Gaming doesn’t count as screen time. Gaming is books. Unless it’s on your phone - that is screen time. Movies are books unless they are Marvel, who produce screen time. Television is screen time.

baseball’s second-biggest problem is that fully 29 of its franchises don’t actually care to compete for the best players and would rather do price collusion. its biggest problem is how many baseball fans are herb-ass scab losers who think this makes the 30th franchise the bad guy

we made up sex in 1970 to sell more crop tops

there's so many of these

costco announces new agentic ai integration where it can recommend which pallet of 520 rolls of toilet paper will be most compatible with your ass

anyway it's cool that RAM costs $5,000 now so that grok can say stuff like "Want to order some epic none pizza with left beef or are you (((lactose intollerant)))"

uploading my lipid panel to the papa johns chatbot

indistinguishable from when companies were saying gibberish like "we will be putting funkopop on the blockchain" because the shit-for-brains CEO huffed too many linkedin fumes. A product for absolutely fucking nobody, solving a completely imaginary problem nobody can even articulate.

(average google exec) What is Gemini so great for? Let me give you an example: I was at the DMV the other day and i'm so fucking stupid that i don't know my own name. ai can scan my photos and tell me a name it saw on a greeting card in one photo. is it mine? who knows. probably?

i will never learn what in the hell it means to “follow so-and-so on Meta AI” not why i would want to, thank’s

Bari Weiss i was definitely planning to watch Whiskey Fridays with Tom Dokoupil along with my many white male friends aged 18-49. Please do not let the haters make you walk back this wonderful idea and do it for real. It will be a hit with the kids i promise.

We made it

why is newsom even talking to shapiro man. why are democrats all so fucking stupid

on the whole i would say it is not a particularly good sign for the project that these kinds of guys are coming off the sideline

alright i'm convinced. AI is actually useful because it can tell you your tire size when you go to get them changed, a fact you don't need to know in order to get them changed and which the attendant will ignore and verify themself anyway. it's worth RAM costing $40,000 for this now.

Wispy Fridays with Tom Dokoupil

"Genius" Ayatollah ends protests instantly by wearing QR code

ok but what if the pig who gassed a baby had been wearing a QR code

it fucking rocks how you can't buy anything anymore because an AI company bought up all the RAM on the planet for GPUs which will be stored in warehouses because the datacenters they're intended for haven't even started construction yet. da future baybee.

The other night I dreamed that there was something like the Kardashev scale to see how advanced a civilization was but instead of measuring how much energy they had harnessed it was whether or not they had yet created SpongeBob

You KNOW I am sensitive to political assassinations BAYLESS: Absolutely STEPHEN A: BUT!

QR code thing is the most The Democrats™ idea possible. It doesn't attempt to solve the problem, only looks like it improves the situation if you don't think about it very hard, and it incentivizes ppl to bring their phones and become even more trackable by ICE. 5000 IQ brain genius party.

my favourite part about this dipshit's QR code idea is that he looked at reports of ICE doing mass warrantless tracking of people via their cellphones and thought damn, people are really going to like my idea

(trying to triangulate the exact most useless do-nothing idea possible) ok but what if the gestapo had QR codes like an annoying restaurant menu

he's just pimping JD for love of the game

Can’t stop laughing at this post on the home improvement subreddit

Tom Dokoupil’s Courvoisier Corner

Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville™’s CBS News

Increasingly incoherent Tom Dokoupil welcomes you to his new segment “Sterno Wednesdays”

Hi I’m Tom Dokoupli and welcome to Thunderbird Thursdays here at CBS News. What’s the word? Thunderbird.

Malt Liquor Mondays with Tom Dokpupil, brought to you by Colt 45.

ahh yeah here he comes, big G, ricky gervais himself, looks like he brought a bag lunch, smart

Pulling an R Budd Dwyer live in the middle of your set can never be made funny. Your move, Rick.

personally i don't think the former mayor of new york should have to die just because he lost the election. didn't realize he drew a comic tho

Ziggy guy: see you in Valhalla brother

Thinking about that time the My Little Pony comics, of all things, absolutely bodied Scott Adams.

i think i have some idea what was cumming, scott

scott adams said one of my youtube videos was bad one time. now he's dead. i think there's a lesson there

when i was a kid and didn't know who he was, i loved dilbert. now all i think about him is that time he asked chatgpt to hypnotize him and then posted that it was "too powerful for him to share the prompts"

scott dilbert died of hypnotizing himself into jacking off too much. rip scott dilbert.

🕯️My cousin Brian passed away last night. After a courageous 3 wk stint with ICE. He slipped on a fellow agent’s frozen peepee puddle & somersaulted many times in the air, yelling “yabbada yabbada yabbada” & tragically aspirating (a different) agent’s pee he’d been gargling. He hated women🇺🇸💔

I'm going to see your 'Abolish ICE' and raise you a 'Get rid of the entire Department of Homeland Security'

Made the mistake of trying to find a chart about inflation by searching for inflation on here and got a reminder that while most people think Bluesky is a place for politics, it's actually a place for furries to jack off

guy who sees political momentum for not having a gestapo and thinks but what if we negotiated ourselves down to having a better trained gestapo

"Better Training for the Racist Militia!" -- guy who insisted "Abolish ICE" was a bad slogan

Attachment issues

She’s always shooting her own dogs 😔

so you can build a machine that creates naked pictures of children, stores naked pictures of children, and distributes naked pictures of children to any and all who desire them, and this is supposed to somehow be in violation of no laws whatsoever?