"There'll be no erotic chatbot then, I'll tell the children"

Barlow 👀

V good private eye this week

‘My husband loves that as a wedding gift we got given something that allows him to take his ring off and keep it safe’ 👀 #storyideaofsorts

Switched on the TV & there’s some show about Britain’s Biggest Warship on BBC 2. It starts in 2016 and the captain has just described the world as ‘pretty frisky.’ Would love to know how he’d describe the world in 2026.

Trying to teach the toddler to tidy up by means of a tidy up song. In reality, all this means is I used to tidy up peacefully once he’d gone to bed, now I still do all the tidying, but there’s an annoying song on in the background and the toddler shouts GO and QUICKLY until I’ve finished

The good thing about mumsnet is it’s like an endless #storyideaofsorts

We had a whole day yesterday when it didn't rain and now we are paying a thousandfold for our hubris. It's like a Greek tragedy but with weather instead of incest

Happy Valentine’s Day, from us to you. Tag your exes. Xoxox

Unsolicited writing advice, no. 107632: If you're writing a sex scene, beware of over-describing actions. Sensations, thoughts and feelings often work better, and won't end up reading like a biology manual.

Deeply relatable.

anyway I knew I'd get good use out of making this

You don’t need AI to write anatomically impossible sex, just my enthusiasm and extremely poor sense of spatial awareness

Aside from anything else, I don’t get how it’s less effort to take a class on using AI to write sex scenes than it is to just… have a bash at writing them. As it were.

Was cutting up a 1960s Woman’s Realm magazine for collage material & found this unabashedly insatiable size queen penguin

Fuck me, imagine hating someone enough to do this to them

I feel like a pandemic, plus weight loss, plus a pregnancy/postpartum, plus breastfeeding has really fucked my ability to know where to buy clothes

Oh, toddler cookbook, you remind me of the woman I used to be

He looks like the notepad next to the landline.

[explaining to a child why they are living in poverty] for every hundredth pint i drink i can get one free pint

Having a big cry to the Take That doc because the thing about a band that’s seen you through your entire adult life is that they’ve also seen you through tricky times at university, deep depression, 4 IVF cycles…

‘I just sat there, and I unzipped my coat.’ I love you, Gary. You have not a single ounce of charisma.

Also, I feel sad for Mark having no one be interested in his solo plans. I really like his solo stuff.

I haven’t finished the Netflix doc, so no spoilers, but I spend a wild amount of time in life in general wondering what the end of Take That will look like this time round.

He would be a better UK leader in that he’s prettier to look at

Sometimes, after the chaos of nursery pick up and bedtime, surprising things make me realise just how lucky I am

Been very bad at sticking to my #cookjan intentions, but spent nap time yesterday making a batch of this duck ragu for the first time as something treaty but wholesome for the freezer, and it is 👌 www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/vene...

This is why it’s good that I can’t climb over fences.

🎵 he’s andy burnham he’s a good northern lad he’s andy burnham his eyes are big and sad 🎵

I wanna sleep with commons people like you

I just saw a guy on the phone in Tesco. He said 'OK... OK. Thanks for telling me.' He then put back into the fridge two bottles of champagne which he'd been about to buy. I'll be thinking about it for a while probably.

The toddler has a book about a woodpecker which contains the disturbing line ‘Oh daddy I’ve had so much fun, you should see the holes I’ve done.’ Would no longer surprise me to see that line cropping up on the international stage.

Picked the toddler up from nursery. They said he’d had a lovely afternoon because they’d been doing singing and dancing. Great. Strap him in, start the drive home. Little voice from the back seat, ‘Baby … shark?’ Fuck’s sake.

This is how I live my life aged 41

The good thing about having a toddler is I have very little capacity to engage with the news

Sorry, sorry, maybe I’m missing something, but why is David Beckham at the World Economic Forum anyway?

I am a serious, thoughtful person, with a profound interest in the geopolitical…ooh Brooklyn Beckham’s kicked off.

actually it's called Reform because they're trying to re-form the Conservative party but in the tent next door

On the one hand, fuck off. On the other hand, #storyideaofsorts

Every word of this makes me laugh

Been listening to Rihanna’s ‘Shut up and Drive’ and I think, I *think* [conspiratorial side glance] it’s actually about… you know… sex stuff 🤭

See also: Gary Barlow’s tax affairs

Toddler got given a sticker at the end of toddler group yesterday, and he’s very proud of it. Only problem is the word ‘sticker’ - he keeps pointing at it and saying ‘dick.’ Anyway, it’s good to know we’re motivated by the same thing, although in my case it’s not a pronunciation error.

I went to a toddler class today and there was a toddler called Keith

More of an assembly job than a strict #cookjan, but a staple of mine: M&S rosti cakes, roasted asparagus, fried egg, chilli and peanut salsa

I feel like I'm losing my mind. In an era of simultaneously banning or practically banning consensual, adult content and businesses for adults across many platforms while allowing full on non consensual sexual images of adults and children to run rampant.

You're not ready for the name of the energy transition specialist at Heat Pump Association UK

Regrettably the child has inherited my ability to kill a song by listening to it 300 times on repeat, and that it how we have heard Hakuna Matata (‘Tata!’) 8 times already on the Yoto this morning

Guess I'll just head into work while it's -3 degrees shall I like some kind of ARCTIC EXPLORER