RIP Patricia Routledge I remember watching old episodes of Keeping Up Appearances on PBS I felt sorry for Richard he always tried his best to make Hyacinth happy

What exactly is the deal with this timeline? 1995: Yahoo Search debuts, is pretty good 1998: Google Search is even better 2010s: Enshittification makes all search engines progressively more awful 2015-2021: People beg for search engines to stop sucking 2022-2025: LOL, YOU GET AN AI WIFE INSTEAD

They say the wheel was probably invented for pottery first, then someone thought of flipping it sideways and applying it to transportation. What I'm saying is, I need 5 grand to buy some 3D printers and try attaching them to the side of my car. JUST IN CASE IT SOMEHOW WORKS WONDERS.

...so they idolize Vikings, but also have an obsession with keeping soldiers clean-shaven?

Why does making toast in a toaster oven feel like the literal worst thing you could possibly do with it? It feels illegal.

Was it actually impossible to make an air mattress that would hold air for an entire night, for more than the first night out of the box? I think it could have been done, but the "good people" at the Coleman company were just sadists. They knew everyone using their products was being tormented.

Follow this artist! I don't have anything clever to say. I just know good art, when I see it. #art

If we live in a simulation, I think it's less "hyper-quantum computers built by aliens" and more "we're the lore for a really stupid tabletop wargame, and falling sales have prompted a lot of crazy-ass events in the game's recent editions." That's why Trump looks like that. Fun model to paint.

A largely-ignored question raised by the past couple weeks: There are people watching network television, still? Okay, but why? And who? And what the fuck?

Deacononychus would be more palaeontologically accurate. Or even Utahpastor.

You ever run into those Boomer guys who have never touched a musical instrument, but you happen to be there when they see a kid using multiple guitar pedals in a live performance? "Yes, old man. I am fully aware that Eddie Van Halen didn't use pedals. What a guy."

Nothing online lies harder than a ’Fire Place 4K (NO LOOP)’ video on YouTube.

Cool Ranch Doritos turn 40 next year. Maybe Frito-Lay will introduce a special edition, where there's enough Cool Ranch Powder on ALL the chips, instead of that weird 1-3 individual chips that are literally purple with it.

*sits on British people's shoulders, with fake devil horns* "You know what you guys haven't tried? Adding baked beans to popcorn."

All these dipshits who believed the rapture was happening today will realize their mistake and stop believing random nonsense they hear on the internet from now on, right? RIGHT??????

"Typhoon Ragasa" voted most likely to be the name of both a storm and an album by Vampire Weekend. (you know the title track would be such a fucking banger)

Okay, so this motherfucker says he solved it. According to his stupid ass, Tylenol is the cause of autism. He's gonna lay off vaccines and say he was wrong about that, then, right? RIGHT???

We're in this quantum-uncertainty state, right now, where we don't know what Jimmy Kimmel is going to say, tomorrow If he says "DISNEY CAN SUCK MY BALLS," we all cheer. If he does a weird monologue about the weather and the upcoming season of "The Bachelor" and nothing else...oof.

Nvidia graphics driver team: "We're updating our shit for every new AAA game. Don't worry." Nvidia PhysX driver team: "What? We'll release an update in eight months. Calm down." Nvidia HD audio driver team: *office on fire in the background* "NO TIME! WE'RE PUSHING THE SECOND UPDATE OF THE DAY!"

I wish teachers would've talked more about me, amongst themselves, back in the day. If my non-music teachers had mentioned that they had to keep telling me "stop drumming your desk," my music teachers might have said "lil' dude, you are never going to be great keyboardist. YOU SHOULD BE A DRUMMER."

OKAY, NEW RULE: Everyone gets a landline back, and a modem. You have to connect to an oldschool BBS to get the password for your cellular and broadband internet back. If you're too young, old, or stupid to do that...well, keep trying. You'll come back smarter and the rest of us will get a break.

Literally all good sense and evidence, basically the universe itself, screaming: "DON'T GO FUCKING CAVE DIVING." Some people: "Okay, but I'm gonna dive in these underwater caves just a little bit."

GEORGE LUCAS! RIGHT AT THIS MOMENT, YOU CAN PROBABLY BUY STAR WARS BACK FOR HALF OF WHAT THEY PAID YOU! DO IT FOR THE PEOPLE, BRO. PUT IT ON NETFLIX.

If I go crazy, I specifically want you to stop calling me Superman. That would definitely just make things worse for all concerned.

I've seen grown-ass people run away from cute lil' spiders, the way you'd normally be expected to sprint to higher ground, during a tsunami warning. But they still don't hate spiders like I hate calling to make appointments for shit. PLEASE LET ME DO THAT SHIT ONLINE. ALL OF IT. IT'S 2025.

