How many times must I yell “IT’S HIM TRYING TO FUCKING WELL GET HOME FOR THANKSGIVING”? No one mentions Christmas. Not once. No one says a damned thing about it. Neal Page is not trying to fucking well get home for Christmas!

*stares at brand name*

Highlights from the country music awards? *opening credits followed immediately by closing credits*

Michael not giving two shits about how terrifying it would be for all these people watching trees un-felling themselves. And animals coming back to life. That’s fucking years worth of therapy. #totp

Lots of elephants were harmed in the making of this video. #totp

I’m only going to walk back into the lounge for Bjork’s links. *runs nap off trousers* #totp

*walks through Lounge as Maurice Loaf waves a hanky around like he’s about to pull all the flags of the world from his sleeve* #totp

I will not countenance Christmas in any month other than December. So I have been doing laundry and I haven’t had to see Celine Dion or Gary Barlow once. I win. I even did all the sofa covers. No more lingering Mr Loons. *lip wobble*

The production on this is so thin. So piss weak and thin. #totp

Brought to you in association with the Perimeter Fencing Marketing Board #totp

A lot of the houses I’ve looked at in Scotland have been in Murray Head. #totp

Don’t sing live. Yours sincerely, Everyone #totp

William Ocean. William Orbit. There’s a party booking mixup waiting to happen. #totp

Stevie Winwood has forced his way into this single #totp

I might start saying A-Polow-Gise in normal conversation #totp

Weird episode of the Canal Trip #totp

Shout out to the guy dressed as future train driver communist. #totp

Chicago, with their latest song about having better pizza than New York… #totp

Is that the only occasion where the words “a real blisterer” have been uttered? #totp

It’s not 6 episodes today, is it? Right? It’s not is it? *panicky sweaty look to camera* #totp

The only places you’re going mate, are to the HR offices #totp

Here we are then. All the TOTP Orchestra lads. Playing in all of the time signatures. #totp

‘Put your love in me’, eh? However do they come up with these crazy titles? *runs finger around inside of shirt collar and looks nervously to camera* #totp

Camels and camel t…. No, Lee. No. #totp

Leo Sayer and his traditional method of delivering a song, like he’s on a rough ferry crossing.. #totp

Jones the Extra Tar #totp

Another double a side. The ‘Girls School’ cover art made me feel ‘funny’. #totp

The distance between skateboarding and what these guys know about skateboarding is too large to measure without the most advanced computers #totp

First single I ever bought. Albeit from a second hand shop. When I was a mere child. Double A Side with Ma Baker, right? #totp

*warbly voiced effect* FuuuUuuuuUuuuUuuuuccckkkKkkk oFfffffFfffff #totp

Sham Rock? *rubs eyes, shakes head* Nah. I must have imagined that #totp

My car doth not have enough carbon monoxide for this #totp

*looks at record player* Fuck! It’s on 33rpm and not 45 #totp

Yeah, baby. Let’s take it glacially slow and tunelessly. #totp

“Are yow lookin’ at our Pras?”

Bloke on the trumpet should be named Jizzy Gillespie for this song. #totp

*says yes about going to bed with her* “I wasn’t expecting the trumpeter to be here too. Could he perhaps, just, y’know…shut up?” #totp

What in the name of all that is shitting holy? #totp

Why is this back? I thought it had gone away. But it’s back. A bunch of guys looking like Quebecois housewives have gone mental in TK Maxx #totp

Imagine if the worm that RFK Jr has in his head is this earworm. Every mad decision informed by the chorus rattling around and around in his head. #totp

I don’t mind Alanis. I have to respect someone who has a bit in all of their songs where they just have a bit of a shout. #totp

Wait. We’re feeling our spirits now? Not our energy? #totp

Is this rave? #totp

I’m going to stand into the garage until I can no longer hear a vocoder. #totp

“What did you do at work today?” “Pixelated a merkin out of a video” #totp

This tune could do with a bit of variety. Or an ending. #totp

*stares at lip piercing and wonders if it clatters against the teeth when you’re really cold and shivering* Deep thoughts. #totp

Bonobantz #totp

*mumbles incoherently, some guttural sounds* #totp