I know most of the focus is on RFK Jr.'s weird horny texts, but the news that he used to spam Bill Nye with anti-vax weirdness and Bill was like, "Dude, you're you're confusing correlation for causation" is the only RFK text-message news I will ever need.

when trying on pants, do this in the store. then tell the sales associate "the menswear guy told me to do this." IG mr.funkys0ul

Saying this but to a computer

everyone who spent the 90s laboriously and lovingly making mixtapes just dissolved into ancient dust

Forcing the Pod Save bros to take hemlock

*Hits Blunt* I wonder if ancient Greeks and Romans felt about their philosophers the way we feel about podcast bros? (Derogatory)

In university I met someone cool, they said they were going to study something that I had never heard of. I ended up studying that as well and now I am an international man of mystery.

Cut up a 20mg mango gummy in your cheerios for a more balanced breakfast

I think it's time to clean out my cache because I was listening to some OMD earlier and I went to google something about If You Leave and this came up:

I think it's time to clean out my cache because I was listening to some OMD earlier and I went to google something about If You Leave and this came up:

receiving worker's comp after getting trapped in the holodeck's blowjob simulator for 37 hours

If you post a sexy pic on Bluesky, I’m going to zoom in and see what book you’re reading.

If you post a sexy pic on Bluesky, I’m going to zoom in and see what book you’re reading.

They should ask this about every movie. Why isn’t Pennywise in Nights in Rodanthe with Richard Gere and Diane Lane?

Is #NoNutNovember still a thing? Because I lost 13 days ago if it is.

Best case: The President of the United States knew about a pedophilia ring and did nothing to stop it. Medium case: He also used his office to protect the perpetrators. Worst case: Because he was one of the perpetrators.

THERAPIST: Did you ever stop to think that maybe the person you were running from... was yourself? RUNNING MAN: *breaks down sobbing*

Guess I'm going to add Joyce Carol Oates to my reading list.

Hey, yo. Joyce Carol Oates is dragging tech boys by their hair over on that weirdo app.

[movie studio] ME: BUT HOW DOES THE INVISIBLE MAN KNOW WHEN TO STOP WIPING? TOUR GUIDE: *into walkie talkie* code orange, he’s back.

This site needs a "turn off retweets" button.

Had dinner with a bunch of finance bros last night. Did not have “being felt up by some dude, whose gif I regularly use, Pedro Pascal style,” on my bingo card for this lifetime.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep I imagine something living undiscovered in the deep ocean rising up and defeating AI at the last moment.

Morrissey got cancelled tonight and the Jays lost so I may as well get back to my to do list.

I’m having dinner in a restaurant that is playing these shitty dance-lite version of old songs (and that one song from the Tik Tik instructional dance videos).

I think I’ve seen more ass implants in this Mexican airport than I have in my entire life.

I hope this new Bruce Springsteen biopic finally reveals where Bruce Springsteen was born. The country of his birth has been up for debate for quite some time. Frankly, it would've been helpful if he wrote a song about it.

Wandering around the tropics looking for a million dollars instead of watching the baseball game.

People say Bluesky is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

VIBE.

World Series games don’t even let you go to sleep anymore. Because of woke.

I can’t believe I stayed up to watch that.

People don't hack into TV networks and forcibly broadcast the truth as much as I thought they would when I was small

Game 1 blowout for the Blue Jays, just like Ronald Reagan predicted.

to be Gregor. to be upgraded to a glorious insect. no thoughts. no lungs. a dream. passive ideation? no. active insecteation. oh fuck yes.

Oh, you love capitalism? Tell me about all of your capital...

🎶 Hello cuck chair, my old friend. I’ve come to talk with you again 🎶

Guy sitting in front of me on the plane watched Megan 2 back to back. I imagine he fell asleep 5 minutes in but what if it’s so amazing you have to watch it again as soon as you finish it the first time?

Reading literature in the cuck chair.

It worked!

[eyeballing my neighbors body of christ at church] you gonna eat that?

Back when posting was good

No cuck chair in this hotel, but I did find the Jays game.

i dont need AI to jerk off. like a good red blood american, i get horny for the Green M&M

You’ll notice that new developments in generative AI are always accompanied by new ways of depicting women without their consent—undermining their autonomy and harassing them—almost like it’s a pillar of the technology and its evolution

Anyone thirsty?

My hotel room has TWO cuck chairs.

I hear it’s easier to get your tasks done if you make a list and check things off as you go. Thought I’d try it out.

Happy birthday, your parents probably fucked on Valentine's Day.

Anyone else get a sniffle and decide they’re going to drink themself healthy?