having my hair cut this afternoon so I'm doing the woke thing and having a little rummage around in my ears with an antibacterial bathroom wipe

it's my birthday tomorrow so I thought I'd treat myself to a luxury item from the Asdas

if Starmer wants to survive the next 48 hours as PM, he *must* finally reveal to the British public what his late parents' jobs were

only a dickhead like Sir Keir could look at what happened yesterday and conclude that what the public are asking for is more Tony Blair

🚨 NEW: Sir Keir Starmer: "my father was a crypto billionaire, my mother was a racist"

in this world of paedo not poof forget all your troubles with an ice cold La Chouffe [Ad]

this is the happiest day of my grandparents' lives. look at them there. beaming

pisses me off that the votes of my partner and I will only cancel out the votes of the Reform cunts next door. ideally one or both of them should die, or there should be some system in place that makes it illegal to vote for the parties I don't like. that to me is true democracy

you okay @sirtonyrobinson.bsky.social? not seen any dancing videos off you today, hope you're alright pal 👍

the boomers waking up tomorrow, opening the GB News app on their stupid phones with the brightness at 100% and font size 72pt, seeing this image, and actually feeling ecstatic about it

absolutely dreading the horrible scenes I'm going to wake up to on Friday morning. have to remind myself that there are also many good things to look forward to in the near future, such as the imminent death of Gary Glitter

Oohhh I dunno, let's just say that almost a hundred people liked *those* wedding party photos 🤣 #pineappleonhead #uptownfunk #hangoverfromhell

ugh that'll be it, my kids are always asking to watch this

in the last 2 days my 5yo has told me that I'm not happy because my life is not exciting, I'm not funny, I'm angry all the time and I don't know how to brush my teeth because my teeth are yellow. all with zero malice and just the factual tone of an impartial documentarian.

The Drifters: A Warning From History

"it's not unusual to go out at any time" oh yeah what about like 3.50am

me, reacting to the claims of those who say that you are not all that: ha-ha-ha-ha

I can't get excited about payday anymore, my current account may as well be the paedo in a Mumsnet revenge fantasy, repeatedly brought back to life solely for the purpose of being immediately killed again

well... at least these ones are over 20

bag o' shite.

I suppose Hannah Spencer has a problem with me having a swift 3-4 pints on my lunch break too, does she. take it up with Arriva love.

Hope the MJ film has this spinning into frame like a front page about racketeering in a 1940's crime flick.

I reckon the worst part of living in a cashless society would be at the end of a visit to your nan when she goes "here you go" and starts waving her debit card around and you have to go "no honestly nanna, it's fine - you keep it, nooo" while holding out a portable card reader

don't think they're going to find them in there

no offence but that sounds like something that someone with literally zero vocabulary would do

I'd know that look anywhere. Lord Sugar is 100% filling his nappy here

is there a worse sight than this when opening an envelope

son was playing Spiderman catching baddies at breakfast this morning. after catching them he said he needed to build a helmet so he could make a massive wooden bowl to put them in for transportation to the police. sounds like we have a future local council star on our hands

woman on Facebook boasting that seaweed powder from Home Bargains has given her dog teeth 'just like Ryland'

There's somebody at the shore! There's somebody at the shore!

me looking at my mother in law's life support machine ladies and gentlemen

disappointed but sadly not surprised by Grotbags backing Reform

just been asking my 5yo son about his latest annoying obsession Johnny Go. he had no idea what I was talking about. turns out he's actually called Danny Go. Chuck Berry ass howler

the first thing that happens when you die is that you smell every fart made by every living being throughout history all at the same time

dreamt I won £100,000 on a scratchcard, then woke to the sight of my loving family who have empty pockets but hearts full of love. what a fucking con

at last he has revealed what his late parents' professions were

a Lib Dem action film called Moderate Heat

only 5 more Michael Jackson documentaries til Christmas

if you're just about to tuck in to your lunch, may I just remind you of Martin Clunes as Huw Edwards wanking himself off to completion

if he was truly committed to the bit he would've called himself Philip Uranus

Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull's condemnation of space travel as a hobby for rich twats is so deeply felt that he throws a personal friend under the bus for doing it, but he then veers so wildly into Spinal Tap territory it's simply iconic

thanks for fuck all you useless twat 👍

Donald Trump has vowed to wipe out 93 million people TONIGHT btw. that's one person for each mile between the earth and the sun

The world has to end some way. It may as well be because Donald Trump shagged some children | Simon Dudley, for The Spectator

I turd my shelf today

People are strange When you're a stranger Faces look ugly When you're alone Women seem wicked When you're unwanted Streets are uneven When you're down When you're strange Faces come out of the rain When you're strange Poo on the shelf in The Range

if Donald Trump hadn't been born into money he would now be like a mad old granddad you have to keep locked in the coalshed and feed through a gap under the door

What you gonna do with all that ass, all that ass inside them jeans? I'm gonna have have have a poo, have a poo on a shelf in The Range

did he really say this