God, these lovely, peaceful morning hours in Europe before that stupid cunt wakes up.

The chicks realised too late that the cat skin rug wasn't, in fact, a rug

Booked a holiday for me and the missus. When going through the process on the website it asked whether I wanted a double or two single beds. Brilliant. She doesn't know there was an option, but I can't wait to have a bed all to myself for a week.

anyone familiar with British politics will know that any news that isn't entirely negative will be closely followed by a sustained bombardment of misery that will make you want to fucking die. but currently it's Friday, it's payday, and the fascists have lost

I'm an English teacher. My perspective is that all of Shakespeare's comedies are appalling, sub Benny Hill shit and they're all the same. His tragedies are great. Furthermore, people who laugh at the "jokes" at theatres are possibly even worse than "Live, Laugh, Love" dullards.

I know it's not within the hundred most awful things here, but... the nearest penguins to Greenland are in the Galapagos, five thousand fucking miles away

Which words have given you happiness this year? I’d love to hear them. (And if you fancy some distraction over the holidays, do give my word game Two Words a try. twowords2.page.link/play)

Announcing SEX TIPS BOT, a new stupid bot by Rob Manuel that generates sex tips, without using AI, just good old fashioned writing templates with silly words in them. FOLLOW NOW. LAUNCHING SOON. Follow @sextipsbot.bsky.social

@thecatreviewer.bsky.social A wiggly barrel of a cat living their best life on top of this warm electrics cabinet. Enjoyed the Twiglet my child offered it. 10/10

Sunday night. Mebbe a lil bit pissed. Bought a bunch of bodysuits, some v sassy. Will be surviving on storecupboard and freezer for the rest of the month.. Worth it

Got some beef cheeks in the fridge for dinner. Herself has modified The Wonder Stuff's 'Welcome to the cheap seats' to 'Welcome to the beef cheeks' and it has obliterated my brain for the last 48 hours. Still, there's a lyric of a chap wearing a dress, and I'm totally on board with that.

You guys wanna see a dead body?

Wednesday is saved.

TO THE ATTENTION OF THE MAGPIE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW: Dear sir, As a bird, it must be hilarious to make a dog lose his mind every day, at the same time, with nothing more than your beak. However, some of us live *inside* the house with him. Sincerely, The lady who provides you roasted nuts

Queen

It's incredible how close the Red Arrows fly together, must take nerves of steel

one for sorrow two for joy three for a girl four for a boy five for silver six for actually that's a lot of magpies seven for oh no they are massing eight for oh my god they're going to attack nine for run, run away now ten for magpies Magpies MAGPIES

Monday

"That's me, that is."

Just (humanely) chucked a sodding massive spider out of the bathroom. Second night in a row. We might have a homing spider. Which pleases my other half no end...

While away we encountered this fine tuxedo cat just outside Zandvoort station. Emerged from the long grass mewing for fusses then followed us all the way up the footpath. +10 for welcoming travellers, -5 for getting a bit stalky, still an overall score of 25/10. @thecatreviewer.bsky.social

Gorgeous cat with her own book nook. Very attentive with varied selection of reading materials. 12/10 @thecatreviewer.bsky.social

@thecatreviewer.bsky.social This is "muttermuttercantrememberhername" Totally cute, endlessly curious, here seen burglarising my car. Again. 11/10, me an the better half adore her

I buy expensive fancy nuts in the weekly shop and tell the wife they're for snacks at work. I actually feed them to a family of Jackdaws and crows who I've befriended over recent months. She'd go mad if she knew.

If there's still anyone around.

Word of the day is ‘erumpent’ (17th century), which describes buds and blossom that are bursting forth with vigour. Can also be used of energetic humans.

🪶 it's dangerous to go alone. Take this with you

@thecatreviewer.bsky.social This is Daisy, who came rushing over for fussing when she spotted a kindred spirit. 10/10 for floofy-friendly-old-ladyness. 100% would scritch again.

You know how it is…you have a huge “to do” list so you end up listening to This Mortal Coil and sketching a Capybara because you’ve never drawn one and they’re cool..and it’s procrastinating at its most Capybaraist.

Day 54 of #365DaysOfSmiles Adorable little piggies!

A little worried that Colin the House Dalek is getting too many invasion and tactic tips from this excellently researched book from @almurray.bsky.social

It would play hell with the parquet but still Want (not sure if it's alt texted, but it is a shiny black stiletto shoe that doubles as ice pick/murder weapon with knuckle dusters).

Who else loves crows. #Crows #birds #ukbirds #birdphotography #ukwildlife #wildlifephotography #naturephotography

@thecatreviewer.bsky.social the big black cat staring in is not our cat, he is a git. The small polite cat behind is Pickle and he would very much like to be safe in the house with our other two cats, please. 10/10 for villain energy, 0/10 for being nice to other cats or indeed humans.

Stoma life. Unexpected catastrophes at fuck-all-o'clock, followed by obsessive showering, cleaning and calling in sick the following day to get over the trauma. Still. Beats being dead. And my flat is spotless.

@almurray.bsky.social Dear Al. Always loved your comedy, have seen you a bunch of times live. Just wanted you to know I fucking LOVE your @wehaveways.bsky.social podcast. TLDR: You, Jim, John and all your other guests have brought WWII to life for me. Chapeau Sirs and Madames.

If my husband pleasured me with the same rapid and focussed tongue-feathering technique he uses to lick envelopes I would be considerably more satisfied. As it is I am envious. Of fucking stationery.

Encountered amber-eyed regal cat during a walk in northern Switzerland 🇨🇭 today. Extra bonus points for walking towards us, meowing determinedly, demanding pets. Blindingly white cat brightened our day both figuratively and literally. 14/10, would pet again 👑 @thecatreviewer.bsky.social

Before I left a really shitty garden centre job i labelled 1500 tree ferns with instructions saying "can get infested with goblins which may burrow into the fibrous trunk to use as dwellings. Deal with these pests by throwing wet breadcrumbs at them and shouting 'NO' very loudly"

Jesus. Twister in Donegal right now.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

TikTok is overrated anyway. Reviewing random cats to share with a bunch of strangers on Bluesky is where the true technological cutting edge is. Also we promise to not interfere with any elections.

Raised as a Catholic which meant a weekly trip to church to confess my sins. Aged 7, I was walking to church & just could not think of any sins I'd done. Wondered idly what'd happen if I confessed to murder? Got there. Confessed to murder. Much consternation. Bloody brilliant.

So today is Tuesday, right? Yes, I checked. It’s definitely Tuesday.