Ok yes, that all chick space thingy is embarrassing af… but where was all this vitriol when Shatner and the boys did it?

Why does the sound of your own voice never stop being traumatizing?

Traffic annoys me. War makes me angry. But waiting for my husband to lace up his boots absolute sends me into a fit of rage.

Things I have not enjoyed on my family camping trip so far: - family - camping

So patronizing when the dentist patiently explains how to floss. I'm not a baby who doesn't know how to do basic things. I'm a baby who doesn't wanna

I can’t believe I just lost all this weight only to find out I’m still ugly.

Two Things I Learned Today: 1. I can barbell squat my body weight 2. What an anal prolapse is

Just out walking with my dad with a bum hip and my mom with a messed up ankle. It’s been one block. It’s been half an hour.

You can steal my sunshine as long as you promise to set me on fire with it.

Someday we’re gonna tell people about waterbeds and they’re gonna be like that’s so dumb there’s no way that’s true

At any given moment you can assume I’m peeing just a little bit.

sometimes I wish you guys could love me for who I am and not the completely fabricated version I’ve purposely created on bluesky

How come when a woman says she's had many sexual partners she’s “promiscuous” but when I say it I’m a “liar”

me: I can’t believe I’m finally home. It doesn’t feel real. wife: *drops stack of mail in my lap* can you go through this? me: ok, now it feels real

"Long story short," my mom said 40 minutes ago

If I poop myself in this Walmart do you think anyone will notice?

Damn girl are you a Rubik’s cube? Because fuck you u stupid piece of shit

I can usually tell I'm right by the sound of my husband furiously googling something followed by complete silence

You’re never too old to chase your dreams. There will come a time when you can no longer catch them, though.

A single image from a film that immediately makes you hear a song from the soundtrack playing in your head

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born, and it sure as shit better not be me

Remember when the only intense online drama revolved around someone’s Facebook relationship status?

Me: go in that bag & find my wallet Robber: which one is it Me: the one that says Bad Motherfucker on it Robber: can't find that one Me: oh that's weird [nervous laughter] maybe just give me the Totoro one

Self-confidence is my four year old asking me to turn off the ceiling fan so he can show me how high he jumps.

wife: can you do me a favor? me: you bet! wife: go out to my car, and-- me: whoa, whoa, WHOA

ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya

The best farts are the ones that make you check your pants but you didn’t actually shit yourself

So. I was thinking… haha no. I never do that.

A hill I’m prepared to die on: Dobby the Elf is to Harry Potter as Jar Jar Binks is to Star Wars.

Weed: Let’s make brownies Cocaine: WE SHOULD START OUR OWN RECORD LABEL

Turkeys don’t take 12 hours to roast… what were our grandparents smoking?

Every dad gift ideas list is like: Scotch rocks, socks that are also a knife, bacon wallet, hammer subscription

listen here kids, back in MY day we didn't have this fancy thing called "therapy” to help us deal with our family, we just silently resented each other until death freed us

My forehead is so big my dad used to tell me if I was ever hard up for cash I could always lease out my forehead for advertising space.

38 years ago my father gave me my first computer. Today I will travel back in time to stop him.

turns out, the guy who invented cpr just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest

Um. My split personality is showing.

According to National Geographic, I’m going to live forever.

before coffee: I hate everything after coffee: I hate everything but nervouser

Alexa, trade the kids for weed.

secret santa at the cia prolly goes hard as hell

Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean. So give him a salad, maybe.

You know what’s fun? Having covid while being menopausal. My body is either in the frozen tundra or in the bowels of flaming hell.

Announcement: decided to get rid of my mental health to focus on social media

Did you know? Black Friday is named in honor of Rebecca Black, who invented Friday in 2011.

i spent a lot of cold new england mornings standing in the exhaust of a warming pontiac pretending to make my wwf entrance which was, i believe, the first in a series of dominos leading to the internet posts before u

I’m excited for the spring when the snow melts and I can find all the Christmas lights I meant to hang but got distracted by sitting on my ass.

Does the UK have like 13 television actors and they just keep putting them in new shows? What’s going to happen when they die?