Lots of "commentators" are rewarded for spreading lies and convincing you that everything is getting worse and you should be afraid. The good news is it's not: homicides at their lowest level in 50 years and killings involving a knife are at their lowest recorded level www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

“The game's afoot: follow your spirit, and upon this charge, cry ‘God for Harry, England, and Saint George!’” Wishing all my followers a very happy St George’s Day x

I feel like Liz Truss and Liam Rosenior could become friends

The Fraud's Prayer: Our Father, who art in the White House, hallowed be thy combover; thy blingdom come; thy will be dumb; In Washington as you are in Florida. Give us this day our daily round of golf. And forgive us our insider trading, as we refuse to forgive those who investigate against us...

There's a free family festival on Trafalgar Square today to celebrate the patron saint of England: St George. All are welcome, except dragons.

Keir Starmer should go immediately... ...to the shops to buy me some cat treats.

John 3:16 "Aw, man. I just shot Marvin in the face"

I have some concerns with the choice of picture for this story from BBC News

Donald Trump is the only person in the world who doesn't realise that the expression "Is the Pope Catholic?" is a joke

"What did you do, screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?" Trump: "All the time - it was the campaign slogan for my second term"

Fancy copying me and strolling around the 10 Downing Street garden? Enter the ballot for a free tour here: londongardenstrust.org/whatson/lond...

Trump is stretching the US navy to its limit; first it has to blockade the Strait of Hormuz and now it has to capture the Holy See...

Exodus 20: 3 You shall have no other gods before me 4 You shall not make for yourself an image in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath 23 Do not make any gods to be alongside me; do not make for yourselves gods of silver or gods of gold Trump 2026:

Is JD Vance an Arsenal fan?

Trump's plan for defeating a person strangling him: placing his hands round his own throat and squeezing.

To my friends in Hungary: A világ veled áll, miközben visszaszerzed, ami a tiéd

Garble Arch

We've reached the point that they're using the Epstein files to cover up Iran

The ending of Burn After Reading came into my head this morning. Sums things up well. (profanity warning, though nothing you haven't heard from Trump)

TACO Tuesday

I don't suppose he clarified which one?

The chicks realised too late that the cat skin rug wasn't, in fact, a rug

I want to wish all my friends around the world who are celebrating Easter a glorious weekend. For Christians, Easter is a time to reflect on the gift of Christ and his teachings to our world. For example, when asked which was the most important of the commandments, Jesus pointed to two:

The world is about to witness the biggest tantrum in history

Update from the land of the free:

Translation: "I started something I can't finish and broke something I can't fix so I'm going to walk away and pretend it's your fault"

Today is Holy Monday - the day Jesus threw the merchants and money changers out of the temple. He was incensed at them for commercialising a house of prayer. What would Jesus think of those "conservatives" who see religion as a way to spread hatred and make money?

A reminder to all my friends across the UK that British Summertime starts tonight at 1am so don’t forget to put your clocks forward an hour and get your snow shovels ready!

Trump: "I like to hang around with losers; it makes me feel better"

"Kansas firefighters rescue chubby cat trapped in massive recliner while trying to hide from the vet" God speed, chubby cat.

Confused old man yells at military alliance

First Iran called Trump's bluff and now the markets are. They've spotted that the cards Trump is holding are Master Bun the Baker's son and the rules of solitaire.

🌮

When Trump dies and people celebrate that fact, show this to anyone who complains.

Wouldn't want to be in Paddington's shoes right now

This is essential reading. It makes clear that the Conservative government had left the NHS in a precarious position by starving it of funding and that its inept handling of the pandemic almost saw it collapse completely

Strong "I didn't want to go out with you anyway because you're ugly" vibes

Then we raised a glass to JFK And a dozen more besides When I got back to my empty room I suppose I must have cried... Happy Saint Patrick's day to all celebrating x

Also sending my love to everyone who might find today difficult because they no longer have a Mum or haven't had the chance to become one yet xx

Wishing a very happy Mother's Day to everyone celebrating in the UK, Ireland and Nigeria today. And a happy, don't panic, it's only Mother's Day in the UK, Ireland and Nigeria so you've not forgotten to everywhere else in the world x

That's funny, I could have sworn he said something about not needing Royal Navy vessels because the war was already won. You broke it Don, you fix it.

What do you think I was singing? Best answer gets a paw of respect.

The Strait of Hormuz is perfectly safe...

The feeling's mutual

We can all agree that I'd look fantastic on a £5 note

Lots of people questioning whether the King should visit the United States. I think he definitely should; to recolonise it.

Oil be the judge of that...

Declaring "Mission Accomplished" - that always works out well for US Presidents