you!”

So underrated

STANLAND! www.ambies.com/2026-nominees

Thank you Ambies!

A true fucking hero. Not only for what he's been through and continues to go through and fight for, but also for his DC-area accent, which is the most fucking DC-area accent in the history of DC-area accents. Love this guy.

This ain't AI. This if fucking America. No country I want to be a part of. If this is your America, go fuck yourself. "Liam Conejo Ramos, 5, is seen being detained in a photo released by Columbia Heights Public Schools officials that has prompted anger in the Twin Cities." @nytimes.com

Thank you Ambies!

Thank you, Ambies!

STANLAND just nominated for a 2026 Best Fiction Podcast Ambie Award!! Thank you to everyone! podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/s...

STANLAND just nominated for BEST FICTION PODCAST at the AMBIES! @thesonarnetwork.bsky.social THE AMBIES @thepodcastacademy.bsky.social www.ambies.com/2026-nominee...

It was always leading to this. From the 1980s onwards. This was our destiny with this guy. He's the devil. This is historically bad. This is biblically bad. This is Nostradamus bad. We're cooked.

If you voted for this shit, and still support this shit, and plan to continue to support this shit, fuck off. We're done.

My new novelization will be for the just-released documentary "Melania," which has so far raised a grand total of $45 nationwide, directed by scumbag Brett Ratner.

Trump is a megalomaniacal, criminal madman, he is the singular force that is destroying the entire world order and the whole American system, and rather than acknowledging him as a crisis, our institutions are still, STILL determined to relentlessly normalize him

Kind of tired of explaining this already, but I'm on the left. And it's not AI. That's really how I look. And yes, Jon and I are often confused in public. Sometimes even in private. Hope that clears it all up!

Hey, guys. 25th Amendment please. Thanks.

Completely sane and intelligent and normal.

Nearly all Epstein files still unreleased a month after Congress deadline

Anyone have change for a $5? I’m tipping my life coach. Thanks!

Attention Jewish relatives and friends. As a fellow Jew, I am telling you, this guy and his MAGA lot are just no good. This is pretty clear. And if you can't fucking see this ... I just don't know what to say. Bad. Bad people. Not good. For us. For anyone.

It's not complicated. Don't be an asshole. That's it. Now get going ... not being an asshole. Real simple.

An interviewer asked me what type of characters I typically write, and I think the most accurate answer is the American loser

Anyone have any giant scissors? The kind they use at ribbon-cutting ceremonies? I want to impress a girl. Thanks!

So damn good. So damn funny. Buy it. Out from the great @nyrb-imprints.bsky.social

Soaking in my above-ground hot-tub, overlooking I-95, listening to Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle." Sipping on a Oreo® Iced Coffee. Heaven...

Anyone willing to give me their Pulitzer Prize?

SLOUCHERS: The Novelization Gen-Xtended version! Out Now! www.amazon.com/dp/195415845...

I got mine!

These ComicCon women don't dig me dressed as Henry from "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer." Guess you just gotta be from outer space! LOL!

Anyone willing to put me up in their hidden attic space? I’m real quiet. Thanks!

Does my perineum smell off to y’all?

Born 95 years ago yesterday, the man, the myth, the goddamn legend, Charles Nelson Reilly!!!!!

1990s journal finds

Here’s a light-hearted movie.

Not one of the Beach Boys' finest songs Hey little tomboy, I've had my eyes on you Thinkin' what a girl you could be Mm, I smell perfume, let's try some cut-off jeans Look at all the changes I see en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hey_Lit...

Off it

And how about American protestors being slaughtered?

SLOUCHERS: The Novelization Gen-Xtended version! Out Now! www.amazon.com/dp/195415845...