deleted this off Twitter as I thought it would be more appropriate for Bluesky

finally found an appropriate xmas jumper for my 5yo son

Otto English told me to come here

just popping in to show you what you're missing on Twitter 👍

thank you but why

This *has* to be the worst rendition of Baker Street I've ever heard.

no birthday messages on the so-called "nice place"... interesting

tragic. like a Les Dennis poster where he calls himself 'Amanda Holden's REAL husband'

I tell ya, this guy really did a number on his wife Sue

I am glad you are following your dream but please consider giving up

Elvis: blue blue blue suede shoes, blue blue blue suede shoes, blue blue blue suede shoes, blue blue blue suede shoes, me: shut the fuck up you damn jackass

be careful out there

is it ozempic by any chance

🚨 EXCLUSIVE: @Nigel_Farage says 75% of sexual offences are committed by native Britons

Department Of Government Efficiency: Streeting Health Initiative Trust

hiiiii you guyssss!!! omg I am so GASSED to see you guys again 🫶 how are my Bluesky blutuals?? ❤️

just spotted Rory Stewart and Ed Balls having a bit of a disagreement about which vulnerable societal group's benefits should be cut first to pay for war

happy international women's day to my women followers, even the women who aren't sexy 🫶

two lesbians probably. sisters. I'm just watching

serious answer: it took me almost 12 hours to think of an answer to this because I started playing Words with Friends [the game that features neither words nor friends]. anyway my answer is I don't know

I don't know what a cheat code is in any life sorry

Charlie Watts, Phil Collins, Lou Reed, GG Allin, Christopher Biggins

the internet

buy, buy. sell, sell. [ancient Wall Street wisdom]

this is going to sound pathetic, because it is, but the Scottish bloke in the already forgotten 2025 ITV drama Playing Nice

all I'm saying is my dog has never had to wipe her arse

what am I some kind of cigar chomping Hollywood agent, I've got enough admin of my own to worry about without delving into the archives of the silver screen greats to cobble together some kind of showreel for you, do it yourself

paid for my coffee at Morrisons cafe when my card got declined at the till after my account was unknowingly emptied by a van rental company simply because I am Welsh. and also because I completely fucked up the side of a van I hired from them by driving into a bollard

oooo bois bach, the things I could tell you about Wales's history, iesu mawr it would make your cawl run cold! [I am asked again to come up with a single fact] oooo how much time have you got, arglwydd [all day] oooo, ....ooo.

that Bruce Lee died by sneezing with his eyes open

picking up dog shit

if Elon Musk dies now his ghost will have that fucking stupid haircut for all eternity

my memory's not great so I'll just say when I ate a falafel wrap whilst driving home from work today

Supermarket Sweep ass box

I just need to get a properly popular Bloot/Bleet/Blat/Blit/BLT before I can denounce this place and never come back, just so it doesn't look like sour grapes

oh HELL no what the fuck have they done to Shrek

Threads is proper mental

Gregg Wallace watching his son in a school play

blood pressure machine telling me I have hypertension... more woke nonsense

why can't both things be true

gf made 25 gingerbread men yesterday and packed them away in tins before going to bed. son came downstairs this morning, looked at all the empty baking trays and tearfully asked me if I had eaten them all. become the fat cunt your children believe you are 🫶

had a family meal today, 2 hours sat at a table with my dad and the only two things he told me were 1. his father's next door neighbour went to a shop and asked for two Turkish Delights and the woman behind the counter gave him 2 turkey slices

googling the names of everyone who's wronged me in the last quarter century in the hopes of a news story about imprisonment or an obituary or something. fuck all. once again I ask what is the point of the justice system if people who've upset me can't be locked away forever

fab

when it comes to the most popular bands of the 1960s, I feel like The Beatles need to be part of the conversation

if Mike Read is looking for an idea for a follow-up to his 2014 number 44 smash 'UKIP Calypso', I've got a suggestion for a Bob Marley cover that'll blow your socks off

driving home earlier, I coughed up a massive phlegm. with nowhere to put it, and lacking the dexterity to successfully flob it out of the window, I had no choice but to carry the watery trifle in my mouth for the remainder of the journey like a fucking pelican. thanks for reading