My memoir, A Mind Of My Own is now available in paperback which means it’s cheaper. Hurrah! If you’d like a dedicated copy repost this and I’ll do a random pick of five winners in the next couple of days. If you’ve already bought/read or listened to the audible version thank you! ♥️📚

Coincidentally thrown at me by FB just now, utterly terrifying

Greenland 2: It starts off with a monologue from Gerald Butler -where he sounds like he's being forced at gunpoint to do a eulogy for a tortoise he didn't actually know. It goes downhill from there. #bengtmovieclub

Thursday

My drafts folder:

(probably should put the phone down and get off to bed eh?) Night!

Well I'm vaaahaaaannn for sorroooow, Ain't it two two bad. Ah ah ah ah ah ah

Still makes me roar 😂

Both daughters have school proms coming up and I have been told the dresses they want

A picture that captures your essence.

I regret to inform you that LinkedIn has political views.

I once crushed the end of my finger in John Lewis when I didn't properly assess the weight of a massive Le Creuset pot #Middleclassinjuries

Listen to the man with the hat

Feeling slightly better today but...gah! Seem to be fine and then concentration just drops off a cliff and need to sleep. Getting there

So then this just happened. Wee boy calf for Caitlin. Welcome to the fold, Oscar!

Jaw dropping!

......

There has been an ironing board with a jacket over it propped against a wall downstairs for a week now and EVERY PISSING TIME I forget it's there and let out a little yelp when I walk past and see it out the side of my eye.

Did he leave him a loan? (Look, piss off ok?)

I remember telling a junior member of staff to go and meet someone at reception. "You can't miss her, she looks like Amy Winehouse" "Who?" A whole conversation was started about "the 27 club" where my mentions of curt Cobain and Jim Morrison were just met with blank stares.

The street WhatsApp group has a long message from twatty neighbours (who are moving out) about how they will miss everyone!

Cleaning out the fridge

Jun 3rd 2122 - The Nostromo revives it's crew from hypersleep early, to answer a distress call coming from LV-426. 📽️📅 Alien (1979)

Life goals in the 80's

Can I work remotely?

The fridge is called Cerys. I won't go into the exact reasons why, but when the alarm goes off after door is open for 30s there is a lot of satisfaction shouting the phrase "Shut up, Cerys!!"

Squally is a very satisfying word and it describes today's weather perfectly

Text on a tenner as follows: "I promise to pay the bearer on demand the sum of ten pounds, Ten Pounds!! Oh Jesus Christ. TEN POUUNNNDDSSS!!!"

Put. Fenton. On. The. Banknotes.

Managed a few hours coding work this morning and then some very light housework and I am now done in 😴 I know I'm getting better every day but it's frustrating. This does not bode well for walking a big chunk of the South West coast path* in a month's time *The salty (socio) path

Wednesday

The yelp I yelped at this bit!

It smol me

Deleted that post. Sorry

Tired of all of it tbh

Got what it takes, my wife. Got friends around. Got roast pork for lunch.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Heroes in a halfshell Turtle power!

Tuesday

Trying to finish off Widows Bay. Finally got to the "Fuck you" "Fuck you?" "Yeah, fuck you" "No, fuck YOU" bit and it took me at least 5 minutes to compose myself 😭

Brand Manager getting ready for Pride Month

Ok. That's enough for today. 4 weeks later and I am only 1h 8m into this movie. When I switch it off I get a picture of Harrison Ford selling Glenmorangie on the fire stick menu screen - he's still managing to out act everyone in this steaming velociraptor turd.

Greenland 2. You can't stop watching because it somehow keeps getting worse. Like a foggy motorway pile up of fuzzy felt animals.

"See, the thing I like about him, he speaks his mind and he'll watch out for us" Nah - you're either wilfully blind to years of evidence or you just hope people you don't like get it worse than you.

110 replies (and mostly nice ones) from people I don't know under a mediocre post & picture of pasta sauce. I can't figure the world out, tbh

What a time to be alive 🫠

This Vice headline is just missing the Top of the Pops hashtag…

As long as they don't look you dead in the eye

Makes me chuckle when I read an article from a new parent about how they "can't wait to guide their child through life" or "will never say 'because I said so' " The very same people that will be thrusting an iPad in their crotch goblin's paws after getting sick of being asked "can dogs eat jam?"

Monday