Seeing they've brought back Mock the Week is like hearing about the extinct diseases that are going round again.

EXT: Day. The grave of Noel Edmonds. A figure lies face down in the freshly dug soil, sobbing inconsolably. CAPTION: GREYFRIARS BLOBBY.

When your dad's just told you he's signed power of attorney over to the woman from the alternative therapy shop.

My phone signal seems to have disappeared right before my usual parental call. Almost reduced to holding it in the air like it's 1998 or something.

At what point do UK government services and public bodies say "enough is enough" with using the fascist Musk's social media platform?

Be easier to use your hands, surely?

*Academic sells history off to the highest bidder* There, BBC, we sorted that headline for you If he truly feels *a connection* to the find, as the article claims, would he not have donated it to a museum? www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

I'll wuther *your* heights in a minute!

I don't know why I did this.

Your boyfriend's kids have stood him up at the fortnightly access trip to Pizza Hut again.

Back on Inspector Morse, and Lyn Turtle from A Very Peculiar Practice has turned up as his new pathologist. Shared universe confirmed.

The fact that Lyse Douchet's salary is lower than Mason's or Kuenssberg's shames the BBC.

So much of our present crisis is coddled, ignorant, and short sighted people tearing down the institutions that protect them because they don’t understand that bad things can happen.

Tonight's movie. Should be a harrowing one.

I could fix her, but she's already perfect.

The best thing about the #Gladiators opening titles is you can do your big shop, go for a haircut and sort out your taxes for the fiscal year before they're done.

This was where we used to go when we were bunking off school.

Takeaway curry, lads

Starting a McCartney-style conspiracy that someone has replaced the Scotland team #TheRugby

rest in peace

Been out and trimmed me conifers #NotAEuphemism

i often think about this review

Newsreader on Classic FM keeps saying 'adaption' instead of 'adaptation'. He used the American pronunciation of 'lieutenant' the other day, too. No wonder the country's in the toilet.

Turns out piss beer from an irredeemable arsehole isn't a sustainable business model. Oh well.

What my bills see when I'm trying to check if it's a Valentine's day card

Remembering my friend who once planned a meal out without realising it was Valentine's Day, only for her friend to get stuck in traffic and her to be left sitting in the restaurant for an hour with everyone thinking she'd been stood up 😬

You may laugh, but the Macbeths are a much better role model for a marriage than Romeo and Juliet. They discuss their problems (killing the king of Scotland), share their hobbies (killing the king of Scotland), and resolve their conflicts (by killing the king of Scotland).

Weak

At least a multi-week number one means I can knock off early #totp

Just remembering that some people had Eminem pegged as a Bart Simpson styled novelty act at first. Unjustified and wrongheaded, but... you can kind of hear it on this live version. #totp

A white rapper? We won't be seeing him again #totp

COMPETITION TIME: Name the members of Catatonia. I'll give you one to start, the singer is Cerys #totp

GWYNEDD, WHAT IN SWANSEA IS YOU DOING? #totp

IT'S YOUR LETTERS, IT'S YOUR LETTERS! #totp

Mate, we spend our Fridays doing this. Don't open that Pandora's box. #TOTP

Phats and Small is what Little and Large were known as in France #totp

Karaoke night at the young offenders' institution. #TOTP

Evergreen post #totp

Dull episode. So here's Jayne and Jamie doing the X-Files. #totp

Hahahahafuck off #totp

No wonder they got Andi Peters to euthanise this show #totp

Do all the artists have restraining orders against the hosts, or what? #totp

This certainly showed Courtney Love and Marilyn Manson. #TOTP

There'll be no Jayne, I'll go and tell the dads #TOTP

The lass on bongos, though #totp

Still can't believe Mills has the Wogan slot on Radio 2. There must still be people who think he's filling in #totp

Cheers, he's crying now. Nice one! #TOTP

Always like the shot of the audience watching it on telly #totp