I just saw a Cybertruck with a “VONEGUT” vanity license plate. You can’t make this shit up.

YOU COULD PERHAPS HAVE LED WITH THE MOVIE PART

baseball is the best preparation for death because it does not come with a clock that tells you when your suffering will end one way or the other

I think I want a partner and then I go to shows and watch couples be inseparable and the guys being overly aggressive/protective of their girlfriends and I’m instantly cured.

It took a few beers but now I’m going to Asheville for a wedding and some beers.

Bluesky is basically a public record of your mental breakdown

lol we’re gonna end up reclaiming Pepe the Frog for democratic protest like they did in Hong Kong

This is a basically an ad in the making for Tex Mex restaurants.

First game of the season and immediately my mood improved. I love hockey.

it is imperative that we get Joe Flacco at least one start on the 2026 Steelers so he can complete the AFC North set

My solution was to immediately pop an edible in my mouth. Healthy coping mechanisms.

The idea of my own mortality has been keeping me up at night lately.

Friend: I found your doppelganger *shows you picture of the worst looking person you've ever seen in your life*

I do not regret to inform you that we are going to win

It’s that time of year where I’m counting down the seconds to the first games of the NHL season. So I can blame my emotional instability on the Bruins and not my own making 🙃

Greg Olsen is my least favorite part of Sundays

I’m always disappointed when I hear about a new TS album and it turns out it’s not actually by TS Eliot.

she had her three pubes out on daytime tv

farting soberly

“Now why am I in it” Chuck E Cheese edition:

It’s midnight, which means Trump’s government just ran out of money. Our entire government is shut down because Republicans in power refuse to lower health care costs.

Several official communications to federal employees directly blamed Democrats for the looming shutdown. A mass email circulated across agencies told workers that “Democrats are blocking this continuing resolution,” while a

Could go for a cuddle tonight.

I believe the correct term is "Iceholes".

Anyway, here is a full minute of Meghan McCain saying “my father.”

BREAKING NEWS: TYLENOL RESEARCHERS FIND DISTURBING LINK BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN

Go off queen, we should never have to endure another Lalas broadcast.

A hot dog could cure me right now.

Good morning to the playoff bound Seattle Mariners and no one else. Except maybe the Etsy witch.

Real talk, do men want women that are not motivated and don’t have their own lives? I’m so tired of dating and everyone telling me how great I am and then deciding that I’m not worth pursuing further. So it’s led me to think I’m not that great after all.

checking in with a friend on current events

I might regret posting this tomorrow but....Harbaugh?

When I used to sing along to smash mouth saying “the days keep coming and they don’t stop coming” I really was not prepared for what that actually meant

That announcement could’ve been an obituary.

Everything I've seen about Democrats' version of Project 2029 is far too modest and weak-kneed. Democrats need to look at the precedents Trump is setting (and shattering) and figure out how a progressive can maximally wield the power that this administration is concentrating in the executive branch.

The next Democratic president should declare that the National Emergencies Act and Article II of the Constitution allow him to: •admit D.C. and Puerto Rico as states •abolish ICE •grant citizenship to any immigrant •disband the 5th Circuit •expand the Supreme Court Seriously: Why the hell not?

I think the only reason I’m on Hinge at this point is to remind myself that I’m so much better off single.

A friend took this at a rally today and I barked laughing.

Pining after someone who isn’t interested in you is a hell of a drug i will admit.

here's the thing, don't feel bad about enjoying this moment because if he is still alive, he is now watching literally the entirety of the english speaking globe celebrating and laughing at the thought of him dying, and THAT is worth it alone

RFK Jr looks like he’s been sampling the diseases at the CDC

I don’t know when It Will Happen, but I do know it’s going to be extremely funny

RFK Jr look like his skull is filled with clamato juice

Everyone on Bluesky is poised like we're waiting for the DVD logo to hit the corner of the screen

Here’s how I feel about The Rumor. I’m taking it seriously enough to scour social media. But I’m not taking it seriously enough to text any friends who might be sleeping to ask them about it.

Live your life such that everyone doesn’t spend ten solid years planning the rager they’re going to throw when you die.

If you’re charging $200/hour for a tattoo you better not be pulling some wobbly ass, blown out lines. I don’t give a shit how viral your drawings are.