The White House released a statement mourning the men and women lost during Operation Bad*ass Motherf*ckers [sic], who braved missile and machine gun fire in an attempt to raise a banner across the Strait of Hormuz which read "Close this if you are gay".

In my horniest moments, I have believed the cute baristas have left me messages in my latte art.

Maybe... I am the baddie that was fumbled.

Never in my life have I ever been able to set up a soundbar successfully

This mug will never ever apply to me and I think that's bullshit. I just want to drink out of it.

when i was 4 years old my mom took me to see austin powers 2 and we had to leave the theater because i started crying after austin powers lost his mojo.

Like and subscribe to orgasm immediately

Chimkin

If I was boss of everything I would make it so every film trailer has to include the line "from the twisted mind of [director name here]" No matter what the movie is. A tender portrait of a family in crisis? FROM THE TWISTED MIND OF--

getting a text in the middle of the night and it's just my loathsome vizier saying "Your enemies lie in wait, my lord!!" what am I supposed to do with that. its four in the morning

Frankenstein is a metaphor for the dangers of reanimating corpses with electricity

I don't even know how to type that badly on purpose. Jesus Christ.

I thought the Epstein emails would be difficult to read for a different reason

just opening up the new Epstein docs at random:

Our breeding-program research reports that the animals’ reluctance to mate is often linked to people like you standing around watching.

all of you are very annoying but i also am very annoying

Advanced level lesbian is finding a man appealing to look at, but recoiling at the idea of his touch.

Drop dead gorgeous women are so beautiful to me… but that’s just my opinion…

Keep expecting the news to be like "That aurora borealis looks nice, but experts say it's a sign that we're totally fucked in a new, unprecedented way"

Panadol has hetero energy. Tramadol has bisexuals on their periods energy and aspirin is for the hardworking lesbian

Pardon my French. Imprison my Italian. Execute my Dutch.

online is just like a bunch of ghosts haunting a place that sucks

I need to stop saying "now this is podracing" after every time I get gendered correctly

Humiliation KinkMan

Call me the Edmund Fitzgerald the way twenty-nine good men lost their lives going down on me.

Save me beauty in the mundane

Heimlich never saw a penny for his maneuver. But he didn't do it for the money. He did it to hump people

Gimme the beat boy and feel my hole-- ER, FREE! SOUL! SOUL! I said soul.

Ahahaha fuckin good

I used to be smarter, but now I'm strongerer

There's a lot to criticise about American culture, but you dudes cooked with "my dogs are barking."

SoftBank? Wake me up when we start getting these banks hard.

you think you've got a decent grasp of what the hokey pokey is until the song says "and then you do the hokey pokey" and you're right back to square one

I'm 192cms tall and when people ask me whether I play any tall person sport I cry and throw up

Who up Crankensteining their Frankenstein

“Fuck them kids.” That’s literally what an ICE agent said when ICE, the FBI et al. raided an apartment in Chicago, including with a Blackhawk helicopter, separated children from their parents, and zip-tied them to each other. abc7chicago.com/post/ice-chi...

Watch live here: globalsumudflotilla.org/live/ Streams from many boats struggling to stay connected, probably Israel jamming. Aljazeera w live text updates. As of 12 minutes ago, “Israel begins to intercept GSF vessels.” It is 9:56pm in Gaza. Godspeed GSF

The Global Sumud Flotilla is being intercepted by the Israeli occupation forces in international waters. Pressure your government for the protection of Global Sumud Flotilla

me reading national security secrets bc i've been accidentally added to a group chat

Please, jack off

Woman at the sandwich shop referenced my unseen partner as he/him despite me wearing a shirt that said 'I made love to your mum, idiot.' what is even the point of wearing this.

*taps mic* girls kissing

I will NEVER love heart react any message from a man. I do NOT want him getting ideas.

We don't call people chucklefuck enough.

Elon Musk is on the verge of tears as he contemplates his imploding empire.

There’s something unusual about Al Yankovic. He’s odd in some way. Strange. There’s only one word to describe him: abnormal

Please enjoy this thread of Elon’s Starship 8 exploding tonight, as seen across space, land, air, & sea View from SpaceX live feed 🚀