Daddy Day Care, Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2, Father of the Bride... Should I be worried that my kid's favorite movies lately are all of the "well-meaning dad is in WAY over his head" variety?

Let me guess... (squinting hard) ... Patriots?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Granted, you'll be completely incinerated prior to impact, and that's long after you suffocate in the vacuum of space while spending your final moments writhing in primal terror... or, maybe just be more practical with your goals.

Based solely on the type of guys they have in their ads, I'm guessing Kalshi pays out all of their bets in roofies?

Everyone's name on this lineup sounds like an ad agency or design studio I interviewed with back in the late nineties.

Everything OK at home there, M&Ms?

Despite his big comeback movie after being MeToo'ed 12 years ago now on track to be the biggest box office bomb in history, and being named multiple times in the latest Epstein drop, ALL IN THE SAME WEEK, its kinda admirable that Brett Ratner can still manage to be such an egotistical douche.

I mean, if you wanna get technical about it, anyone can be an undisputed cage fighting champion as long as no one ever talks about it. Just keep that shit to yourself and you're a winner!

We're watching Hocus Pocus just to enjoy seeing ICE behind bars.

Not sure what to think of McDonald's new "just signed the lease on a pole barn" aesthetic.

Well, we'll see about that! (cocks shotgun)

So, they canceled school again tomorrow... which means they're probably not gonna make the kids go back for Friday...

Screenwriter: "I need a name for this character... Jack! That's a good name! But he needs a last name? Uhhh..." (looks up the word NAME in a thesaurus)

I'm far less concerned with Kanye apologizing "To those I've hurt," than I am with what he has to say "To those who keep high-fiving me."

Every childbirth video has a non-zero chance of being a sequel to a sex tape.

Judging solely from the scenes that get posted on social media, I'm guessing every episode of Landman was written by a leather recliner?

I think I've curated my FB friends list just perfectly now to be able to automatically know which mutual acquaintance is being an insufferable asshole again just by seeing the number in "View all X replies".

Sure, lady with a thick accent and a restricted number who sounds like they're calling from a very windy patio, I'll give you my medical insurance account number even though you never asked to confirm what my name is. The account number is 3. Just the number 3. Good luck!

Saaay... That Masters of the Universe trailer looks pretty sweet! I wonder who's playing Skeletor-Aw, goddammit!

If you try to serve me a pizza that's cut up into an odd number of slices, I'm just gonna assume you have a bucket if orphans' hands in your basement.

At the rate Nick Fuentes is going, his eventual firing squad is gonna volunteer to take turns.

"Sure, kiddo. You can watch a movie." (Kid picks a Tim Allen movie with an all Smash Mouth soundtrack) ... (Sharp inhale)

Kinda weird that they made a children's book about that scene in The Godfather where Michael reluctantly agrees to take control of the family business, but OK.

I just love getting a lecture on manners from a guy cold calling me to offer cash for my house. In a way, he was right. I should've have besmirched the stellar reputation of bottom-feeding ass goblins like that.

"Well, I guess I should've known by the way she parked ger car sideways that she wouldn't pass." - Prince, in an alternate dimension where he was a driving instructor

Scott Adams dying at 68 rather than 69 is the perfect capstone to a life of being almost — but not quite — funny

I've never been more relieved that our nuclear arsenal still runs on floppies.

I don't want to speak ill of the dead, so I'll just wish everyone in Scott Adams' life a huge sigh of relief.

A lion does not concern itself with the opinion of sheep... Mainly because that lion would be like, "HOLY SHIT! WHAT AM I DOING IN THIS RUGGED MOUNTAIN LANDSCAPE? THIS IS NOT MY NATURAL HABITAT AT ALL!"

"Alright, we're going old school." "Gotcha. We paddle anyone who brings up evolution." "No." "Separate water fountains?" "Dude, what the fuck?"

I just don't understand how anyone can watch two camera angles of that FUCKING MURDER and still try to argue that it was justifiable.

Redneck Jesus in Cana...

We could completely reform our entire political landscape if we hooked every candidate for public office up to a heart rate monitor and watch them order a meal at a restaurant with a 'no substitutions' policy. Those results would disqualify 95% of the dickflutes we have right now.

Schrödinger's Spam Folder: Reminding everyone on your email list to check their spam folder in case the important info you need to tell them gets sent there. But if that's the case, they'll never get the message. Therefore, the reminder is simultaneously sent, received, and doesn't exist at all.

Steering your car to the right doesn't make your left turn any easier, or vice versa. If anything, it only makes the turn sharper. Whoever taught you to do this, smack them.

I scrolled past a Chick-fil-A ad too fast on FB and thought they were selling a chicken sandwich milkshake. I had to scroll back. Turns out it was a chicken sandwich and milkshake COMBO MEAL. Thank God for that! A chicken sandwich milkshake is some Sonic bullshit.

"You bastards have some nerve saying 'Wait a damn minute here'!" - This unnamed 18th century French composer, in heaven, watching Mozart react to the guy who wrote "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" reacting to the guy who wrote "Baa Baa Black Sheep" listening to "The ABC Song" for the first time.

For a split second there, I thought this damn tortoise was holding a dagger.

"Let the healing begin." "Healing from what?" (punch)

I'm gonna place a $50 box bet that, at his eventual war crimes tribunal, Pete Hegseth will A) try to drink a vial of poison, B) will realize it's actually an airplane bottle of Fireball, C) be pleasantly surprised, and D) then try to fake a seizure.

I mean, typically, heads of state aren't removed from office in a burlap sack, but go off, I guess.

Can't wait to show you guys my brand new, totally original* show idea. I call it GRAVELY INJURE FRITSCHIE. *it's original because I'm using synonyms. Any similarity to Kill Tony is all in your head, maaan...

Billy Joel has the opportunity to go on the funniest killing spree ever.

Apparently, under bar lighting, I look like I'm 60. In related news, fucking ouch!

I went a little too hard on the ab crunches this morning, and just now when I sneezed, I think I pulled my soul.

Is there someone sort of calorie burning advantage to working out in a hoodie with the hood up? Because I just saw like 6 guys at the gym like that, and I was like, "What are you guys trying for, a bank heist? Because if so... I'm in. That's been on my bucket list for a WHILE."

I was gonna wait until the finale went live to watch season 5 of Stranger Things, but I went ahead and got caught up today because an open micer last night decided to spoil it during their set. I was pleasantly surprised to find out the guy last night described what happened VERY poorly.

Weird how they've managed to breed hotter peppers, but no one's been able to breed cooler mint. Perhaps their efforts are being suppressed by Big Altoid.

Half of all Ferrero Rochers have been eaten out of embarrassment for failing to pronounce Ferrero Rocher properly. "Ooh! Ferrerrerruh Rursh- Furrru... goddammit... just give me one."