nothin better than sitting next to a really really hot girl wearing nothing but one of my welding gloves

tfw your job is actually just soothing the emotions of a bunch of man sized children

All clothes are tearaway if you’re strong enough

the fun thing about eating roasted pumpkin seeds is that it's like eating salted fiberglass

if your jaw doesnt hurt the next day, you could have fit more toes

the forgiveness of sins is a sin

jesus is such a good bottom

i get more aggressively horny when i am really sad, i'm learning

good afternoon

Maroon 5 voice: This! Horse! Is! Kicking my dad to death, Kids say goodbye, No grampa anymooore,

An easy way to explain this: Which is easier to do, bake a cake from scratch, or fix a cake that someone baked after they accidentally used salt instead of sugar?

Listen to No. 11 :3 succulentandsinister.bandcamp.com/track/no-11-...

am i, the MOST useless lesbian of all time?

i'm sorry but "Britbox" is a terrible name for a streaming service. "oy! i think they've got the new series on QueensCooch. it's streaming on Netminge"

a profound feeling of sickness, deep in the bones

BE NICE TO PENIS WOMAN

you and your partner should get regularly tested for ADHD even if you're monogamous

i need to find a way to stream vhs tapes to discord

coping with my bottom dysphoria by making my dick disappear into her ass

bad music for evil people

sure make your lazy jokes. don't even think about the ppl hurt by them. make your crack about "an egg fried this rice" not even thinking about that poor cook in the back of the restaurant making you a delicious meal. sweating half to death because she won't take off that oversized hoodie

i am vexed

we don’t call things “vexing” enough these days. considering how vexing all of this is. i am frequently vexed

bf who has been feeling weirdly emotional lately and is about to go on a long business trip: "omg im gonna miss you so much" secretly lesbian gf who's been smuggling estrogen in his smoothies: "yeah haha. im gonna "Miss" you too"

pretty crazy that all the dystopian sci-fi that I read/watched over my entire life turned out to be wildly optimistic

Getting Naloxone kit to jab into my friends heart any time she considers buying pack of Magic cards

taking up lesbian yearning as a passive form of suicide (my poor heart can't take it)

ughghghghghgh trans women hnnnnnnmmmmmmmmmm

Yeah, I'm a trap. I lure men into my bedroom under the pretense that I'm a woman who's going to fuck them, and when the time comes I reveal that I am only Appetite attended by a court of countless teeth before I set upon my Glorious and Scarlet Work.

too much candy gonna rot your soul

suckin' too hard on my lollipop, oh, love's gonna get me down

the only question a Gaston movie should answer is if anyone fucks like Gaston, anyone sucks like Gaston, plows into you like he's a truck like Gaston

remember feelings?

polyamory is great because if you don't want to beat your own wife, you can beat me instead and keep your property safe

AAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH

I should call her

sometimes i catch myself in the mirror and i'm like damn. i would absolutely *wreck* that girl

snuffbait puppygirls be like: "a NO kill shelter? 😭"

I want to keep making games that feel like hooking up in the psych ward

blood orgy! blood orgy! blood orgy!

i am a grumpy gorl

sometimes, i think it's a shame, when i get feelin' better, when i'm feelin' no pain

I don’t know, but the sun might never come up ever again

The ideal

having a doctor who just graduated is the most attentive healthcare i have ever experienced. i think this says bad things about the world.

gtfo if your cranberry sauce isn’t shaped like a can like nature intended