in this life things are much harder than in the afterworld in this life,

thank you Jeff Bezos, what would I do without you

just saw a bloke with a topknot and a goatee in a ponytail. he looked like a burst dogshit bag

dirty fucker.

I'm glad Marianne Faithfull is not around to see what they've done to the girth of Mars bars

you have to hand it to Sting, he's really leant into being a smug twat

the only person who makes "rare interventions" more often than Tony Blair is my mother-in-law ladies and gentlemen

having a poo with the light off and a thunderstorm raging outside. a deeply spiritual moment

classic straight guy saying

God himself is weeping at what his creation has become. and the devil is, presumably, gooning.

when I was growing up we didn't have this Facebook bitmoji avatar nonsense. we had to walk into the pub with some gormless cunt in a rucksack, and if someone looked at us we had to quickly spin around and have this cretin wave at them before swiftly spinning back around

I've had tins in this cupboard for so long that even my nanna thinks that their time is gone

I don't think it's safe to say this on Twitter so I've come here to say that I don't think the AeroPress is compatible with Emma Bridgewater mugs. hey guys just my opinion!

we don't need your dirty drug money thank you very much 😡

Cliff Richard looks like Joe Biden if he was a Las Vegas magician

I've been putting off watching McCartney on SNL because everyone's been so mean about his voice. I just watched it and it's even worse than I thought. wtf even is this

having my hair cut this afternoon so I'm doing the woke thing and having a little rummage around in my ears with an antibacterial bathroom wipe

it's my birthday tomorrow so I thought I'd treat myself to a luxury item from the Asdas

if Starmer wants to survive the next 48 hours as PM, he *must* finally reveal to the British public what his late parents' jobs were

only a dickhead like Sir Keir could look at what happened yesterday and conclude that what the public are asking for is more Tony Blair

🚨 NEW: Sir Keir Starmer: "my father was a crypto billionaire, my mother was a racist"

in this world of paedo not poof forget all your troubles with an ice cold La Chouffe [Ad]

this is the happiest day of my grandparents' lives. look at them there. beaming

pisses me off that the votes of my partner and I will only cancel out the votes of the Reform cunts next door. ideally one or both of them should die, or there should be some system in place that makes it illegal to vote for the parties I don't like. that to me is true democracy

you okay @sirtonyrobinson.bsky.social? not seen any dancing videos off you today, hope you're alright pal 👍

the boomers waking up tomorrow, opening the GB News app on their stupid phones with the brightness at 100% and font size 72pt, seeing this image, and actually feeling ecstatic about it

absolutely dreading the horrible scenes I'm going to wake up to on Friday morning. have to remind myself that there are also many good things to look forward to in the near future, such as the imminent death of Gary Glitter

Oohhh I dunno, let's just say that almost a hundred people liked *those* wedding party photos 🤣 #pineappleonhead #uptownfunk #hangoverfromhell

ugh that'll be it, my kids are always asking to watch this

in the last 2 days my 5yo has told me that I'm not happy because my life is not exciting, I'm not funny, I'm angry all the time and I don't know how to brush my teeth because my teeth are yellow. all with zero malice and just the factual tone of an impartial documentarian.

The Drifters: A Warning From History

"it's not unusual to go out at any time" oh yeah what about like 3.50am

me, reacting to the claims of those who say that you are not all that: ha-ha-ha-ha

I can't get excited about payday anymore, my current account may as well be the paedo in a Mumsnet revenge fantasy, repeatedly brought back to life solely for the purpose of being immediately killed again

well... at least these ones are over 20

bag o' shite.

I suppose Hannah Spencer has a problem with me having a swift 3-4 pints on my lunch break too, does she. take it up with Arriva love.

Hope the MJ film has this spinning into frame like a front page about racketeering in a 1940's crime flick.

I reckon the worst part of living in a cashless society would be at the end of a visit to your nan when she goes "here you go" and starts waving her debit card around and you have to go "no honestly nanna, it's fine - you keep it, nooo" while holding out a portable card reader

don't think they're going to find them in there

no offence but that sounds like something that someone with literally zero vocabulary would do

I'd know that look anywhere. Lord Sugar is 100% filling his nappy here

is there a worse sight than this when opening an envelope

son was playing Spiderman catching baddies at breakfast this morning. after catching them he said he needed to build a helmet so he could make a massive wooden bowl to put them in for transportation to the police. sounds like we have a future local council star on our hands

woman on Facebook boasting that seaweed powder from Home Bargains has given her dog teeth 'just like Ryland'

There's somebody at the shore! There's somebody at the shore!

me looking at my mother in law's life support machine ladies and gentlemen

disappointed but sadly not surprised by Grotbags backing Reform

just been asking my 5yo son about his latest annoying obsession Johnny Go. he had no idea what I was talking about. turns out he's actually called Danny Go. Chuck Berry ass howler