For the love of Christ and all that is holy, bring more underwear

"And soeth, they put the lime in the coconut"

awake but at what cost

I have tried living "in the moment;" I would like to select a different, funner moment

Forgot the word for beermat so asked for a coaster and now I've been voted the most splendid little fancyman in the whole pub.

Streamlining

🎶look straight ahead nothing but...🎶

🎶 look all around you there's nothing but....🎶

me: ever since I can remember, I’ve been singing “with your arms and legs wrapped round my shoulders” without ever wondering how someone could drive a car like that priest: okay that’s weird but again, not a sin

Americans: "Ooooh look at me, I have to do my taxes now" 😉😆✌️

Not a cop are ya Donnie?

Sorry boss, running late, the bridge troll won't let me pass until I answer him his riddles three... yeah no I tried that already, obviously I tried that. the boy's father actually died in the accident. Surgeon's just being a dickhead I think.

[at the grocery store] cashier: paper or plastic? me: holds up my hands cupped just give it to me cashier: sir, it's 47 items me: nods i'm strong

It's bad...

Cú chulainn

Grey wolf

Not real but also perfection

oh you make content? name three people you've made content.

(I think Carl's just murdered Bigfoot - but don't tell anybody)

et tu, bestie?

This is Sadie. She was finally reunited with her human, astronaut Christina Koch, after her mom’s voyage around the moon took her the furthest any human has ever been from their dog. She can't wait to hear all about the universe. 14/10 (IG: astro_christina)

"I wasn't planning on using it your honour"

Current status of the Strait of Hormuz dispute

[Stranded on a desert island] Day 23: Found a bottle. Might be an opportunity to contact outsiders. Day 24: My plan to show outsiders my cool rock collection has hit a snag

This is what qt is for.

So close...

Have we officially discussed Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here as Bluesky's theme song because "So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, blue skies from pain" is like the entire reason this site exists

Saturday

I feel bad for the astronauts having to come back

in negotiations to stop the spiders that crawl into my mouth at night, i have agreed to let the spiders continue to crawl into my mouth at night. i will also pay them ten dollars

😭 😂😂

What do you mean funyuns aren't money?

Open the Fuckin’ Chick-fil-A, you crazy bastards, or you’ll be living in Hell

It makes sense to me. 🤔

I could almost . . . call them c*te . . . Thank you to Mike Fenton Photography for this morning's #FoxOfTheDay

GOOD Friday!

Oh no! 😯

Do NOT try this at home

earth: hey just fyi they are shooting for you down here the moon: what earth: yeah it’s like a thing with the humans, they are constantly shooting for you the moon: is this why that cow came up here

Listen, all I'm saying is, I would definitely go see that movie.....

Some sad news today. My Lord Of The Rings spin-off series 'FrodoCop' has been rejected by literally everyone.

me: there are chords in the hearts of the most reckless which cannot be touched without emotion, even by the utterly lost, to whom life and death are equally jests, there are matters of which no jest can be made. them: 😭 me: *sagely nods*

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

putting shots of an immaculately clean lint trap on insta

🐈 New comic: You Have Cats?🐈

I was driving my date to her house and told her that I wasn’t good with directions; she just laughed at me... So I right her left there.