Listening to Dark Side of the Moon on my walk this morning. It really is a masterpiece, isn't it?

An anti-social neighbour who annoyed everyone by drumming on glass bottles all night long has finally been arrested and sent to the clink. #LunchPun

Police found the disfigured body that had been shot repeatedly with bullets made out of beef-stock. They are working on the theory that it was a gangland oxocution.

No. I shall sue the BBC for...

"A man was complaining about all the multi-national companies contaminating his fields with drugs and stopping the crops from growing." "Big pharma?" "No. He was about five foot six." #LunchPun

We all want AI to be that friend you have that does all the research and advises you on what brand of air fryer to buy. Unfortunately, more often than not, AI is that mate stood behind you at the quiz machine, swearing blind that D is the answer, convincing you not to go for the correct answer, A.

The BBC should just have a guest Director-General that changes each week like they do on Have I Got News For You.

Surely there is only one real candidate now for the BBC Director-General job...

Harry's gone. Night Nitro. #Strictly

Chances of a long throw goal today? Slim. #MCILIV

#UxbridgeEnglishDictionary Docile: The part of the pharmacy where you find the STD medicines.

I've even tried telling jokes to the potatoes to cheer them up. You'll do anything when the chips are down. #LunchPun

Who is going to win the FIFA Prize for Physics though?

Proper telly that. #CelebrityTraitors

Joe in the green room after the show. #CelebrityTraitors

Alan's won. What!? #CelebrityTraitors

Nick voting for Joe. #CelebrityTraitors

Joe when he got banished. #CelebrityTraitors

Alan trying to prove to the others he is a faithful. #CelebrityTraitors

Cat being asked to make a comment. #CelebrityTraitors

Nick going straight for Alan and Cat. #CelebrityTraitors

Avanti West Coast if you try to use their WiFi: #celebritytraitors

David puts two and two together and gets Blue Whale. #CelebrityTraitors

Joe and Nick with the box lid. #CelebrityTraitors

I know who I'd like to see in the next series. #CelebrityTraitors

My money's on Nick to win. #CelebrityTraitors

Explain a film plot badly: Kansas girl goes on killing spree during tornado.

I was accused of cutting the bottoms out of all the cardboard boxes in the warehouse - but it was a baseless accusation. #LunchPun

Another prisoner released...

What idiot called it "withdrawing from their climate change commitments" and not a "COP Out"?

At the World Clock Ungluing Championships, I won Second Prise. #LunchPun

On this day 1605: Guy Fawkes attempts to blow up King James I and the Houses of Parliament.

48 years to the daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

In an improvement to security, the new Louvre password will be "Mona Lisa". Security experts are considering substituting the "o" for a "0".

#LunchPun I once met a man who sat at the top of mountains writing 3-line, Japanese poems. It turned out that he was a genius with an incredibly high Haiku.

During the Rorschach Inkblot Test I kept seeing members of the B52s. My psycho-analyst eventually realised they had given me a Love Shack Test by mistake. #LunchPun

My performance as host of the World Cocktail Championships received a mixed reception. #LunchPun

Ellie's gone. Whose been peeling onions in our house? #Strictly

Ellie gave it her all there. #Strictly

It's Cat from Traitors - that's what she does then. #Strictly

Ellie's gone, I reckon. #Strictly

Dave Karcher. #Strictly

The antithesis of last night's post... Did noone tell Shirley to take off the Halloween make-up? #Strictly

Has the music been better in this series, or has my acceptance of the quality been slowly ground down over the years? #Strictly

It does sound like the response to the train-stabbing incident was swift and effective. The coordination of the train-controllers and the emergency services in stopping at Huntingdon should be commended. The bravery of the police officers rushing to the scene is truly admirable.

Lib Dems watching #BBCLauraK

Kemi again. Do Conservatives have no other spokesperson? #BBCLauraK

To be honest, Prince Edward should also have been jailed for organising It's A Royal Knockout back in the day. #BBCLauraK

Waiting for the Green representative to get the same coverage as Reform. #BBCLauraK

Sorry...Zia Yusuf is MP for what constituency? #BBCLauraK