Normalize proposing to Edgar Allan Poe during a seance.

*Tries to put a fake mustache on a ladybug*

Super weird that my landlord won't let me pay him with bad vibes & ancient prophecies.

There should be more things for me to emerge from. Portals and shadows and weak sections of drywall. That sort of stuff. It would make my sudden appearance more fun for people.

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

Super weird they don't give u a college scholarship for absorbing ur twin in the womb.

Sorry I can't hang out tonight, I'm making my two Nicolas Cage pillows kiss.

I have death bearing hips.

even if he isn't dead, cremate him anyway

I have death bearing hips.

Can't decide if i want to join a cult or a landfill.

Now that I take yoga, I can cry in all kinds of crazy positions.

*Aligning my chakras to death metal*

How am i supposed to communicate effectively when there isn't a bed ridden poltergeist emoji

lightning bolts are shooting out of my mood ring is that good

I love haunting, but you can't work from home.

Normalize proposing to Edgar Allan Poe during a seance.

How am I supposed to trust my instacart shopper after finding out they are not an interdimensional being trying to retrieve my third eye from Zed, a crafty mercenary from the 16th century.

Super weird they don't give u a college scholarship for absorbing ur twin in the womb.

Every toddler wearing a Ramones shirt is CIA

playing music i think the spiders in my apartment will like

You never actually have to ask me if I want to see the dead thing you found in the woods.

Who needs a partner, when you can snuggle a walking stick covered in sheep's blood.

*Sprinkles my baby teeth over you as you sleep*

I can't fall asleep until at least one Victorian poltergeist named Ethelbert tries to feed on my aura.

It's a beautiful evening to shapeshift into a crow that gets trapped in Stevie Nick's hair forever.

Some nights you just want to relax, unhinge your jaw, and release a plague of tarantulas that form into a thick goth mist, that invades your enemies house.

i like to end the night on a high note by murdering a clown with my violin

Sorry my mom wouldn't stop talking on our killing spree.

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's day card out of my psychiatrists bills.

NORTHERN LIGHTS: Take my picture! Please! I don't look great now but the photos will be spectacular, bursts of green and pink! Take as many photos as you can! THE MOON: Do not take my photo, if you little apes dare to photograph me I will be so tiny, I swear to god I will make myself so goddamn tiny

I've had enough espresso shots to see into the mind of a cloud, and let me tell u it isn't pretty

Elizabeth Holmes if you want to drink my blood that's cool with me babe

is a spiderweb the spider’s house or restaurant

There should be a holiday for those of us that raised ourselves.

Made my mom the most beautiful Mother's day card out of my psychiatrists bills.

My mom still leaves me in the car with all the windows rolled up

Really wish the neighborhood kids would stop playing dinosaur dick with my cursed earhorn

I've had enough espresso shots to see into the mind of a cloud, and let me tell u it isn't pretty

Sorry I can't hang out tonight, i'm naming all my pet leeches after rare constellations.

tried to id a rare mushroom this morning but it scampered off and escaped through a portal

Who up thinkin' bout how Papa Smurf is probably a sex trafficker

Is your wedding going to be open casket

Quick! someone steal the popemobile

Ever feel so tired, that ur eyes feel like two runny eggs that are bleeding off your face

Showing my goth cat autopsy photos to win his love back.

My eldest poltergeist daughter verified me this morning (with blood)

It's spring! the flowers are popping, the birds are singing, and a guy is beating off in an alley to a mural of Mary Magdalene