Really enjoyed eating all the repressed sexual energy my mom fisted into the turkey.

Having a ghostgiving with the young sailors that i lured to their death.

I'm saving faking my death for marriage.

First date idea: You never show up & I go back to bed.

I will marry the first person that can stop mercury from going into retrograde

Showing my goth cat autopsy photos to win his love back.

Sorry I can't hang out tonight, i'm naming all my pet leeches after rare constellations.

Is your wedding going to be open casket

Can't decide if i want to join a cult or a landfill.

It's a beautiful evening to shapeshift into a crow that gets trapped in Stevie Nick's hair forever.

Super weird they don't give u a college scholarship for absorbing ur twin in the womb.

Who needs a partner, when you can snuggle a walking stick covered in sheep's blood.

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

Don't worry about floaters, it is just a spectral bride that has been hypnotizing you for years to do her bidding.

I have death bearing hips.

Sorry I can't hang out tonight, I'm making my two Nicolas Cage pillows kiss.

Normalize proposing to Edgar Allan Poe during a seance.

*Tries to put a fake mustache on a ladybug*

Super weird that my landlord won't let me pay him with bad vibes & ancient prophecies.

There should be more things for me to emerge from. Portals and shadows and weak sections of drywall. That sort of stuff. It would make my sudden appearance more fun for people.

even if he isn't dead, cremate him anyway

I have death bearing hips.

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

*Aligning my chakras to death metal*

How am i supposed to communicate effectively when there isn't a bed ridden poltergeist emoji

lightning bolts are shooting out of my mood ring is that good

I love haunting, but you can't work from home.

Normalize proposing to Edgar Allan Poe during a seance.

How am I supposed to trust my instacart shopper after finding out they are not an interdimensional being trying to retrieve my third eye from Zed, a crafty mercenary from the 16th century.

Super weird they don't give u a college scholarship for absorbing ur twin in the womb.

Every toddler wearing a Ramones shirt is CIA

playing music i think the spiders in my apartment will like

You never actually have to ask me if I want to see the dead thing you found in the woods.

Who needs a partner, when you can snuggle a walking stick covered in sheep's blood.

*Sprinkles my baby teeth over you as you sleep*

I can't fall asleep until at least one Victorian poltergeist named Ethelbert tries to feed on my aura.

Some nights you just want to relax, unhinge your jaw, and release a plague of tarantulas that form into a thick goth mist, that invades your enemies house.

i like to end the night on a high note by murdering a clown with my violin

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's day card out of my psychiatrists bills.

NORTHERN LIGHTS: Take my picture! Please! I don't look great now but the photos will be spectacular, bursts of green and pink! Take as many photos as you can! THE MOON: Do not take my photo, if you little apes dare to photograph me I will be so tiny, I swear to god I will make myself so goddamn tiny

I've had enough espresso shots to see into the mind of a cloud, and let me tell u it isn't pretty

Elizabeth Holmes if you want to drink my blood that's cool with me babe

is a spiderweb the spider’s house or restaurant

There should be a holiday for those of us that raised ourselves.

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's day card out of my psychiatrists bills.

My mom still leaves me in the car with all the windows rolled up

Really wish the neighborhood kids would stop playing dinosaur dick with my cursed earhorn

I've had enough espresso shots to see into the mind of a cloud, and let me tell u it isn't pretty