I am not the actual president srry

me: professor x: yes, i can read minds me: professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chipmunks alludes to he himself not being one

we will win

Post: Damn, salt really does make everything better 😂 Reply: Really. What about the death of a loved one

if youre having trouble making friends as an adult try going in the woods on a moonless night

A salted mackerel is only $4 at hmart and you can just cook it in the oven and siri says it’s good for you

Minecraft....

the cellular device might just change everything

here's my 128-page dissertation on how eating bread until there's no more room to breathe can temporarily cure grief

I feel creatively stagnant, I should cut off another toe

When you have the brain of a dog

Me: and you’ll write anything on the cake? Baker: yeah pretty much Me: write “I love…” [I look over my shoulder to make sure the coast is clear] Me: write “I love kissing” The baker blushes but he doesn’t say no. We both feel like we’re crossing a barrier. Like we’re creating a new world.

Sorry, babe, it's over. *I get on my motorcycle but I can't get it to start so I use my feet to scoot away*

Hey nerd, the 1820s called. I don't know how

i think that everyone who plays or watches sports should be sent to prison

Me!! On this freakin’ app!!!

hitting my enemies with a death ray (the experience of linear time)

they’re making jaking off illegal

Don’t really understand the backlash on here to those guys who are going to use AI to write 8000 books considering how you all seem to love my incoherent slop

Introducing the Bluesky Tech Minute, a minute-long show hosted by yours truly in which I take you through the ins and outs of the day’s tech news. Find out all about the latest developments in the tech sector – and what they mean for you as a consumer:

Sometimes I look at the art on my walls and think about how the idea of art may be older than the idea of walls.

america has a rich and storied history stretching back as many as 50 or 60 years

Bluesky needs a drafts function so I can rapidfire stream of consciousness ideas in a dazed state after immediately waking up, and then look over them later to see if I had any bangers.

Donkey Kong, the ape from the video game, has died

oh boy here comes midnight! every one else ready to kiss your cats mouth? only once chance a day!

Had to pause in the fifth minute of plunging the tub drain to retrieve a gold plastic coin to reassure my sobbing four-year-old that she didn’t have to worry about the “people who work in the sewer” “finding out”

[me, working as weekend manager at the Taco Bell in Butner and instituting mandatory Saturday morning meetings] We don’t have a customer base. We have a flavor base

I'm about to eat my first ever footlong sandwich

Time to bust out the ol' "voice I never knew I could do" again. Sound editing was done at rapid speeds by the legendary @ganglemanva.bsky.social. #madmaxfuryroad #ImmortanJoe

grilled cheese and tomato soup. like if u agree

LIBERAL: LOL. Imagine if Hitler was trans. He’d be even worse LIBERAL: (after one gently-worded bit of pushback) Throughout history, comedy has been an important tool in the delegitimization of authoritarian regimes [1]. Even in the depths of the Warsaw Ghetto [2], humor played a significant role in

Dude, here’s a Mario wallpaper for your desktop computer.

we're doing WHAT to furries??

HUMAN: you can talk?why didnt you speak before? BEAR: I dont know many english roards HUMAN: omg theyre called words lol

okay everyone act chill & normal, our crushes are starting to join bluesky. let’s not fuck this up

There should be a job where you are a tiny 3 inch tall naked man in the forest who drinks dewdrops off leaves

hello everyone! i am steve jobs, president of the macintosh computer company. i will be awarding a 10 billion dollar prize to whoever can post the greatest bluesky post of all

as someone who doesn’t follow soccer, i’m getting a little annoyed by all the soccer posts i see on here. everything i don’t personally enjoy should be destroyed

bought a used grandmother this week

Whenever I’m watching a movie and I see a wife next to some sheets on a clothesline blowing in the wind, I know she’s not long for this cinematic world.

Everybody's been so negative since I ruined everything for everyone.

Fact.

Here are some nice mushrooms

bug fact: grashoppers already existed at least 100 million years before the first grass

God to the people building the tower of babel