"I'm not greasy," said every sunscreen. Like a liar.

Warning to young people: Even if you pay off all your student debt, you will NEVER be free of those nightmares, where you realize you're enrolled in a class that you somehow haven't been attending, all semester. I fully expect to have at least one more of those dreams, three weeks after I die.

Anyone ever have the experience of using power tools, then having vivid visualizations of every tiny moment when you were SLIGHTLY less safe than you could have been, with them? It's like inverted call of the void. My brain is replaying and iterating on improbable ways I could have carved myself.

If you've never put on a flannel shirt as you're heading out the door, then noticed later in the day that you'd already had a flannel shirt tied around your waist THE WHOLE TIME, you're not 90s enough to get me.

People in the legal weed zones: does anyone make weed gummies in Fruit Roll-Up form? That way you could consume weed in a safer, more convenient way, BUT ALSO STILL KEEP THE ACT OF ROLLING IN THE EQUATION. Probably don't pass a Weed Roll-Up around, and have errbody take little bites. That's nasty.

"Were these together, originally? Or are they from different...sources? Does that matter to one's tumor?" - King Charles, as he eats his daily salad bowl of roughly chopped fetuses and placentae

I see that Banksy's latest has achieved its objective, which is to provoke public awareness and discussion of Banksy.

"No, I can't come over. I have to go through all my liked posts and see which ones I want to bookmark." - Me, probably

I don't usually repost my own shit, but I feel like this has somehow become EVEN MORE TRUE over the past 19 days since I posted it. So it gets another go-round.

What would Kirby turn into, if he sucked up both the blue and orange portals, from Portal, and swallowed them?

FOR ONCE, I see the idea for the Halloween costume, in time to actually consider constructing it.

Listen to me, RFK Jr, you pompous, rubber-faced fartbox: I GUARANTEE THE PEOPLE WHO DISCOVERED WE COULD SELECTIVELY BREED PLANTS TO BECOME CROPS WERE ON THE FUCKING SPECTRUM. "What's he doing?" "Rubbing those plants together...to make them have sex?" "Plants have sex? "I guess. Let him cook."

Guy inventing Tums: "Now we get to watch people make a choice between the pain of indigestion and heartburn, versus the feeling of fingernails on a chalkboard, except the whole board is made of chalk, and it's your teeth instead of your fingernails."

I've talked about this before, but if you've never seen British true crime TV, you'll LOVE IT, because of the adorable way they talk about drugs. Narrator: "By this point, Andre was spiraling deep into drug addiction." Andre's Friend: "It was bad, man. He was smoking up to two marijuanas a day."

If my teenage self could see me now, I think I'd be most impressed by how my older self is SOMEHOW EVEN MORE ANGRY AT THE WORLD. I was angry at all the blatant, destructive stupidity I saw in the world around me. It's as if the planet read my mind, considered carefully, then said "hold my beer."

We all should have known traditional media was NOT OKAY, back when Robin Williams died, and for like two weeks, these monsters were like "so we're discussing this morning: should you look at every funny person you know and say 'you're broken on the inside and it's just a matter of time' or nah?"

RFK Jr. is totally gonna have the last laugh when he reveals he's been taking spice this whole time, in order to turn into a navigator.

My decades of rabid hatred for Cracker Barrel have been vindicated, beyond my wildest dreams, so at least I got that going on.

Drink scotch straight: everyone thinks you're kind of a badass. Eat nougat by itself: people won't know what the fuck to do.

It's kinda sad that, as a complete skeptic about any supernatural phenomena, I have to accept that cupping a fart in your hand and throwing it at someone is LITERALLY THE CLOSEST THING TO SPELLCASTING THAT CAN POSSIBLY EXIST.

Post a PERFECT album from the 90s that isn’t Nirvana or Pearl Jam

I've said it before and I'll say it again: things just felt so much better, back when we had CD-ROM drives in our computers. That jet-engine-spooling-up sound that came from your PC was just so dope. We took it for granted. We didn't realize it would become less and less a feature in our lives.

Why spend good money on drugs, when you can bite onto the side of a door frame, flex your neck, and suck air as hard as you can, like a horse?

'Member that show "Trading Spaces?" I stand by my original take: All the "design experts" ever did was rearrange shit to make more floor space, spraypaint tacky knick-knacks, and maybe add a mirror and a gross "painting" they made. But they kept speaking in jargon, the whole time. It was a con.

Guys? Are we about to have "Weekend At Donnie's" up in this bitch? IS THAT THIS WEEKEND? THE WEEKEND WE'RE IN RIGHT NOW?