Went on an Angers Management Course by mistake and now I'm mayor of a town in France.

Taking no chances on Friday 13th.

That time Donald Trump repealed the Law of Gravity.

Cheryl Crowdinger wants to have fun and not have fun at the same time.

I was feeling down in the dumps today, but what can you expect when you're cleaning out a duck pond by hand.

Went on an Angers Management Course by mistake and now I'm mayor of a town in France.

Thought I'd seen an artificial alpaca earlier, but it was a false llama.

Went on a "creative" writing course today. Tomorrow, I plan to learn how to write a second word.

Who called it "Door-to-door Sales Training" and not "The School of Hard Knocks"?

We know there is already an Easter Island and a Christmas Island. I am raising money for an expedition to discover Pancake Tuesday Island. Who's in?

I love that due to his atrocious lip syncing Kid Rock is now being referred to as Hillbilly Vanilli

I had not heard Clare de Lune for a while, and then it's been on the radio every day this week. You wait ages for a Debussy, and then three turn up all at once. No...you shut up.

I don't just like Bisto...it's a gravy kind of love.

Lovely walk around Kew Gardens yesterday - only spoilt when this dickhead turned up.

He might have done business with him but he turned up at the wrong island.

Tares of a Clown. #ASongOrMovieForAllAboutWeight

The origin story of Netflix and Chill.

ET: Knew...New. Read...Reed. Blue...Blew. Boy...Buoy. Elliot: What does it mean? ET: HOMOPHONE! #PlotForASequelToET

I installed 3 fluorescent tubes in my loft today. That was the highlight of the day.

Nut Cutlet City Limits. #ASongOrMovieForPlantBasedFood

It's never just a "focus", is it? It's always a "laser focus". I will be "working tirelessly" to change this. 🙄

Starmer's cabinet meeting this morning.

Age verification. Getting to the off switch on the telly before the National Anthem starts playing.

If Ghislaine Maxwell says Donald Trump is innocent that’s good enough for me. Now if you’ll excuse me, a nice young man wants to sell me Tower Bridge.

Drop something SCALY.

C-Clamp of Love. #ASongOrMovieForAllVices

A bloke down our street insists on being called Ling Lang and wants people to feed him bamboo as he lolls around his garden... ...but I refuse to pander to him. I'm here all week.

Fat Larry's follow-up song - "Teams!" - never made it into the charts. #TOTP

Laura K: Did you just fart? Pat McFadden: What I will say is - yes, a pungent aroma is pervading the studio right now; and yes, the chicken rogan josh I consumed last night is lying heavily on my stomach this morning. It would not be untrue to deny that the two are not related. #BBCLauraK

Kier Starmer's latest adviser revealed. #BBCLauraK

Appointing Mandelson as Ambassador, knowing his association with Epstein, is akin to spotting a pork pie that has been in the fridge for about 3 months... and deciding to take a chance and have it for lunch anyway. Scrape a few bits of mould off it and it's good to go. 🙄 #BBCLauraK

Appalled by the hotel secret camera story, I carried out some investigation to see if I had been caught in the same way. And there it was... ...footage of me on a recent business trip... ...eating a Tesco meal deal in a Travel Lodge while watching a report about otters on The One Show. Sick.

...and in thr Celery Eating World Cup were heading for crunch time.

Put wood on the burner tonight that I'd cut in my garden myself. Channeling my inner hunter-gatherer. Might forage for avocado in Waitrose tomorrow.

“I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.”

It's Budgie that I feel really sorry for... and all the other little helicopters who must feel very disappointed right now.

If I'd followed Google maps' directions earlier, I would have been 30 minutes slower. (There would also have been tolls if I'd turned right.)

Oven ready headline.

Just started my next steamy novel about a high-flying corporate executive who has an affair with his assistant. Their steamy, kinky sessions involve them reading out the exam results of an ex-Irish goalkeeper at each other. Working title: Fifty Grades of Shay.

he always had trouble with anti-virus measures

They're planning a sequel to the Melania movie.

Patient: Something's got a hold of my heart. Doctor: Keeping your soul and your senses apart? Patient: YES!!! Doctor: You've got angina. #TOTP

Sam Fox had big things in front of her back then. #TOTP

Still waiting for Linda to turn up with those ciggies. #TOTP

Stationary Wilbury. #TOTP

If Boyzone did a cover of this, it would be "Love Replacement Bus Service". #TOTP

...you and I know... #TOTP

Blonde is not in the studio... but we have Legs and Co instead. #TOTP

Ford Cortina klaxon. #TOTP

When the bongo guy was not available, they fooled the audience with a toilet brush wearing a tea towel. #TOTP