My brother texted me this morning: "Don't even text me today. I'm pissed. You fucked up." And the way I started sweating... you'd have thought I was in danger of immediate bodily harm. He revealed seconds later that he was just teasing me about a dumb thing but whoo..that trauma response 😥

The Muppets took Manhattan, but when will they take Berlin?

And Tiny Tim, who did NOT get hired because he was a white male, died.

I'm so grateful that 2 of my favorite sweeties @therachel.bsky.social and @emmeline.bsky.social braved the freezing temps and 50+ mph winds last night to join me for some Christmas cheer at the fab Highland Underground.

These people are mad when they should be sad and that's kind of the whole thing, huh?

Gil Ozeri is a national treasure.

By the end of the year I plan on being 10% Chex Mix by both weight and volume.

"The board is implied. If you show the board, you limit the imagination. If you don’t show the board, anyone could be playing Mastermind at any time. In a limo. In a bunker. On a yacht while plotting the downfall of a minor principality."

A pet sleeping next to you feeling so safe and comfy is genuinely the most any human can really ask for It makes you feel like maybe you aren’t so bad. You might even be good

I don't know why but I looked up Where's Waldo on Goodreads. this is the top review. ???

Should I get this Bobbi Mohan-Culp dress? Test. Test. Hot mic. We've got a piping hot mic here.

You know, I am both types of friend. I can multitask and multitasking can include comforting while also planning vengeance.

found my new work email signoff

This is great! Iowa nurses are some of the lowest paid in the country.

The skull called shotgun

My ass looks so good in these new pants, thinking of putting a sign on my back that says "You're welcome"

Folks, the newest legend has arrived. Meet Griff III aka Gus! He was such a good boy today and he loved his little blue couch. He becomes the official live mascot of Drake University when Griff II aka George retires in May of 2026.

why is this not meme canon

TIL about "snow nose." Frankie's nose is usually all black. None more black. Noticed it was looking pink and learned this hypopigmentation happens in some dogs due to temperature-sensitive pigment enzymes

I've been building Christmas trees with plastic gemstones to keep my little fingies busy. It's silly but it's been helping my mental health so much. 🎄

Wait wait wait wait wait. A HOLIDAY Bake Off special? A HOLIDAY Bake Off that is PEEP SHOW themed? Featuring the cast (minus Webb)? I am so in.

Had an idea for an indoor dog park and recreation area. Gourmet dog treats for sale and refreshments for the humans. I’ll call it There’s Shit Everywhere And The Whole Place Smells Like Urine And Bleach.

Frankie is getting into the holiday spirit

Current Hollywood diet culture means we are running out of famous women who when they appear they make you say Va Va Voom and your tongue rolls down out onto the floor and steam comes out your ears and you slip on a banana peel

An X Files about how everybody's turn signals are broken except mine

Made espageti verde for the first time last night. It was a lot of work but so worth it. It's like Mexican Alfredo. Rich and spicy and delicious.

I can't listen to the song without thinking of

This is so relatable. (Not looking for reassurance just sharing as I think it's probably a universal feeling)

My bird feeder is filthy but this beautiful woodpecker doesn't seem to mind. I think he's a Northern Red-bellied Woodpecker

Nobody in my office wants to play the Snowman Find Out Who game with me 😢

I baked cinnamon scones for an event at work tomorrow. When Dave came home and saw them he said "Oh, scones!" And I hit him with a "Those are business scones!"

Need the kidz bop version of the new Lily Allen album bad 🎵 “I didn’t know it was your puppy palace, puppy palace, puppy palace”

Introduce yourself with 5 concerts you've seen: 1. Tom Petty 2. Janet Jackson 3. John Prine 4. Bob Dylan 5. The Who

it’s crazy that for the rest of my life I’m going to think about this man every single thanksgiving

Frankie as a baby elephant. The wink at the end kills me 😂

The Netflix show The Beast In Me features a storyline about a real estate development called Jarvis Yards and a character named Martin Jarvis and I can’t help thinking he’s related to this guy.

All those summers working at the racetrack and dating horse trainers really paid off with today's Strands

The Other Two joke where Cary misses out on a huge job because his agent is busy with her hot new client, a cheese.

Why does Dove need my birthdate? What kind of pleasures are on offer??

I have a very lovely 81-year-old friend who, every time we talk, implores me not to tell anyone about her life or especially her health. Joyce, my dear, who am I going to tell???

Only 4 words, actually: Human skin truck baby.

Good work, Iowa City.

Suggested we go out for Thanksgiving so my parents wouldn't have to cook/clean but that was NOT WELL RECEIVED. Going to consult Guinness--must be some kind of world record to have never had a single good idea in 47 years.

@jimmypardo.com was right! @padleydan.bsky.social is Wooly Willy

Yeeeeeeehaw

i had a good few days of higher energy and, if not really higher spirits, at least a greater threshold for Horrid Nonsense that era is concluded. I am now in a new era of feeling sad and bad. our scientists project this era will last for between 1 and 30 days. thank you for your patience

Oh hey, I found the war on christmas

"I don't want to hear about Olivia Nuzzi and RFK anymore!!!"

Kenan is the poster child for us Xennials who found a steady job with full benefits in the ‘00s and has clung to it for dear life ever since