This Trump press conference on autism.

Me on the way to the rapture.

STOP!... Rapture Time!

Jimmy Kimmel show being brought back... This is where Trump dumps the autism press conference and uses it to make Disney a prescribed organisation.

Has everyone left out some milk and cookies for Father Rapture?

Tomorrow when the rapture hits.

*St Peter on Rapture Day* Welcome to heaven! You are the most bless...wait a minute... are those crocs on your feet. No. You can't come in mate.

I'm here! What was that..."Rapture"? Oh, sorry. My bad.

Waiting for the rapture.

"What? It's the rapture tomorrow?" *Quickly deletes Internet browsing history*

Hairdressers need to limber up before using their hair straighteners to avoid getting crimp. #LunchPun

This rumour about my cocaine habit... can we all just draw a line under it?

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Awesome: An alternative amount.

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Coq au Vin: The best fighter on the front seat of a Transit.

Dewsbury-Hall took that free-kick before the ref was ready - surely Everton should be deducted 9 points? #LIVEVE

I asked for one of those Rough Guide's at the bookstore and a Brownie jumped out and kicked my head in.

Dutch late night TV has its take

Calling Mr Vane. #TOTP

Changed her name to Belinda Carlisle when the marketing people though Belinda Penrith was too niche. #TOTP

Pliers needs to get a grip! #TOTP

Who let your dad on the karaoke? #TOTP

It's no <insert famous Lenny Kravitz song here> is it? #TOTP

Mini Apple Piss is what you have after a can of Kopparberg. #TOTP

All houses in the eighties had a chair like this. #TOTP

Creep is a downbeat version of Teenage Dirtbag...without the Iron Maiden concert happy ending. #TOTP

Radiohead killing the mood stone dead. #TOTP

🎶🎵 Go West! 🎶🎵 #TOTP

Cut me a heart on a tree and say... Aorta'nt have done that. #TOTP

Loved Peter Cetera but preferred his brother "Et". #TOTP

Cameo Toe. #TOTP

Bruce Hornsby and the Range... singing iconic tunes and selling a selection of useful kitchen products. #TOTP

It was Pete Powell's last show last week... yet here he is tonight. I will never get the hang of time-travel. #TOTP

Bit late to the party tonight. Whose Gandalf? #TOTP

If you see this, post a sunset.

The 'O'-rings used for the spacecraft in "A Grand Day Out" had to be reinforced to withstand the acceleration forces. In other words... "More G's Gromet." #LunchPun

"So...do spiders have 7 armpits or 8?" "No. I meant any questions about the job."

Just bet my shirt on a horse called Sandy Beach. It's a shore thing. #LunchPun

"Scousers have scored a winner in injury time again." #LIVATM

Loving all the Pimp and Circumstantial Evidence at Windsor Castle today.

Grumpy: Hi Ho! Snow White: I've told you to stop calling me that you miserable, stumpy get. #LunchPun

Pretty sure my fridge just sighed. (Not a euphemism)

Fancy one of those nice ice-creams tonight. Might buy myself a tub of "Ben's".

How humiliating for the UK Prince Andrew removed from public life because of his association to Epstein Mandelson sacked because of his association to Epstein #Trump given a state visit despite his association to Epstein King Charles must be dying inside The UK / #Starmer look desperate

Puy Man has gone! #GBBO

Iain being comforted by his wife. #GBBO

Actually fancy crisps now though. #GBBO

Top tip: You can stop yourself from feeling hungry during Bake Off by drinking heavily instead. Cheers. #GBBO

Tom's decorations would make those roses grow for sure. #GBBO

Jasmine looks amazing just how she is. #GBBO