What a waste of my time and yours

Everyone this man has hired has a name that you would make up in a panic at an improv show.

Absolutely no one that watches soccer in this country feels like this. They're pitching angry racist dorks who don't play or watch sports, let alone a sport that is the most popular everywhere on the planet EXCEPT this country.

The sort of thing you get offered by a guy in a Hold Steady song

We've lost a legend: James Burrows, one of the greatest sitcom directors in TV history, has passed away at the age of 85, per People magazine.

Rage Against the Machine

My 4 year old niece asked my sister what aliens looked like. My sister, a teacher, attempted to give an honest answer. Described classic Grey aliens as a possibility. My niece says “so aliens don’t have hair? And humans do?” My sis replies, “Yes” Then my niece says “except Uncle Bryan.”

I think it’s important to keep talking about children and social media, but I also think that debate is a cover for what these laws are really about: surveilling the entire population online

I will pay a hearty sum to watch anyone with any knowledge of space ask Musk relevant follow up questions on how he plans to “colonize” Mars. How’re you combatting muscle atrophy on the zero-G trip? How’re you taking off from the surface for return trips? How’re you transporting habitat materials?

So they spent $10k at Sherman Williams, stiffed the contractors, and pocketed the remaining $13,990,000 for themselves. Got it.

One thing about the film “Hokum” that still bothers me: the main character’s book series was called The Conquistador Trilogy.” Who, in the year of our lord 2026, wants to read a book - let alone a trilogy of books - where the protagonist is a CONQUISTADOR?

No thanks on the pervert glasses, I”ll visually augment my reality the old fashioned way: LSD

Apparently I misunderstood my wife, “enthusiastic” was his personality in general. Not specific to the subject matter

Egon, we know this is you

They say "don't reinvent the wheel," but we didn't listen! Introducing Wheelbo! It's just like a regular wheel, but for a $14.99 monthly subscription, our app will tell you whether it's turning. Wheelbo. Let's get rolling.

I am. Trying. SO hard. To make this make any sense. I… he… how can… but… if they’re… it doesn’t sense making

(tired and drunk while playing Clue) Fuck I dunno...

there needs to be a coordinated global effort among democracies to destroy this man's financial and social media empires and leave him impoverished and powerless

Thomas Paine in 1776:

>renames it to the Department of War >names himself the Secretary of War >fights one war >loses

WHY WAS THE STRAIT CLOSED WHY WAS THE STRAIT CLOSED, DONALD

When you think about, ultimately, the main difference between Millennials and Gen Z is when we were born

Me to my siblings after spending an afternoon with their kids:

Hold up, like for real here, they stopped making these in 1992????? How did I not know this? I know I rarely eat at McDonald’s but holy fuck for the last 34 years I thought this was a menu option still….

No my imposter syndrome is real, I’m somehow the IT manager for a small company and I have ZERO computer training. No courses, no seminars, no books. Just enough acquired knowledge & dumb luck to inspire trust from management while I literally make this up as I go.

No I didn’t “fumble” a baddie, it was an incomplete pass and quite frankly I think pass interference should have been called

If you see this, we IMPLORE YOU to post a picture from whatever device you're using without explanation.

Well, that was a fucking ride.

THIS IS WHY IF YOU SEE SOMEONE STEALING FOOD OR DIAPERS, NO TF YOU DIDN'T.

Dress for the job you want

it's pretty on the nose for modern american life that a company that doesn't really do anything at all is on track to be the biggest company in america

REPUBLICAN SENATOR: Democrats want you to believe that sending FIVE MILLION DOLLARS of YOUR tax money to MEXICO to “manage” the “Dick Exploding Spider” population is “normal” SAME SENATOR SIX MONTHS LATER: (walking like a saddle-sore cowboy) This is the greatest public health crisis of our lives,

jesus christ NO! NO!!! FUCK

atoms of carbon and calcium and iron and every other little thing, forged in the crucibles of long-dead stars, strewn impossible billions of miles through the vacuum only to assemble themselves into Fucking Stephen Miller. that's got to be a letdown

Nah, let em live. They got good insurance at home.

Since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to be Batman. And now I can safely say I’m as close to being Bruce Wayne as I’ve ever been… but the one from Dark Knight Rises that doesn’t go out, or shave, and limps

Is it carbon monoxide

Every DIY content creator: "Here's how to build <INSERT EXPENSIVE THING> for less!" "First, I got onto my CNC machine and fired up my lathe..."

You ever think about the first humans to have oral sex? Not like historically when did it first happen. I mean the first two. Couple of humans sitting round a fire, one of asks “Hey…. wanna try something?” and LIVES WERE CHANGED. ALL OUR LIVES WERE CHANGED

Jack White is always there for me

15 years ago President Obama joked that Trump would do exactly this to the White House. Obama had his number.

C'mon man, the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it

Omar Little is the physical embodiment of “be gay, do crimes”

You know? Same