I want a streaming service of just the movies I have to remind myself actually existed even though I definitely watched them at some point. Like, I KNOW they made a Birds of Prey movie a few years ago... didn't they? That was real, right?

They obviously did this to avoid any trubble over copyright laws. Better to be safe than soory, such is lyfe.

I'm just saying, if a grocery store has the equipment to make rotisserie chickens, they could easily make an occasional batch of Peking duck. You can tell me any reason you want as to why not, but all I'm gonna hear is cowardice.

This Civil War photographer might have been tasked to take a picture of this military prison camp, but he MADE THE CHOICE to angle it so the latrine was the real focal point.

If we wanna get technical about it, the country's REAL birthday was the Articles of Confederation on November 15, 1777. The Declaration of Independence was more like the invite to the baby shower. The Constitution was correcting a typo on the birth certificate. Anywho, happy 248 2/3 everyone!

"Making enemies means I'm doing my job right" he repeatedly mutters to himself in the mirror, slowly brushing the same portion of hair for the 137th time in a row without blinking.

We should make this a bigger deal, because it'll cause two hilarious things to happen: 1. Trump will totally mansplain that "threesome" is a golf term, and that anyone who says otherwise is just poor and jealous. And 2. He'll likely admit that he doesn't even hug his sons, let alone fuck them.

The government is lying to you, but only because they knew that if they told you the truth, you'd get all weird and make it into this whole big deal... See?!? You're already making that face again...

If you see a guy in a suit wearing a cowboy hat on cable news, you're about to hear some grade A bullshit. Why not complete the caricature by having him light a cigar with a burning $100 bill?

LAST CALL RICE BOWL sounds like a line from a cheesy 80s action movie at the end of a bar fight in Chinatown.

Hey! That flyer format is supposed to be for comedy open mics!

Whenever someone tell me they're an empath, I disassociate just to see if they've really got skills.

Hurry the fuck up, mortality.

How about instead of trying to separate the art from the artist, we try to separate the TECHNIQUE from the artist. Find out what made their art so great, and find others capable of doing that without being a massive piece of shit.

Neither is your job, shithead.

Me in my teens: "Slash all four tires." Me in my 20s: "No, slash only three. Most insurance policies won't cover just three." Me in my 30s: "No, slash one tire AND the spare so they'll have that delayed moment of defeat."

I will never understand how melted Swiss cheese tastes awesome, but unmelted Swiss cheese tastes like how day 3 of an outdoor music festival feels.

Let's pinpoint the exact moment in my workout when I stopped listening to a video essay about Tim Dillon. My hatred of that man is incredible cardio, apparently.

I'm gonna mess you up... with kindness.

Everyone makes jokes about how Tulsa spelled backwards is A SLUT, but I feel a need to point out that Miami spelled backwards is I MAIM. So, maybe keep things in perspective, huh?

Thriller idea: man with world's second smallest penis has to stop him.

The ad algorithm really swung for the fences this time.

I really hate this remake of The Humpty Dance.

Using the phrase "It's five o'clock somewhere" when drinking never accounts for the commute to the bar. Like, are you cracking open a beer AS you're clocking out? Also, unless you're saying that shit on the hour, you're just using the existence of broken clocks to rationalize your alcoholism.

I don't care what it does to my algorithm, I'm commenting on every ad for an AI company with "Man, it must've SUCKED getting bullied by the art club and band geeks in high school, huh?" Then I report the ad as "Not relevant".

No one in politics uses the suffix -ghazi anymore. Still seeing plenty of -gate, though.

Damn... I just wanted to see who was headlining. I didn't know things were THAT bad.

The only thing more annoying than a comic using "They tried to cancel me" as a marketing ploy, are the schmucks who actually believe them.

To anyone who gets grossed out by the word MOIST: MOUTHFEEL

I will never figure out how the entirety of the Tulsa Zoo goes uphill, even when you double back.

The makeup on Trump's hand has 3 horrifying implications: 1. He's not washing his hands after going to the restroom. 2. Or, the President of the United States keeps a tube of concealer in his pocket. 3. OOOOR, Trump has a staffer reapply that shit, and possibly has to do so in the restroom.

99% of the times I hear the word checkmate, it's coming from someone I know suuuuuucks at Chess.

The fact that any of us can log into an app right now and place bets on what the unemployment numbers will be is a level of dystopia Philip K. Dick couldn't fathom even if he Scrooge McDuck'ed into a pool of amphetamines.

At the rate things are going wrong with this damn pool, I'm predicting Cthulu will emerge from it by the end of next week.

"You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain." 98 year old Buddhist, snapping out of a deep meditation: "Wait... If that's true... then that means... Aw, dammit..."

Aw, damn... I was hoping he'd win so he'd have to unblock me on FB and I could continue to troll his dumb ass.

My overall vibe today seems to be "Yes, I actually DO have a problem. How intuitive of you to notice. Do you want a fucking cookie or something?"

The first combination IHOP/Applebee's restaurant opened in San Antonio, which might be the greatest advancement in hitting rock bottom since the invention of the Buzz Ball.

The OCD Jay-Z Paradox: You state that you have 99 problems, then you notice that's not an even number, which creates a new problem that makes the problem count perfectly even, thus solving the 100th problem, bringing the count back to 99 and now you're spiraling!

The phrase "money can't buy you happiness" kind goes out the window when the miserable bastards are HOARDING the money. They should at least TRY to buy happiness, if only to help stimulate the economy.

I'm 99% certain that both of our republican candidates for governor are using the same AI everything in attack ads trying to out-MAGA each other. They're spending so much time, money and energy to say and accomplish absolutely nothing.

Markwayne Mullin always talks like he's taunting the competitors at a a hot sauce challenge, but never actually entering the contest himself.

See, it all works in a cycle... It starts with smart people pretending to sound dumb for attention... Then it's the dumb people trying to sound smart... Right now, it's dumb people sounding dumb while thinking they're sounding smart... Soon, we should be back to smart people sounding smart again.

I think AI is seriously overestimating how much people like Franklin Gothic font on a vaguely distressed background. Every event flyer now looks like a loading screen from a PS3 game about accounting.

Which would be more insane: A thousand-years-long Lord of the Rings movie trilogy where all of the events play out in real time, including everything that happened in between time jumps? Oooor...

Egg salad. You just reverse-engineered egg salad.

The acting Attorney General looks like he'd pay to watch someone else call you a cuck.

Obviously no one has ever used the AI prompt "Make this idea look less like a scam".

I'm actually kinda surprised we haven't yet heard a government official use the phrase "Listen here, you little shit" during a congressional hearing.