when's Chris Moyles copping it is what I wanna know. I have been waiting almost 30 years. I will wait 30 more if I must. but make it so

who wants to buy this

she deleted this

dyslexic guy at a Red Dwarf convention

why does his bag look like Ringo

having a tin of soup mixed with half a tin of lentils

I was surprised to find that Bluesky now has a drafts feature. and even mors surprised when I opened it

[shit work experience lads at the government's weather controlling office] - AHHH you're joking - what - it's British Summer Time today! - fuck off! - I swear - which one's summer?? - I DON'T KNOW JUST PRESS ANYTHING [presses buttons for hail, torrential rain and ice]

- the name's Hole. Ashley Hole. - Ash Hole? - hmm, I see your point. Okay, call me by my middle name - Pugh. Pugh Hole. - Poo Hole? - fuck sake. Well my other middle name is Clive, but that's too embarrassing. Just call me A. Pugh C. Hole

I once asked for a pint of this during a stay at Lochailort in Scotland. barman said 'mate, you're English - every pint you've had in this pub has been Spaten'

Scarcely believable scenes this week. Iain explains government is going to have to “rediscover the language of sacrifice” for the coming shock, and Britain must “toughen up as a culture”. Miranda muses that we’ll need to give up “the incredible lifestyle that we’ve all become so used to”.

I remember when she made a big point of sharing a car with Prince Andrew and parading him around Westminster Abbey with pride in March 2022, 3 weeks after she funded his £12m hush money to one of his sex abuse victims ❤️ 🇬🇧

"I am warning it with peace and love to put the lotion in the basket"

hard agree

Made the trek to see Margaret Thatcher's grave on the weekend and I have to say I was incredibly disappointed to see that the word EASTER is nowhere to be found on it. Iron Lady my fucking arse.

saw a middle aged couple looking at Pot Noodles in Home Bargains this morning. the woman asked which one her husband wanted and I think he was trying to say Bombay Bad Boy but he had such a bad stutter that it sounded like he was breaking out a rendition of Blue Moon

aye alright pal

David Bowie's genitalia were famously at the bottom of his spine, whereas his rectal cavity was below his abdomen. The celebrated bulge displayed in Labyrinth is actually a lump of faecal matter, accidentally deposited due to the anxieties of starring in a major motion picture.

the juxtaposition of this insane tattoo with what appears to be one of the Dolmio puppets sombrely watching his house go up in flames

Dr Strangelove ass wife

wonderful memories 💖

NEW: Rupert Lowe vows to personally overdub all instances of 'Hare Krishna' in George Harrison's My Sweet Lord with 'Harry Ramsden's'

the primary function of AI is to ensure that seeing is no longer believing. the only other precedent for this during my lifetime was when an old schoolfriend walked up to me at a club with his cock out and it was so small that my other mate had to ask me if it actually was a cock

NO....NOOOOOO

[AC/DC Christmas song] guitar: DURUH DUH. DURUH DUH. DURUH DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH DURUH. stupid Marge Simpson voice: PIGS IN BLANKETS

Gregg ?

I think it's fair to say at this point that SNL UK is a CIA plot to destroy Britain from the inside

BREAKING 🚨: Greg James arrested outside pub for 'indecent act' on Prince of Wales

guys it's 2026 can we not for once have a womeningitis outbreak

proud daddy today. baby's first pint ❤️

I see a lot of gloating from people who've chosen not to have kids. how they can get up when they like and not have their day start at 5.15am, have a lovely breakfast that doesn't factor in having to force feed a petulant shit, brush their own teeth without pinning down a

I don't have the heart to post this, proving once and for all that I'm a truly wonderful human being

wonder what Brooklyn Beckham is doing for mother's day

bought the missus a copy of Piers Morgan's Woke Is Dead for mother's day

I like my avengers like I like my masculinity; toxic

watched S1 of Mr Mercedes last week. enjoyably nasty slop, immesurably elevated by Brendan Gleeson, and in the Roger Hargreaves extended cinematic universe it comes well below Mr Inbetween, prob equal to Mr Robot, slightly better than Mr Motivator

just fed my 8 month old spaghetti bolognese and he looked pretty much exactly like this at the end

masturbation doesn't need to be sad and grubby. for me it's spiritual. candles, essential oils. I pace the room bow legged like a sumo wrestler. at the point of climax I do the chant from Return To Innocence. unfortunately a dead giveaway if my wife's waiting to use the toilet

no one talks about the fact that Paul McCartney visited New York in 1970, got freaked out by the fans there and wrote a song about being shot dead immediately afterwards

BREAKING 🚨: Restore Britain leader Rupert Lowe has vowed to bring back saying 'HALT! WHO GOES THERE?' to trespassers

on the advice of M People, I searched for the hero inside myself. the good news is I found him. the bad news is he's dead. someone had put the poor cunt in a tupperware. who does that

someone on the Facebook page of the village I grew up in has complained of appalling graffiti under a bridge that is a stain on the community and gives the town as a whole a bad name. so obviously I made my mate walk a mile to the bridge in question and it just says 'fuck the police' lmao

the famous short story often misattributed to Ernest Hemingway

I've just thought of a surefire way of becoming a billionaire. unfortunately it involves grassing up one billion people to Iceland for shoplifting

James Bond in a fucking stinking mood at the club cos the barman stirred his stupid little drink rather than shook it

I reckon the only hurdle that stops me from being James Bond is that Ian Fleming explicitly stated that the character 'very rarely passed rectal gas - but when he had to, he would emit a suave hiss'

happy international women's day to all my gawjus chicas

the number one rule of patriot club is that you must always talk about how much you hate your country

losing your life savings is quite punk when you think about it