Contractor: so how'd you want the tits? Perky? Big ole cans? Iowa state legislature: the what Contractor: me and the boys was thinking perky Iowa state legislature: this is for the war dead? Contractor: okay writin' that down as perky

A crisp £5 note to the first journalist to ask Kemi Badenoch if she has a humiliation kink

all discourse aside, there is one machine with consciousness. it's printers. they are alive and conscious and they hate you and they'd take your arm clean off if you let them. never trust a printer.

This entire collection was a lesson in what not to do to crotches

that's not a very nice way to refer to London museums

An unusual view of The Oval showing painters high on Gasometer No.1 during the 1931 New Zealand Test. Originally New Zealand has been given only one Test but "their good form and sportsmanship" led to extra games being added at The Oval and Old Trafford

Amazon have removed the guns from their Bond posters, giving the tantalising impression that Sean Connery and Pierce Brosnan think you’re a wanker.

Wait why I am only just hearing about them being “close friends?”

I swear to God I am only an import but I am willing to fight people over this.

we have gone from a world in which we were told not to cite wikipedia because it was unreliable to a world where wikipedia might be the only reliable source left on the internet and we all owe a lot to the pedantic nerds who got us there

NOT NOW, RING WITH RARE INSCRIPTION FOUND IN NORTH NORFOLK FIELD

This is the point where we start panicking, right?

I mean, try issuing something called a Brit Card to most of the population of Derry. Go on, I fucking dare you.

Relishing the warmth of the hot tub . The luxury ! Thank you @GP_wildlife for today's #FoxOfTheDay

the rapture was just an attempt by Big Erasure to distract us all from visible bisexuals today

Sending off Jessika on Bi Day feels like a hate crime #GBBO

Well, he's dead Paul. #gbbo #BakeOff

Prue, no one has time to make their own hundreds and thousands. Honest to god. #GBBO

I wish they'd stop this weird psyop to try to convince us Paul Hollywood is sexually attractive #GBBO

screaming "coloured sprinkles have existed since the 18th century and been sold in shops since before World War 1" from the rooftops. #gbbo #BakeOff

If Jessika leaves this week, I will absolutely riot #GBBO

I want to see everyone faces when Nataliia initially showed up with plans of making a knuckle duster and bloody hoop earrings #gbbo #BakeOff

imagine if a family of beavers randomly showed up right now and finished whatever thing you've been putting off

I know outlets are trying to more with less but what? This is such a weird idea

*sniffles*. The weans are definitely back to school. My first autumnal set of sniffles has hit like clockwork. It’s a good thing they’re cute.

I enjoy that Maisie Adam always looks a bit like one of those weird little guys drawn in the margins of medieval manuscripts #Taskmaster

Any of the finalists would have been a worthy winner but absolutely nicked in the showstopper round. (Possibly the best way) but some absolutely mad concepts there #SewingBee

Back on my Taskmaster nonsense with @fraggleshock.bsky.social @magicatmungos.bsky.social and @stevenperkins.bsky.social, please listen to my fatigued ramblings with my pals 😂 bsky.app/profile/keep...

imagine getting qt dunked by ed davey. unrecoverable. you’re furious and he is serenely going down a log flume in bognor regis.

this celebrity OnlyFans trend needs to stop

Customer feedback this week; ‘Please can you get some more diversity at the National Trust by encouraging more hot men to visit.’ Ideas for how we do this v welcome. Nothing too racy please - we are the National Trust not the National Tryst.

Are your sheep always turning up late for work? Are they taking too long on their lunch break or simply struggling to get through the workload? Are they always just mucking about? Then you need some

You know when a famous person dies and you're surprised because you'd assumed they must already be dead? That, but for Nadine Dorries defecting to Reform.

Did you used to make LiveJournal icons? Do you still have some of the ones that you made? I'm looking to include more icons in the second print run of my LiveJournal Iconic zine and would love to see yours! Share them here: form.jotform.com/252444103676...

Jesus Christ. I feel so stupid by thinking that he might have ever been a better option.

Sigh. "The legacy sewing pattern brands Simplicity, Butterick, McCalls, and Vogue, commonly referred to as the Big 4, have been sold to a liquidator." craftindustryalliance.org/parent-compa...

Does this woman have anyone around her who actually likes her and can tell her to occasionally shut up?

A small piece of my heart will always belong to Alanna.

Imagine having no plans for the weekend and most of the world agrees to declare you dead because you’re such a piece of shit

Frimpong making me have to take a minus 4 in GW2 THEN Cole Palmer goes and fucks himself in the warm up. The barest glimmer I have at the moment is that he wasn’t my captain

Ankimon, a monkfish bathing in a bowl of soup, is the mascot of Kazamiura, a village in Aomori, Japan.

It's Butch Appreciation Day today apparently. Please appreciate the butches in your life, let them carry something heavy for you and walk you home before leaving out a saucer of beer.

How is it so many offspring of people are relatively sound turn out being awful (see Glenda Jackson for starters)

[seeing the four harbingers of the apocalypse out my window while driving] oh horsies

And Sanderson was right there on the stage. Wtf is wrong with people? There’s ways and means of asking when the next book is coming and it’s not by leading “so you’re going to be dead soon, any chance of something before then?”

This is true, but sometimes you're ignoring a drug deal, and then they wanna know about your enormous poster bag and wanna talk about art. Guess what? You sometimes talk about art with drug dealers in the city, and that's called getting to know your neighbor.

It’s all kicking off in Seville about botched restorations

"I have not succumbed to the urge to fill my pockets with rocks and walk into the Pacific but it is increasingly looking like a rational response to the state of things" should be an acceptable response when people open a meeting with "how's everybody doing today?"

Dan's entire life led to making this slutty Fantastic 4 costume. Good for him. #SewingBee