Mötley Düde

"Oh you like fantasy football? Here's everyone single person who posted their fantasy team to All I Do Is Win" - my tiktok algorithm tonight

what is the acceptable time to wait before dropping a deuce in a toilet that was cleaned I mean, am I supposed to shit in the yard like an animal because somebody just scrubbed the bowl

Therapist: how are you today? Me:

do i really have to stop skeeting and start working? what kind of bullshit scam did i fall for

can't, gotta dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body

💯

"learn AI" man fuck off with that shit if AI was so awesome it would teach me itself matrix-style

whoever decided that saturday is the day we all need to do everything we didn’t get done during the week should be spit upon and kicked a little

this is my fighting style

naming my nuts Pete and RePete

Smoking! in the boys' room

I prefer my old busted look anyway, thank you very much

get out of my fridge

I like my coffee like I like my market... black

sry boss not coming in today coz I dreamt about work all night feels like I put my 8 hours in already

The funniest fucking things never seem to catch.

maybe she was born with it, maybe she just twisted her ankle

I don’t even know what you’re talking about but I fully support it.

Actually, yes, I do read all your posts but I don’t want anyone else to

m.youtube.com/watch?v=m3di... Comments section for this is brilliant, I think this one is my favourite

In "Peanuts," Snoopy began his career as an author 60 years ago, on July 12, 1965. "It was a dark and stormy night" was the opening line of the 1830 novel "Paul Clifford" by Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

me when the same e̶l̶e̶v̶e̶n̶ five people always liking my posts like my post

post your cum face

*plays Roxanne full blast on repeat at midnight so the neighbors call the police*

Sometimes I lie on my arm till it goes numb so it feels like a stranger is shitposting

can't, snack wraps are back at Mickey D's

"still alpha," I boast as I hang my "BRO'S BEFORE HO'S" sign on the hot tub

you think it feels like the world is ending NOW? imagine how it felt in 1 BC when the years have been counting down your whole life. that shit must've been terrifying.

today, after 38 years of marriage, I filed for divorce on biblical grounds (she's been living in a whale's stomach since last June)

Cocoon 2: Posthumous Boogaloo

Whenever I say “we” just know I’m talking about me, my brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl.

Subscribe to my account and receive regular disappointment, plenty of disgust, and a plethora of stupidity.

LeBron in the streets, Bronny in the sheets* *me, flirting

eyes wide shut the fuck up

wife says I dress like a 21 y/o and honestly I feel like I'll always be 21 in my heart so presenting my new clothing store FOREV- ...say what *ahem* presenting my new clothing store 21 FOREVER

sometimes you just need to take your mind off of bluesky with more bluesky

When I get no likes it's like bringing my beautiful antipasto salad with homegrown veggies and homemade cheese and even my own beer only to get the stinkeye from the hosts

I call up radio stations and ask them to play 5 minutes of static. And they do it because I know things about the DJ that they don't want to go public. He once shat in a baseball cap and then wore it to the movies.

Mamdani is short for mambo dancing immigrants and this is why we have to eliminate ranked choice voting

unfollowing all media accounts bc my wife keeps me informed on current events via TikTok

wife: who keeps texting you me: nobody, they're bsky notifications wife: me: see, these people liked my repost of somebody else's post so- wife: why can't you just have an affair like normal men you fucking nerd

I like seeing notifications from my reposts of other people's skeets. It's a good way to remind myself that everyone doesn't have my account muted, they just don't like MY skeets.

Time is an illusion. Please turn your attention to the formula I've placed on the overhead projector, which proves 1985 was only 10 "years" ago.

my skeet style? get off my lawn

So kiss a little longer Laugh a little longer Get ghosted a little longer Stalk his social media a little longer Melt down a little longer Check yourself in to a mental health institution a little longer Longer with Big Red®️

Midnight Train to Georgia (ft. Right Said Fred)

Somebody That I Used to Know (ft. Art Garfunkel)

Fuck Da Police (ft. Edith Piaf)