This happened to my buddy Eric.

Conversation with my four year-old: Her: I saw God today. He was in the sky going into space. Me: Oh yeah? What did God look like? Her: You know already. (Walks away)

Such a lazy dig. Every single church I’ve ever been in has had a benevolence fund for this kind of thing. I imagine most are stretched thin right now. Also, the lady that lies to churches to make rage bait videos is probably not a particularly trustworthy reporter.

i don’t think the main problem with the american church is “too many of them refuse to be scammed by a lady who is obviously lying.”

Imagine waking up every day as one of the most powerful men in the country and deciding to use that power to protect rich pedophiles. Mike Johnson is a worm.

Fred! Fred! It's your cousin, MARVIN DURST? You know that new rock rap sound you've been looking for? Well listen to this

Every conservative commentator publishes a story 2-3 times a year that goes “I was an asshole to random people for no and now they don’t like me. The left has gone too far.”

Yeah good luck with this.

Does anyone remember this movie? True story, it was shot as an R-rated crime comedy called “Down and Under.” Test screenings went awful, so they added one scene of a talking CGI kangaroo, featured it heavily in commercials, and released a toned down version claiming it was a family film.

I’m so sorry but I’m rewatching Blade Runner and

meanwhile

Incredibly funny to watch the right wing going Oh so just because I love money and hate poor people I'm a bad Christian according to "the pope"???

Mike Johnson: ‘My Christian Faith Is More About Not Jacking Off Than Feeding The Poor’

I can’t believe my friend John Raytheon turned out to be a bad guy

The Berenstain in Caught in A Saw Trap

I hate the Barenstain Bears so much. If I saw their house on fire I would not intervene. Awful family.

How your parents expect you to react when they say they’re making a roast:

Wicked should have been split into four parts so that this one could be “Wicked 4 Good.”

When JD Vance tries to divorce his wife because he wants to get with Charlie Kirk’s Widow.

Happy Reformation Day

“This is Calvinism” is one of those things that people who don’t know a lot about the subject say to sound like they have special insight. It’s a thought-terminating cliche disguised as special knowledge.

43 years ago today, readers the world over opened their newspapers and gazed upon cow tools for the first time. happy birthday cow tools. you look great.

I love him so much.

Last year I taught Texas history and my stomach was in knots anytime the Gulf of Mexico came up in a lesson. Which is, uh, a lot.

makes me weep to think of the gifts robbed from us because unaffordable housing has made it difficult for people to pursue their passions and hobbies

Spied two of my royal viziers whispering to one another while walking down a hallway. Chat am I cooked?

turkey at 4 state poultry supply, route 65, springdale, arkansas, 1984

I’m always saying this but these braindead idiots won’t stop trying to pitchpole before getting fast to the whale.

By all available evidence, this man is the median ICE officer.

FLORIDA — “Are you Haitian?” A self-identified off-duty ICE agent snuck in some racism as he was busted for driving drunk with his kids in the car (and resisted arrest) Full: www.youtube.com/watch?v=3ZtV...

Brb parachuting into an active volcano

I have achieved full disassociation.

Here’s my appeal to adult Harry Potter fans: the thing most of you really like about those books how the world building is concrete, totally explained, and involves lots of clear-cut categories for the reader to identify with. Just read a Brandon Sanderson series instead.

I teach middle school, fantasy makes up probably 1/3 of what Gen Alpha is reading and I haven’t seen a single one reading Harry Potter.

What DOES Mike Johnson know? “Sir what is two plus two” “Uhhh I am not familiar with the details of this particular mathematical expression. I just read about “two” this morning. I have full confidence in the president of the United States of America to get to the bottom of this issue.”

Grape Nuts (holding me back): Whoa whoa whoa, hey man, just let it go! This asshole isn't worth it!

Werner Herzog: I found myself in stunned surprise. In that moment I was sure I knew all there was to know. It was as my fate had been revealed to me. It would be impossible for me to ever grow older. In a way I died. Joe Rogan, drinking a glass of medicinal antifreeze: That happened to me too.

i know it sucks but it must feel a little fun to be that guy with the backhoe destroying the white house. that’s like the final boss of operating heavy machinery

Only if 4-6 adventurers of levels 3-5 have the courage to take matters into their own hands.

tyfys 🫡

If I were a journalist I would simply tell people things were off the record and then publish them anyway.

Texting this to the group chat when a joke falls flat:

Forcing Americans to choose between farm subsidies and cheap hamburgers might be the thing that sinks Trump. To an American, that’s like making us choose a favorite between our beloved, large children.

There used to be a room just for the computer. The “computer room,” we called it.

We take it for granted today, but a single Dorito has more nacho flavor than a member of the British Right will get in their entire lifetime.

I’ve been on the phone this week bouncing offers back and forth between two different Toyota dealerships, and it’s so funny how these identical businesses keep slandering each other. This must be what it’s like for non-Christians to hear about Christian denominational disputes.