Sorry to be overly sincere for a second, but here's why we decided to persevere through all of the bullshit and take over InfoWars. There's just gotta be a line somewhere. Thank you @pablo.show for letting me talk so openly about this.

With the help of the Sandy Hook families, The Onion has reached a long-awaited deal to take over InfoWars. We've enlisted the help of @timheidecker.bsky.social, who will be InfoWars' Creative Director. Please stand by for more.

WATCH: Researchers at Stanford University modeled how many people could die or be disabled in 25 years if vaccines for polio, measles, rubella or diphtheria were no longer available.

At a wedding in Aguadilla and there’s a kid fully passed out across two folding chairs as if it was an intentional recreation of the scene that paid tribute to the phenomenon in the Bad Bunny Super Bowl halftime show. 11/10 no notes.

Trump is clearly not fit to serve. That’s why I am co-sponsoring a 25th Amendment bill with @raskin.house.gov. Our country cannot afford having a madman in power.

Spoilers for desi republicans, who have (I presume) not looked back to history from 100 years ago: this ends with a noose around your necks. Best of luck!

palantir should be viewed as the enemy of modern society

Myki Meeks needs to join the cast of Six NOW

If there are any Democrats who are thinking of running for the presidency on 2028 on anything less than a clear agenda of widespread prosecution for this administration's corruption and fundamental structural changes to ensure it can't happen again, they should just stop right there.

A) we don't own anything now B) the stuff we don't own doesn't work and can be taken away at a moments notice

BREAKING: The House of Representatives passed a bill that will provide a 3-year period of protection and work authorization to Haitians, after the Trump administration illegally terminated Temporary Protected Status for thousands of our loved ones and neighbors who fled Haiti.

💁🏾‍♂️💁🏾‍♂️💁🏾‍♂️

There is truly no more satisfying power as an adult than being able to go online and buy a toy that you weren’t able to buy when you were a kid

[shocked pikachu.jpeg]

Not to be dramatic! But if you saunter through the subway station while reading your phone and blocking people who are in a hurry, you should, at the bare minimum, roast in Hell for all eternity

i can't stop thinking about jd vance laysplaining st augustine to the pope

Gonna be a lot of people whose last words are "Is...that...Nicole Kidman?!"

I suspect the Pope sounds "woke" to many Christian conservatives because the US is steeped in prosperity theology, where the point of worship is to deliver health and wealth to believers. Thus, "feed the hungry" and "show mercy for the poor" sounds needlessly political and "woke."

Wild that Altman is being sued by his sister for repeated sexual abuse and that doesn’t come up in basically every conversation about him. I get that it’s alleged but if that shit was happening to someone else I feel like that would come up, particularly if that person had a history of lying a lot.

It's a banger skeet that went 10/10 in my house.

Speaking of reading…

Here she is at the March on Washington wearing her Resistance medals, incredible flex

no one is doing it like jd vance, a loser across three continents in a single weekend

What the Hungarian election is showing (other than Hungarians being done with Orban obviously) is that Trump is EXTREMELY unpopular internationally, especially now. He’s the ugliest possible avatar for the far-right project, and his endorsements are gonna start being kisses of death.

JUST IN: Viktor Orban conceded his defeat in Hungary. The far-right leader & Trump ally will no longer be prime minister. What remains to be seen is the size of his defeat — and whether the opposition wins a supermajority to amend the constitution and reverse Orban’s rule.

the funny thing about sending jd vance out to do sensitive diplomatic negotiations is he has literally no experience. like, none whatsoever. he doesn't even have related experience in lawmaking or some executive role.

I wonder what could have happened recently that would make Iran want materials to build nuclear weapons

Is the fact that the Iran war wasn’t congressionally authorized something we no longer talk about? Seems like the reporting/discussion now just assumes that Trump can just do whatever he wants wrt the use of force

Speaking of reading…

We fought and lost a war in Iran so that both the Iranians and the Russians could make far more money from oil—the Iranians from tolls, the Russians from higher prices and the end of sanctions. That isn’t just strategic defeat; it’s self-destructive foolishness at a level unknown to military history

Snakes don't have arms so fair

One of the most brazenly corrupt events in history will take place tomorrow when Jared Kushner represents the U.S. in critical negotiations with Iran to end the war while he accepts millions in fees (and billions in investments) from the Saudi gov’t which has been lobbying Trump to continue the war

I keep thinking I see Roger Stone, but I’m just in South Florida and every man looks like that

It’s hard to overstate how much of this moment is driven by people who got a taste of accountability and were very, very mad about it.

Where is Renee Good's killer, Jonathan Ross? Where are Alex Pretti's killers, Jesus Ochoa and Raymundo Gutierrez? Who killed Ruben Ray Martinez? Who killed Silverio Villegas González?

I know I'm far from the first to post this, but: man, the burning gall of paying one's taxes today, after being openly told exactly what kind of sicko genocidal schemes they will be used to fund. Really? You want me to tally up what I owe you right now?

all these universities kept axing medieval history departments as if they thought tyrants beefing with the Pope was going to stop being relevant

"Other countries are our property, and we dictate their behavior. You know, like women in marriage."

ALT. Steven Soderbergh teases "a lot of stolen work from artists I will not be paying" in his upcoming movies

Donald Trump must be removed from office for threatening war crimes and genocide. Speaker Johnson: bring the House back into session. Invoking the 25th Amendment and impeachment must be on the table, but Congress should also move on a War Powers resolution to stop Trump.

NEW — Iran had already presented a 10-point plan. Then Trump wakes up today and threatens to blow up Iran's "whole civilization" if they don't bend. And then, just an hour before his deadline, he announces a ceasefire, citing Iran's "workable" 10-point plan.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

We are terrorizing an entire country. www.wsj.com/world/middle...

I'm worried. I sat with things for a bit today to try and see through the immediate fears, but I still land largely here: there's no obvious offramp, and the men behind it are not of a caliber which allows for humiliation. Does that automatically mean nuclear use? No, but… we should be serious. 1/x

The thing about there needing to be a path of redemption for people who have been “canceled” is: there already is a path to redemption and it’s called “redeeming yourself.” The path is open! No one is blocking that! You just have to do it!

ICE has kept a disabled double amputee prisoner for over 14 months. Rodney Taylor has been denied access to his prosthetic legs. Forced to crawl across dirty floors to access food. Placed in solitary. Denied medical accommodations. They’re killing him & he needs the community to make noise!

CBS’s excuse for why it killed the investigation into CECOT was that it wasn’t original and news-distinctive enough.

I just want you to remember that I said this. Tomorrow.

Here’s a good rule of thumb when it comes to spoiling movies: Would it have bothered you to know the detail in question before you saw the movie? If so, then don’t tell someone about it!