Post the shit you wish to see in the world

Sometimes all you need is a little break from everything.. 😊

When I was young and insecure I used to apologize way too much, just constantly apologizing. Also my apologies were blowjobs.

I think unfettered and unbothered burping and farting is completely underrated as a benefit of living alone.

I’ve expanded my reply guy skills to replies on fetlife posts now. Things are going great

In HS art class we were allowed to draw nipples when we copied classical paintings but NOT when we did self-portraits, so I secretly drew my own nips on a Botticelli and the teacher never even suspected.

[Werner Herzog voice] He is monstrous, but in a more profound sense, Cookie Monster is also a victim

I wonder how much of this was because ordinary Canadians started consciously buying Canadian and travelling in Canada.

of course i follow you, but i'm not 𝙞𝙣 follow with you

If your date is more than 30 minutes late, you’re allowed to start having sex without them. I don’t care if it’s a lunch date. Those are the rules.

My ideal weight is you on top of me

Spotify wrapped but it’s just all the bad decisions I made

Your last saved meme is your moral philosophy

Question: How much garlic in a dish is too much?

We used to be a proper country

You either die a poster or live long enough to see yourself become a reply guy.

That’s not love, they’re just shitposting

Abuse doesn’t stop just because you become an adult. If you’re dealing with abuse of any kind during the holidays know you’re not alone and I’m here to talk if you need to. Sending you all the love and good vibes. 💖

You’ve just died. The 6th picture in your gallery is what killed you

Neither taken nor available, but a secret third thing (insufferable)

tesla truck in the carpool lane like bitch you ain’t got no friends

If you see this, qtp with a pic from your gallery to describe your mental health

(Showing up to the BDSM party) Bouncer: Fetish? Me: Snuggle slut Bouncer: Me: Bouncer: ok, go ahead slut

you entered a dance contest pick your partner

everyone who spent the 90s laboriously and lovingly making mixtapes just dissolved into ancient dust

Well, gotta go to the store. Better wear something other than these sweat pants with holes in them… (Puts on sweat pants with no holes)

Yay!! Cake!!

I think two adult friends can take a shower together just for fun and it’s totally cute and nice, but his girlfriend insists on being weird about it

if you have pedialyte in your cart along with alcohol that should count as your ID

Name a film you’ve seen six times

The pen remains mightier than the sword

Without downloading new pics, what’s it like dating you?

If you’re going to have a threesome with your roommate you need to set some ground rules. Like if I just licked cum off your tits, it’s your turn to wash the dishes.

Dick so sensitive, I can give you an hours notice before it rains

I’m growing my bread out this winter, and my phone’s facial recognition has stopped working

Let’s check in and see how we’re doing today

When somebody asks for a new photo of me I send this

This is notice that I will not be wearing pants for the foreseeable future

If youre asking me to fax something in the year of our lord 2025, im allowed to smoke in your office

You know, if @lalalyds.bsky.social wanted to come over and hash my corned beef, she could. Happy birthday!! 🥳 🎉

The best pounding I ever got was when I slept with a football player in high school. The sex was just okay but his girlfriend beat the living piss out of me when she found out.

GF: You’re so insensitive! Me: I’ll have you know my dentist says I’m VERY sensitive

Ronald McDonald: I just can't deal with his nonsense anymore Therapist: anything you want to say about this? Hamburglar: robble robble Therapist: w- what Ronald McDonald: you see this is the shit in talking about. He just makes that fuckin noise

I'm so sick of all this shit. I'm tired of having to spend all day posting about pedophiles and AI tech freaks and various other ghouls destroying the world. I should be posting about mailboxes with teeth and airplanes that flap their wings and gollum's favorite songs. Jesus christ

HIM: [typing] Are you wet right now? ME: [scrolling through Hulu menu] Oh yes baby so wet HIM: [typing] Tell me what you’re doing ME: [selecting the menopause episode of The Golden Girls] Just fucking myself so hard

my compulsion to keep a tidy feed means I don't just reskeet you, i meticulously place each of your skeets on display. ⭐️👌

They should replace the body of Christ with Ritz crackers and Cheez Whiz.

I became famous in my high school when I gave a guy a blowjob in this random parking lot behind 7/11 and everyone heard about it. Then other guys kept taking me to that same spot, as if being there would magically cause me to suck dick. So fucking stupid. I mean it worked but