Tomorrow is my birthday and it is not too late for you to get me a 1950's style switchblade comb.

you've turned this blanket fort into a house of lies

Gonna try to relax and stop thinking about all of the terrible things in the world for a few hours.

Whenever I watch a video set in Europe I get horny as hell for their affordable and plentiful public transportation options. Yes baby, get on that train, then let me watch you board an overnight ferry without a car 😍

We need to verb more nouns. Like “Sorry I can’t go to your party I’m baked beansing that night.” Or “I totally cunted my way through that job interview.”

Inside you are two hungry hungry hippos. One always wants salty snacks. One always wants sweet. They both lost their marbles.

I feel like all my mental health issues would be solved if I could just spend a few minutes in nature every day and also get a million dollars.

Didn’t get to be a sexy nurse for Halloween so I’m going to be a slutty turkey for Thanksgiving.

I used what money I had to pay most of a car payment from last month and replace the the ignition coils. Turns out that might not be the only car issue and I still can't afford the testing I need done to start my 2nd job. Any amount helps.

Got a jump on Halloween by dressing like a slutty vampire on October 1st and every day since then.

Celebrating hump day by getting fucked every way except the fun sexual ways.

I would never get Botox. I need to be able to aggressively frown at Cybertrucks

I would love you more if you were a worm.

I thought of the FUNNIEST thing to say last night in bed. I've forgotten it but man, real knee slapper

you’re never more than 10 feet away from someone texting “lol” with a completely expressionless face

My kingdom for the kind of unbridled, raucous, soul mending fuck you can’t silence through walls nor shame.

I was really motivated for about thirty minutes there

Wait, FTW means "For The Win" and not "Fuck The World"?? What's next? Are you gonna tell me LMAO doesn't stand for "Leave Me Alone, Ogre"?

Movies and television led me to believe I would encounter more unaccompanied pies cooling on windowsills.

I need new glasses & they’re almost $500, due to the universe blessing me at birth w/ partial blindness. If that’s something you wish to support, you can here. New posts soon but it’s writings, photography, playlists & occasional reminders that you matter. ✨🖤🌻 buymeacoffee.com/thesassiestsemite

I do have a spiritual side. I've seen Ghostbusters, like, ten times.

Love, laugh, lycanthropy

First they came for the extroverts, and I did not speak out because I’m very introverted.

Carpet Dime! Go out there and pick up that loose change from the floor!

I need some extra cash this summer, so for a small fee I will come by with a spray bottle and mist you with cold water every once in a while like you are produce at the grocery store.

Resting Daydreamer Face

"Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today" Him: "You can't say that every month!" {Clutches ovaries} "GASP"

I could never date someone who is much younger than me. I am too tired to learn new slang. I would just be agreeing to anything because I wouldn't know what she was talking about.

There’s a road construction where I live that outlasted 3 of my relationships

I spent the last twenty years telling everyone I am 5'11 because that's what they told me in Army basic training. The nurse just told me I am a little over 6'. My life has been a lie. What have I been missing out on?

[at roller rink] My fanny pack contains 237 marbles, in case I need to create a diversion.

Bring back those conversation pits in living rooms from the 1950's, but put some snakes & spiders in the pits to make the conversations more interesting.

Tiptoe through the tulips only it's flailing through the fuckery.

This has been one of the worst days I've had in a long time. Should I keep acting happy in front of my kids or let them see how sad and stressed I am?

Me at 18: I can do whatever I want!! Me at 50: I can do whatever I want after this nap, 2 extra strength Tylenol and Advil...

what do you mean carving out a space in my chest for you isn’t nonchalant I didn’t even decorate it fr

Pulled a damn muscle while frolicking in a field again.

If my voice sounds funny it's bc I'm speaking directly out of my ass.

The race between a dying vibrator & an orgasm…

Some people clearly don’t remember the give part of take. They just take and take.

How do I feel? Mostly with my hands and sometimes my tongue. Never with my heart.

You know you can rent yourself a bouncy castle any time you want? It doesn't have to be your birthday or anything.

this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade