peeling a hot dog like a string cheese

It’s an egg. It’s a salad. AND. It’s a sandwich

I speak for the trees when I say gray squirrels are invasive here

guy who synchronizes his farts with his watch’s 5pm alarm

a bar comic

First customer at the bird feeder

Told my PT my long term arm strength goals were to be able to open a pickle jar and he went “heard”

Hot girls love wearing black and picking up and petting their white guinea pig for ample fur extraction

Hey man, are we cool? I noticed a line of candles on the hallway floor lit up automatically in sequence as I approached your door

I don’t like collarbones. They seem fragile

Perplex your local librarian

30 years old and hopelessly trying to understand insurance

Even as an adult you should be scoping out the good water slide spots

Douglas squirrels you really should get more attention

For my third wish I want Mercer Island to only be accessible my light rail. Yes just because I think it would be funny

Hired Pinocchio for the cheer squad for the opposing team for some solid psychological warfare

Bury me with a side of my favorite local teriyaki

It’s a one way street only until the city realizes it’s safer to have two way streets and takes the 5-7 year journey to approve and then reconstruct the streets to be safer for all (this is about Renton making good progress)

What does low blood sugar feel like

Babe wake up they’re putting cucumbers in musubis now

Tremors is a July movie

My wizard sent me the wrong size cauldron but I’ve been using it as a bathtub and just haven’t mentioned it to him yet

Placing an eternal curse on you so that you will always have a snake in your boot

Egg salad sandwich must one of the craziest concepts to learn when learning English as a language

My enzymes have eaten your enzymes for breakfast

I gotta do more research in local queer history actually

For Pride month we are learning. We’re learning that the Compton Cafeteria Riot predated Stonewall.

I was the first to juggle 3 bricks at Stonewall

Chutes and ladders may break my bones but sticks and stones would never hurt me

Going to Trans Pride in the park and will not get dehydrated this time: level impossible

I speak for the trees when I say please get public bathrooms we are tired of being shit on

Choose your Bertha

If you really cared about the trees you’d be advocating for mass transit and denser housing

please can we get a giant hollow wooden horse. no evil intent this time I promise

Be the reason your corner store has to adjust the ordering of a single product (this is about me being addicted to popcorn)

Truth or Dare? Oh dare? Dare you to go downtown every single day there’s a World Cup match.

I asked my coworkers where I can find the best carrot cake in this town and someone wrote Arby’s

pride goeth before i do some cool ass shit i bet

You’re in her DMs while I’m convincing her to delete social media

Kinda like a bear, when you see a Waymo you gotta stand up real tall and make yourself seem bigger to get them to back off

No no. Level 1 is Ga. Level 2 is Goo. I know I know it’s counterintuitive

If I had proper hip rotation my life wouldn’t be much different

*being escorted out of the Olympic Training Facility building by security* I JUST WANTED ALL OF THOSE PACER TESTS TO MEAN SOMETHING

Me shaking her hand: Oh your name is 8ball? What a coincidence they call be 9ball.

My unemployment era was so good that people still invite me to events that happen in the middle of the day sometimes

If you don’t hear from me for a few months it’s because I’m catching up on Sleepy Princess in Demon Castle

without the internet I wouldn’t have known there’s an audience out there for toxic rat yaoi.

I think one of the friend groups was going to try and set me up with their friend who is a drug addict and even more concerning, is a man.

Omg HAGS I’ll never forget you (me to someone who’s name I already forgot )

Structural integrity means nothing to that guinea pig