live 2 flirt, flirt 2 live

Your attention please. Due to unforseen circumstances we are going to have to let it linger. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Superintendent Chalmers! I hope you're prepared for an unforgettable luncheon

Post-shibari hop of shame

getting drunk off my ass and sending emails to linguists that say shit like "is it possible to have a spelling bee in chinese?"

just a heads up, they're upbraiding your ass in the severe headmaster groupchat

50s gangster: still won't sing, eh? Charlie, give this stoolie a bit of chin music. (pow kablomm kapow, spits out tooth, etc etc) Oh we got a tough guy do we? OK Charlie, why don't we play our friend here a little

"Actually I love being tied to this mast" -Odysseus sailing past the island with the sirens who make you cope and seeth

The Enthusiast’s Guide to Military Operation Names: AMERICA: drink nine jack and cokes and throw these darts at the 9/11 Memorial Wall of Portentous Adjectives. Feastables Presents Operation Enduring Hubris

also sex is just de facto problematic. trying to make it squeaky clean and politically righteous is also a form of repression and shame. one of many Protestantisms unfortunately

demons then: demanded blood sacrifice, tried to have sex with you demons now: make you say "i'm the CEO of killing myself" 1 million times a day

to the tune of hall and oates "your kiss": your tits, your tits look rad as shit

do you guys hear that bell tolling? wonder who it’s for. it’s so loud lmao

I’m from Whoville, and I say kill the Grinch!

Campbell’s Unveils New Line Of Self-Defense Soups https://theonion.com/campbells-unveils-new-line-of-self-defense-soups/

once again joining the many people who have observed how much of a world-historical problem it is that Trump is so fucking funny

OPERATION EIGHTEEN NAKED COWBOYS IN THE SHOWERS AT RAM RANCH

a “Space Force”, if you will

Scientists are using mushrooms to create sustainable insulation for housing in Alaska’s extreme climate, which sees parts of the state swing from minus-78 degrees Fahrenheit to 100 degrees throughout the year.

You had better not be thinking about deconstructing masculinity, that kinda thing will get your ass beat in these parts.

apropos of nothing

Philip K Dick correctly predicted how annoying the future would be, and I think it’s because he was a Bay Area guy

Godspeed You! Gay Idiot

Forensic Meteorology is this anything

Ugh I’m getting so many of these

Me (just showed up, no idea what’s going on): Yeah! Crucify him!

Madonna-Whore Buddy Cop Comedy

gm

American Thanksgiving is actually based on an older late november holiday called Fuckmageddon Cumpocalypse 199X

well well well

I just want what any guy wants: to be crushed to death by Julie Andrews driving a monster truck

The Strokes... more like the Pulmonary Embolisms haha suck it Julian

oh boy, time to make my famous saurkraut and lutefisk pizza. would you be a dear and grab me a shovel

tag yourself

multiverse theory was invented by frustrated comic book writers, and now an entire generation has commitment issues

Pushing the button so hard my hand punches straight through the diorama…

Me when I lose my twentieth consecutive game of smash

okay okay OKAY i’ll rank all the Shakespeare plays 1. Nice Night For Fucking 2. The Parallax View 3. Comedy Central Roast of Queen Elizabeth I 4. Romeo and Juliet and Ted and Alice 5. Untitled Richard Burbage Project

I'm a geologist and this isn't cute or funny. Rocks only climb trees like this when they're very stressed.

tfw i meet the buddha on the road

>looking for a new workplace >ask the receptionist if their workplace is business or bureaucracy >she doesn't understand >pull out diagram explaining what is business and what is bureaucracy >she laughs and says "it's a good workplace ma'am" >apply for a job >it's bureaucracy