Right now I’m constantly repeating “Your Best American Girl” by Mitski

Mark Antony: cry ‘Havoc!’ and let slip the dogs of war Baha Men: so it was YOU

5, but I’ll fuck with a 3 if I’m feeling a little kinky

She's like an old samurai whose great battles are behind her but every once in a while she kills a man with piece of paper just to prove a point

so it turns out if you watch star wars with a seven and nine year old, all your star wars takes will fall away. you will find peace, as the pure artistic intent guiding the entire franchise is revealed to you (laser sword go bzzzoooooo)

We’re really sorry we keep apologizing like this. We’re working on it, we swear

The key to getting through life is turning the mundane things into fun little games. Like taking my laxative and my sleeping pill at the same time & seeing which kicks in first

I keep wanting to say “for those who don’t remember the Iraq War…” but then it hits me. This is Bluesky. Everyone on here is old enough to remember the Iraq War.

The same way you don't want people bombing you and your loved ones is the same exact thing that other people feel where they live.

I’m sorry we’re asking “when will the war end?” No we are on still on “what gives you the right to start a war by killing a foreign leader within his own sovereign borders?”

My neighbour told me Kuwaiti air defence keeps eating his F-15s so I asked how many F-15s he had and he told me he just goes and gets another F-15 so I said it sounds like he's just feeding F-15s to Kuwaiti air defence and then his daughter started crying

Mom, come pick me up, the best lack all conviction and the worst are full of passionate intensity.

George Lucas saw it all coming.

Wife: you thinking what I’m thinking? Me: that since the cultural timeline matches the height of Epstein’s influence, the trend of pre-pubescent hairlessness as the female beauty standard came from shadow-influence of rich pedos & now 70s-era bush is gonna make a big comeback? Wife: YES ME TOO

Once you learn how long civilizations had existed in the Americas before European arrival (thousands of years) you are filled with a unique kind of anger knowing there will always be a massive, gaping hole in our species history on this planet because it was destroyed by colonialism/imperialism.

I've seen enough. Clearly this experiment is working. It is time for a Michael C. Jordan.

There’s a Funny Or Die video where the late Lance Reddick makes a threat to his employees of “I will come to your house & shit in places that will leave you confused for the rest of your life” & I have spent as much time trying to unpack this line as some theologians have spent on Bible verses

This is an SNL sketch where the Press Sec comes out, announces the Ayatollah’s death, then every follow-up question about Iran is answered “Well there was this guy who could help, but we accidentally killed him too in the attack.” Only it’s real. That’s what’s really happening. I want off this ride

Glenwood Springs Co. July 1984. photo by Mark Williams. I was apparently working on a song that became Maps & Legends. Thanks Mark!!

Congress doesn't want responsibility. They want to sit around and make stock trades. The American people haven't ever punished them for it.

I guess capitalism does breed innovation, we came up with a whole new market for war profiteering

Sup chat this is Slouching Towards Bethlehem with your boy The Rough Beast, and it looks like today’s stream could be a big one, as some of you might’ve already seen there are rumors going around social media that the hour has come round at last, so we’re gonna get right into it

they blew up a bunch of girls and called it "Operation Epic Fury." I can't say in public what I think should be done about this

A special brand new wood chipper specifically for the prediction market guys separate from the one I’m shoving all the other war profiteers in

Our reality is an Onion-level satire & I believe that is part of the reason we are going mad right now. How is reality both reality and a parody of itself?

There should be an Earth for people who don't hate all living things

The purpose of this website is to help unburden your brain by releasing horrible sentences that live in there like demons

That's an incredible amount of political effort just to persecute 300 members of a disempowered class of people who have done nothing wrong and just want to be left alone to live their lives

Me telling people what Oscar-nominated films they should be watching if they haven’t yet:

Happy 30th birthday to Pokémon. Without it, the greatest Werner Herzog quote of all time would not exist.

So hold up the government is explicitly asking the AI companies to drop all coding safeguards that are, in essence, Assimov’s Laws of Robotics? I want to make a joke about Skynet or HAL but frankly but my complete loss of faith in humanity is really killing my jokes today

“I Never Thought He Would Ask Me To Build Doombots,” said the contractor who builds robots for Doctor Doom

Came across the phrase "cognitive DDOS" to describe our present culture. Understood instantly what it meant.

“Mr Beast related trades” at this point bring back Enron for fucks sake, at least those guys wore suits

I am an A-list and I’m not a fan of this. Only being able to choose shitty seats is not going to get more people to come to the movies. They’ll opt out. I’ve got no issue with first-come first-serve seat choices

Social media has been planned just like casinos. Lose track of time, hard to know where you are, and enough "free" stuff to make it feel like a good time. And just like Vegas, anything more than two days is a problem. I need a help line

We must get Greta Lee her existential astronaut movie. my heart knows this would work. if you don't immediately see the vision, I can't help you.

In the 28 Days Later universe, if NATO decided to airdrop supplies to the survivors they’d have to call the folks flying those missions the Bone Temple Pilots.

Personally I like technology but I understand it as something that 1) Reliably 2) Does something useful. That doesn't seem to be true for these chatbots outside of some limited applications but we're supposed to act like it is and saying otherwise is Luddism

I didn’t watch the State of the Union, I didn’t go on social media, I spent the evening working on the display cabinet for my collection of X-Men action figures & that was a much better use of my time.

Authoritarianism is rising because our democracy was failing before Trump. When pro-democracy forces take back power, we can’t just restore the status quo. We need to change a political system that gives oligarchs a veto over working people. We need a new democracy.

I’m not forgetful, I’m just really good at keeping secrets from myself

just a reminder that you already know everything you need to know about the state of the union and unless you will enjoy watching it there's a million other things you can do. you don't have to be "in the loop." the loop is a trash place to be tbh

This is a very very very obvious point to make but shops and movie rental places and record stores are all more fun than buying things online

Hannibal Face BA Murdock

Peter Venkman Ray Stantz Egon Spengler Winston Zeddmore

who'd he get this time?

Being able to make a meal with what you can find at home is an underrated skill unto itself. Props to you for making that happen

I didn’t know I needed a sketch of Angela Lansbury giving a piggyback ride to an Ewok. But I did.