One of those memes that isn't so much "ha-ha funny" as it is "nod-nod true."

If it ever snows here again, I'm going to make a snowman, film it melting the next day, in a high a framerate as I can, then make a "Birth of a Snowman" by playing it back in reverse.

If you see this, post a bad woman you love

where I'm posting from

I take on average 10,000 stills and a half hour of video every week. Most I'll never think about again. This I'll hold onto until I grow old. 4 hours ago. Zero edits. No recoloring. No cropping. Nothing. Just straight up reality. 🦑

Looooots of people misunderstanding this post. Goose didn't bite off anyone's finger. That's just the last part to be swallowed. Geese eat you feet first.

It's that time of year

In case anyone doesn't know: There's a subset of girls out there, who give names to their normal-ass, daily-driver cars. THESE ARE THE FUN GIRLS. YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH THESE GIRLS. TRUST ME.

edibles is actually short for edwardibles

I present to you, the cat owner experience: Me: "I love you." Me: "Why are you screaming?"

spotted in transit

If you don't remember the feeling of clicking the buttons on one of these with your foot, I lowkey think you're too young to be on the Internet. Also, just look at those fuckers. People used to DESIGN shit.

I don't know if I've said this before, but I'd be more likely to buy Uncrustables if they came with a bag of croutons made from the cut-off bread parts. If you're gonna overcharge massively for pre-assembled sandwiches, I am gonna want the rest of that bread. I'm far too cheap to buy 'em, anyways.

Poe: It’s about a man whose sudden urgent flatulence gives away his horrible crime when the police question him Publisher: Poe: It’s just a draft I’ll tweak it a bit

Haven't ridden a bike in 25 years: You'll be a little wobbly for the first THREE FEET, then you'll be ready to ride ten miles. Haven't chewed gum in six months: LOL SUCKER, YOU'RE GONNA BITE YOUR TONGUE SO FUCKING HARD, ABOUT NINE TIMES. YOU MIGHT BLEED.

There are two kinds of apps, which you can distinguish by how they handle it when you do something like selecting "Export multiple _____" when there's only one of that thing in the project. Type A: "WHOA, OMG, HOLD UP. STOP EVERYTHING. SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG!!!!!" Type B: "Whatev. 1 is a number."

What's the deal with sci-fi writers coming up with very odd takes on Italian food? Thinking particularly of Ray Bradbury and his "liquid pizza" soup monstrosity.

When those porn cam ads say "Never jerk off alone again," something in the back of my mind actually kinda interprets that as a threat. Sometimes I do actually want to jerk off alone. USUALLY, in fact. The ad should read "hey, you can occasionally pay semi-reasonable rates for webcam sex."

Me: "I'm starting to suspect that you're actually an AI in android form, and the three dates we've been on are just some kind of beta-testing thing." Her: "That's a very sharp, and frankly quite reasonable, take on the situation. Let's unpack this carefully."

#GnomonTV "Sex Toy Story: Buzz Lightflesh" Computer-animated sex farce film. gnomonchronicles.com/wiki/Sex_Toy...

#3157 A helpful tutorial

I understand callow youths who dive into the bandwagon, complaining about Christmas Creep. But if you're in your 40s and you insist on no Xmas shit before Dec 1 or after Jan 1, I don't understand you, and you scare me. You know goddamn well, 30 days whoosh by like NOTHING. (1 of 2)

If I ever fall off a really tall cliff, I'm going to make sure to pitch my scream up slightly as I fall, so it sounds like constant note to anyone watching me fall. I might not be able to beat Newton in the situation, but I don't have to just give in to Doppler's bitch ass.

the neurodivergent urge to wonder if you are performing Friendliness correctly. if your Friendliness has been appropriately calibrated to the situation at hand.😮‍💨

Leave it to the sun itself to lose No Nut November.

I feel like online sex shops could make a bunch of money, selling overstocked, discontinued, and irregular dildos by the pound. Like, you could order a 10, 20, or 50 pound "Box of Cocks" and see what you get.

Found Jason Robertson's new, highly formulated sports drink. Dunno where he sources it. #sports #NHL #DallasStars

When that turd that refuses to flush looks up at you defiantly.

WAIT. HOLD ON. Jack Kilby did his groundbreaking work on the microchip, while working for Texas Instruments, in Dallas. The Frito and Lay companies merged and moved to Plano around the same time. And Fritos are MICRO VERSIONS OF CHIPS. DID THEY THINK THEY WERE COMPETING WITH TEXAS INSTRUMENTS?

I don't know if I have quite enough Scottish ancestry to run around in a kilt, but I kinda want to. See, my calves are my best feature, but only gym bros ever notice them. A kilt might be the only way to get women to see them. And I don't know how many years of Peak Calf I have left.

