I feel like I’m in okay shape as long as I don’t look in a mirror or wear pants or sit down, ever.

Don't just stand there, help me. This molehill isn't going to make a mountain out of itself.

All cookies are "bite size" if you believe in yourself.

I want to be reincarnated as a cat and slap the shit out of everyone

My sex tape is just me, looking for my glasses in fast motion to the Benny Hill theme tune, only to find them on my head in the end scene.

Kinda want to join a sex cult ... but I'm over 40 so I think I've missed my shot.

me: everyone should be comfortable in their own skin :) my brain: except for you me: except for me :)

Me saying "ugh, could you not" but I'm talking about myself existing

I thought I would know more stuff by now.

Me: *complains* Them: what're you going to do about it Me: ...do...about it?

I love this. There's a whole group of people who I get to block all over again!

me: I quit, here's my badge and gun zookeeper: your what

These delusions would go down easier if they were dipped in chocolate.

How am I supposed to communicate without gifs?

I can't be a safe house for your demons.

I typo here too

I’m on way too many social media sites for someone who isn’t very social.

Me, looking for my Twitter peeps

Too ghoul for school

“Living well is the best revenge.” Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

If he doesn't announce "Thar she blows!" into his hand megaphone when I'm sucking him off, he's not the one for me.

The fact that no-one has ever said, "thanks for the mammaries" to me, is a source of never-ending disappointment.

I'm captivating in the same way as those cute colorful rainforest frogs but then you lick them and you die.

I'm sorry for the things I said when I had hope

hyperbole kills more people annually than all other literary techniques combined

people keep saying I should add content warnings and if I’m ever content I promise I’ll let you know

the human race…to oblivion

Every time I go through airport security I'm terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.