repeating a joke a male coworker said because no one heard him and then getting more laughs ✨women in male fields✨

“the best life future wife don’t give him a knife”

i was told the hockey players would kiss?

It feels like someone has my nerves in a jar and they’re shaking it how are you doing

they should invent a vape pen but it delivers unagi sashimi

get your head out of your boobs

sometimes I forget who the fuck I am

sure it’s big enough, BUT look at the location

the fact that my (natural) red hair caused a full crash out is deeply entertaining and objectively hilarious behavior

Wishing a meaningful & reflective Mark Wahlberg 40 Day Challenge to all who observe.

you’re washed up irrelevant and standing in my light

When someone tells me how old their child is I say "that's such a fun age" even if it's 37

skin cancer is a bummer but at least they put you in an upgraded waiting room with snacks and drinks

ATTENTION: If You Watched Kid Rock at the Turning Point USA Half-Time Show, You May Have Been Exposed to Measles

someone asked my son what we’re doing for the superbowl and he said, “what’s a superbowl?” i couldn’t be prouder

OK "god bless america" and then naming every country in the americas from south to north is absolute king shit

apologies, my good bitch, but what seems to be the fuck?

“it’s like a sunroof for your penis” - @kiixlyn.bsky.social

when i die i don’t want to be buried or cremated, i want to be pickled

I support all men 's right to shut the fuck up

looking for a new bf because mine learned and stole my scrabble strategy and is now using it against me to WIN ALL THE GAMES

Abolish ICE. There’s no reforming it. There’s no compromise. There’s only one way to rein in ICE’s terror campaign. Abolish it.

according to my 4 y/o, it was hedgehog day yesterday and if it sees its shadow we get 6 more weeks of christmas

when you’re exhausted and a 5-year-old wants to show you his new monster trucks

if yelling “kiss” during the knight battles at medieval times is wrong, i don’t want to be right

crossplay is so much fun, but the nyt dictionary is wack

when do all lives start mattering? just curious

i don’t want to sound like a bitch but fuck this

better get to sleep so I can wake up and increase shareholder value while my country actively burns down

it’s cool that noem and goebbels share a diphthong

I guess I do think if you participated in the arrest of a five-year-old you are probably just fundamentally incompatible with society. That you are not a safe person for humanity to be around, generally

Choosy moms choose dick

Thinking about all the years of my life wasted, just not knowing about chili crisp, and it infuriates me

cause of death: trying to outpizza the hut

i eat biscuits and gravy the same way michael rapaport eats whatever the fuck he was eating

“it looks like a hairless cat but not creepy” - @thefiresermon.bsky.social describing a tree

k gn can't wait to see what fresh horrors tomorrow brings

kids, not to get too radical here but i don’t want my govt to murder me

You and your wife drop your 6-year-old off at school. You just moved here. You see ICE terrorizing your new neighbors. You film them, as is your legal right. Your wife complies with orders. She is then shot in the head. You still have to pick up your child later today. This could be you.

omg everything is so awful go get a library card and kiss a dog

manifesting a big, beautiful obituary in 2026

go ahead and kill me can’t get much stronger

i’m absolutely itching to get the elbow ditch on my non-sleeve arm tattooed but i know i’m going to hate myself for it in the moment

it’s 4:30pm and 75 degrees, the sun is still out, and my son and i are swimming in the hot tub you couldn’t pay me to live in a cold climate

I love romance novels but I’m also a hater. The duality of man

christmas breakfast in bed from my love ♥️

GO GET YOUR FLU SHOT i’m on the 7th day of flu A and still can’t keep anything down. don’t be a dummy like me and forget to get a flu shot. i promise you will regret it.

last christmas i gave you my heart. this christmas i’m giving you my power of attorney.