no point putting him in a prison cell. he'll just fall through the bars

get rid of this disgusting pervert NOW.

modern day Simpsons be like

the robot that Sir Keir Starmer built in his own image, using his late father's tools, now stands poised and ready to eat him.

he was only found out when he went for a PEW PEW

Dracula: I, am Dracula! me: bit formal, do you have a first name Mr Dracula? Dracula: Count Dracula! me: no, an actual.. [looks at his lanyard] ..Simon? Dracula: [hisses, hides lanyard with cape] me: Simon Dracula?

George Peppard fancied the makeup lady on The A-Team set for years but never did acted on it. at the wrap party he went up to her and said "you wanna know why I never approached you? spoonerise this." he gave her a bag and left, never to return. inside was a shepherd's pie.

BREAKING: 'One Foot In The Grave' legend Richard Wilson, 89, sleeps 'peacefully, at home' every night

policeman: [in thick New York accent] Lord Mandelson, welcome to Heartfordshyerr police station where you will be remanded in custody, and I gotta warn ya - our CCTV ain't workin so good today

BREAKING 🚨: Elon Musk reportedly 'possessed by Ronnie Corbett'

Ignore the critics - 'Melania' is sensational, with a powerhouse central performance by Cillian Murphy that is destined for Academy recognition

all I do each night is think. of all the times I've closed the door to keep the stench within.

Thomas Skinner is really on a generational run of being a fat stupid cunt

what authority does Porky Pig have to tell me what's 'all'. why are you in such a hurry to wrap things up eh. what the fuck are you hiding you shifty little smelly cunt.

got Pavarotti's ashes from Vinted for an absolute steal - and yes before you ask, it is genuine and comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by the big man himself 🎶

son is now getting into Michael Jackson. I don't mind as long as it stays that way round

I am calling for a total and complete ban on old people in shops until we can figure out a way to make them less annoying

it's time for us people from the 90s to finally accept that any hope of us being still considered young-ish in any way is totally and irrevocably gone

when you've been telling your nanna a funny story on FaceTime only to realise her camera froze 10 minutes ago

no... NO

who's going to be the first to request that Gregg Wallace do a valentine message on Cameo with his trousers down? or does that come as standard anyway?

Suella Braverman looks like the top 50% of her head is that of an attractive woman but the bottom 50% is that of that bald little cunt that says 'inconceivable' from The Princess Bride

🚨 BREAKING: US President Donald Trump dies 'peacefully, in his sleep' at world premiere of 'Melania'

I think you'll agree that this is a great use of the planet's dwindling resources

an apology from Michael Fabricant

the worst thing about Chinese New Year is the Chinese Hootenanny - this year headlined by Chinese Ronnie Wood

imo one needs to be pronounced cream brulee or the other a crem egg. you can't have it both ways

latest Board Of Peace member confirmed

hey buddy. who ya got for the playoffs.

shocking but I still think he's a true British hero RIP mate 🇬🇧

me, before becoming a parent: if I ever have kids I'm gonna be such a cool parent, no fascist rules and boundaries man just love and freedom of expression me, as a parent:

looks like a literal pig that's really into Genesis

#OTD in 1992: Lou Carpenter causes a storm in Lassiters complex when he appoints his firebrand new lover Shirley as the new manager of Lou's Place

genuinely thought this was Reece Shearsmith as Mrs Levinson

[the laptop guy from Sleaford Mods walking into a clothes shop] one 'Vegan As Fuck' t-shirt please

Alistair Campbell dragging Rory Stewart out of an opium den by his hair and submerging him in a bath of icy cold water so they can record an emergency podcast about Thomas Skinner joining Reform

has anyone else tried these since the dogshit redesign, and have they also tampered with the recipe or should I expect a product recall message soon stating that several dead rats have been found in the seasoning

your lesbian aunt posing with one of the founders of Studio Ghibli at Comic Con

MAKE DEPORTATIONS NICE AGAIN ❤️ ✨️🫶

Inspector Gabbage? I barely know her!

I've got the five aitch one seven fives

I've watched La Bamba, but not with real intent.

Williamson once again dazzles with furious indignation ('NOT ARSED ABOUT MARMITE/ IF I WANTED SALTY BROWN SHIT ON MY TOAST I'D HANG OUT WITH BORIS JOHNSON/ OR JEREMY CORBYN/ MATE I'D BE STRAIGHT ON THE BOURBON/ VICTORIA COREN MITCHELL'S TITS GOT ME IN A RITUAL BLITZ OF ANTI WANKING MITTS/ FUCK OFF

who up walking La Ramblas but not with real intent

this, but also including ugly bastards. why should they get away with it scot free

[Chippendales in court] prosecution: on the charge of smuggling class A drugs rectally, the evidence is insurmountable Sir Mountable: umm not anymore it's not