NEXT CENSUS, WHEN THEY ASK ME ABOUT MY RELIGION, I AM GOING TO DIRECTLY QUOTE THIS POST IN THAT SECTION OF THE FORM.

Before we put on this 90s playlist, listen: If I really tap my foot to that "Found Out About You" song, it's because the beat is dope. I'm NOT in it for the slut-shaming. Also, give that guy a break. He's clearly just upset, in a particular way that prefigures emo themes, of the next decade.

Carl Johnson's apartment in Liberty City must have been a REAL SHITHOLE. He just walked out on that lease, like it was a half-consumed tube of saltine crackers. That's probably all he left in that bitch, too.

From a standpoint of deductive reasoning (and assuming sane intentions), we might not have gotten confirmation of Half Life 3 existing, BUT WE PROBABLY KNOW ITS RECOMMENDED SYSTEM SPECS, RIGHT NOW. They will want it to be able to run on these new Steam Machines they hope to sell in large numbers.

"No Nut November" is about as smart as "No Shitting Weekends." Sure, you can do it, if you plan correctly and you have no medical complications that would prevent it. But it's dumb as fuck and just causes a mess when it's over.

So many people out there never had phone sex on a landline. Y'all young adults don't understand how hot your ear would get, on ANY long conversation, let alone a sex thing. Please understand that there were DUDES faking orgasms, just to get off the phone. I know because I did it. I really did.

My current keyboard is cursed. For the second time in as many cleanings, I managed to drop a key down the back of my desk, where it's really difficult to retrieve. It's the damn 3 key, this time. I had no idea how many times I need to type either 3 or # per day.

Me: *chilling* My cat: *stretches in her cardboard box and makes a REALLY WEIRD SCRAPING SOUND with her claws* Me: *looks around to see wtf that noise was* My cat: *notices me looking startled, looks around like "OH, SHIT! WE 'BOUT TO SCRAP WITH SOME BITCH-ASS FOOLS? POINT ME AT 'EM."

Me: *waits three years, watching to see if a thing I legitimately need will finally go on sale* Random dickhead, as I'm finally buying it for a somewhat reasonable discount: "Pfft. Ya know they just stuck a higher price with a line through it on the website, for Black Friday. You're a dumb sucker."

HOLDUP! THEY FINALLY PUT WARREN ZEVON INTO THE ROCK & ROLL HALL OF FAME, THIS YEAR! THE INSTITUTION FINALLY REGAINS ITS LEGITIMACY. FUCK YES. All y'all heathens go and listen to Warren Zevon, right now.

My favorite part about modern life is how people will hand you a tablet that uses literal quantum-tunneling physics to enable touchscreen functionality, specifically so you can use it to fingerpaint your "signature" on a form, like you're an illiterate pirate from Treasure Island making your "mark."

Thumbnail: Picture of a fork, with "THIS IS NOT A FORK" in huge letters Video: 8 minutes of dumb factoids about knives, before smarmy host finally says "ACKSHUALLY, THE WORD 'fork' COMES FROM THE LATIN 'forcuspadius,' AND THAT MEANT 'SPOON' SO TECHNICULLY ALL FORKS ARE SPOONS." My brain: *stroke*

Our world is depressed and depressing. Silver cars, brushed-metal and black kitchens, gray carpets, white walls, gray or beige furniture. Bright yellow and red text on a bright blue background is rebellion, in and of itself. And the color is like cooling water to our boredom-parched eyeballs.

Wannabe influencer with 8 subscribers: "OMG we have to blur or tape over ALL THE LOGOS ON EVERYTHING!!!" Sammy Johns: "Yo, Chevy. I released a song about weirdos fucking in one of your vans. The characters in the song are consenting adults, but your brand and your van have no say in the matter."

Me, every time I exit out of Steam's Big Picture mode: "OKAY. 'LOCK IN,' LIKE THE YOUNG PEOPLE SAY. DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY SHUT OFF YOUR PC WHILE YOU'RE IN THIS MENU." Also me: "Why am I always afraid I'm gonna do that? I've literally never accidentally hit that button."

It just occurred to me that lots of young people probably never tasted Crystal Pepsi (even during its brief re-release) and therefore think it tasted either like Pepsi or like Sprite/7up. NO. IT WAS LITERALLY A SECRET THIRD THING.

If you see this, QTP with your favorite Jedi! (Wrong answers only)

I just saw footage of a rat catching a bat in mid-flight. I don't care how many planets there are in the cosmos. NOBODY beefs like mammals vs mammals, on our freakin' planet. As long as there's two mammals, there won't be peace. Mammals aren't made for peace. We're made for constant set tripping.

The sheer number of times per week that my cat attacks my computer mouse makes me wonder if she somehow understands the irony.