Probably comes as a surprise to Ukrainians

I get these football transfer alerts on my phone, but it just looks like people's holiday plans

For sale: England open-top bus. Never used.

For sale: assorted World Cup flags and bunting. One careful owner. Would suit Spanish or Argentine fans.

England holding onto a lead...

www.maptap.gg July 16 100🎯 93🏆 100🎯 100🎯 96🔥 Final score: 981

A breach of Article 13(2)(c) of the FIFA Disciplinary Code, which could be punished by expulsion.

Can we have Guy Mowbray deported?

Ludicrous film from the BBC with Benedict Cumberbatch

France knocked out of the World Cup in Dallas, you say?

Hydration break

More French bottling than the Evian factory

Sacre bleu

Well

Rough penalty for France. No-one expects the Spanish interception.

Wife just mixed up Mo Salah and Mo Farah. Scenes.

The key to this FRA-SPA game will be the French press

The Times has a guide on the best pubs in London to sit and ignore the football

Is there a senior citizen discount for the Straits of Hormuz fees?

I had my 40 year college reunion at the weekend. A slightly unsettling event - the timing book-ends careers and the raising of families, and it feels a bit like a report card. But wonderful to see old friends, and a very uplifting experience. Conversations and banter like decades didn't happen.

Reckon I'll get my Aircon installed the week before the gulf stream stops and sends us into the new Ice Age

Remarkable chart

The year is 2038. The World Cup is now 4,096 teams. Each US state enters separately, while the UK fields 164 pub teams and 313 school U15 sides. Wales and Italy failed to qualify.

Merino: wool you believe it?

The thing I like about the Bayeux Tapestry is that, right at the end, they tie up all the loose threads

Jesus. Glad I didn't post anything snarky about Ann Widdecombe earlier.

Updated World Cup probabilities (Monte Carlo, 10,000 simulations of the full bracket, goals scored based on an attack/defence model derived from Elo differences, calibrated on 2022-2026 match data, Dixon-Coles corrected. Penalties 50/50.) tinyurl.com/PT-early-Edit

They open up the box and discover, to their horror, that it's an embroidery not a tapestry

I don't know how you can doubt global warming. Round here, it was 20C just 27 years ago, now it's 21C.

Morocco? Dirham-me

Looks like Quansah's got to serve Balogun's one match ban as well as his own.

What if they just wanted to send you a text?

There's Mexico and Colombia for starters

New fear unlocked

I'll be honest. I kind of thought Bonnie Tyler was Canadian or something

Seems harsh. A little unconvincing in the group stages, sure, but decent wins against Austria and Portugal, and they've yet to concede.

How strong is that fan?!?

Updated World Cup probabilities (Monte Carlo, 10,000 simulations of the full bracket, goals scored based on an attack/defence model derived from Elo differences, calibrated on 2022-2026 match data, Dixon-Coles corrected. Penalties 50/50.)

I've shortened this article for you by removing a third of the words. The remaining words are: Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi Messi (1/32)

So this thing is now the European Championships, with a couple of bonus non-UEFA teams for fun

Farage was once the "stuff the politicians" vote What if Binface is now the"stuff the politicians" vote?

2016: Boaty McBoatface 2026: Binny McBinface

The other parties refuse to stand, so Farage will stand against refuse. #binface

Professional courtesy

To be a football legend, is it compulsory to blub the whole time?

Great first day as Nigel Farage's new political adviser. Now to catch up on the new...

Unlike the VAR boys, I'd like to have a look at those two incidents in the Argentina box before the winner

Mummy

Crushed

Choke like an Egyptian