i put the hot in psychotic.

If you see "This message was deleted" on WhatsApp it's because the person who sent it either changed their mind about sending it or it was no longer relevant. You don't need to ask "What did the message you deleted say?" every time.

It’s a good thing Congress isn’t alive to see this....

Ever finish a chapter in your life and wish you’d never learned to read?

Somedays I wish I had earlids.

Night night sweet dreamies Take a moment to notice what you carried, what you conquered, and what you quietly survived. Not every win is loud. Not every step forward is visible. But you showed up, and that matters. Rest tonight knowing you’ve earned your place in tomorrow.

There was a time when I thought George Bush was as bad as it could get. I was wrong.

I don't know where Waldo is. I have my own problems.

(fiddler trying to get noticed) look everyone, i’m on the roof

Every sentence sounds like it started as a Facebook meme and ended as federal policy.

Horseplay by horses should be called humanplay.

I love texting because I don’t have to use any of the muscles in my face.

At this point there should be sirens for when good things happen.

Night night sweet dreamies There’s no such thing as a tiny triumph. If it makes your heart proud, take a moment to honour it.

I'm sorry Ms Jackson I am surreal Never meant to make your daughter cry I'm a fish with one gigantic eye

A serious illness really demonstrates that most of your 'friends' are merely acquaintances. Your real friends, the ones who show up when the chips are down, can usually be counted on the fingers of one hand

*MAGALOMANIAC 🤔

Who wore it Better: Royalty Vs Drag Royalty Edition #PrinceAndrew #BagaChipz

"czech. uhhh. slovakia." i laughed. got to find the humour somewhere.

CARTOON OF THE DAY

did we ever get to the bottom of what they were feeding smelly cat

Sorry, I can’t. I have plans to not do that thing.

2026, in brief

which essential oil stops people from telling me about their weekend?

Not enough people have given me far more credit than I deserve.

Does Aquaman get high on seaweed?

This

I sure do make a lot of morons.

Every now and then without talking about it, me and my husband get our tabby cat and pretend we are cat show judges. We talk about her stature and get her to stand with her head and tail out, like judges do at cat shows. Then, as if normal, we carry on with our day.

I rang in sick for work, not because I was ill, but because our cat, who has never once given me a second of affection, fell asleep tucked into my lap. There was no way I was moving anywhere.

Knockoff Billie Eilish called Billie Eilishish.

Some people are like sunshine for the soul . . . some, not so much

I don't give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine's Day combo celebrations.

Enough with this hollow shit gimme solid chocolate so I can spend Valentine’s gnawing on it like a dog with a rawhide.

well that was definitely something but not nothing #MilanoCortina2026 #figureskating

I am not exaggerating: this is the most shocking sports result I have ever witnessed #MilanoCortina2026

Opened a pizza restaurant. To give the impression we'd been around a long time, I included in all the marketing that we've been making fresh pizza since 1995. This was the year I turned 12, and remember making a pizza in a cooking class at school.

Mrs. Angry: I thought you were going to do the dishes Me: should we really be talking about this? THE DOW IS OVER 50,000

I have a thing where I have to knock one out to a celebrity that's recently passed away. Kind of like paying respects, in a creepy sorta way. The Queen was a challenge, I won't lie.

"Cross-Eye Kash" reads like a rebuttal track to Cotton-Eye Joe

Ooop!

If cuteness were an Olympic sport, all cats would be tied for the gold.

This carpet is super fancy! A shag? This carpet is super! Fancy a shag? Punctuation matters.

Perfect

The cat is on my lap and I can't get to the kitchen to prepare lunch without moving her. Does Uber Eats enter a home and deliver to a specific room?

MAGA: “Songs should be in English” Kid Rock:

adorable if literal: raining cats and dogs

Finally caught up on the halftime show and honestly it made me feel like I was on holiday! Made me smile, I just enjoyed it - I didn't need to speak fluent Spanish to do that. Good job #BadBunny ❤️