[Couples' Counselling] My wife: "I'm leaving if he doesn't stop talking in corporate cliches." Me (in tears): "Please don't downsize our unit!"

GUY TALKING ON HIS CELL: the cops want to pay my company to reconstruct a murder scene ME: *under my breath* they're gonna make a killing

Perhaps today will be Good™️ instead of the usual Very Bad™️

If growing up Catholic taught me anything, it's that it's perfectly safe for 300 people to drink from the same cup as long as you give the rim a little wipe with a napkin each time.

Everyone seems allergic to the word, but Charlie Kirk was not an activist, he was a propagandist. Turning Point was a meme factory backed by a billionaire designed to steer kids towards Christian Nationalism. He didn’t advocate for policy; he spun narratives to change beliefs. Propaganda.

It's not hard. Murder and acts of political violence are wrong. AND ... making money and harming real people by mainstreaming bigotry, misogyny, and fascism, while also promoting violence, are also wrong. AND ... that the latter leads to the former is not surprising.

I wasn't done reading Codependent No More but I returned it early anyway because Libby said two people were waiting 😭

When your friend tells you he's gonna be a dad the polite reply is "Congratulations, idiot."

Coda pendant

Making them wear high-visibility vests over camo is such a good joke you couldn’t write it

I'm sorry, but if the phrase "wash out the pan" appears anywhere in your "one-pan" recipe, then legally it is not a one-pan recipe.

those french fries were horrible and I should know I ate every last one of them

Biscuit. Triscuit. Quadriscuit. Quintiscuit...

My cat when we close the bedroom door

I love how in spring trees just spooge everywhere and we humans are all like oh no not in my eyes achoo

ME: hey I can't find my phone, can you call it for me FRIEND: it's right there on the table ME: [changed the ringtone last night to the theme from Night Court] just do it

Perhaps my biggest irrational fear as a child was becoming a professional baseball player and having some kid with a terminal disease ask me to hit a home run for him and I'm like sure kid then go 0-4 with 3 Ks

Moby Dick wasn't the only song to make me fall in love with rock tracks with no lyrics, but it was instrumental.

helpful graphic re: severe weather. stay safe my friends

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Innocent protesters are arrested for their political views while fans of Steely Dan walk free make it make sense

LPT: Leave. For anywhere. Just go. Tonight.

Sure I could spend all day reading choose your own adventure books but to what end?

I can't make fried rice in the microwave anymore because of wok.

you’re fired. wait you’re rehired. email us a list of things you’ve done today wait forget it you’re fired again. come back your job was important. you’re fired. or hired. come in to the office. wait the office has no computers go home. we are the department of government efficiency.

Whenever my dog goes poop I say to him "Whew! What have you been eating, dog food??" This is what I do for fun.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens, I did a poopie in one of your mittens ;)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: help is there a doctor on board DOCTOR: *rushing forward* yes i’m a doctor FLIGHT ATTENDANT: please hurry this man is choking on an apple DOCTOR: *backing away* oh shit oh fuck

There's been a male barred owl in our neighborhood so we named him Duo for the Duolingo owl, then the female showed up so we called her Dua, and when the chick comes she'll be Lipa

Here's the thing, kid ... you can't pick a pickled pepper and the seashore is a stupid place to sell seashells

every AC/DC song is a novelty song change my mind

I'm afraid I must politely decline your invitation, given the horrors at present.

what fresh horrors await us today

If you see something (horses), say something ("horses")

They predicted social media

me: this is really hard for me to say. wife: omg what is it. me: [slides note that says ferrero rocher]

I wanna thank God for making me rich. Hasn't happened yet though, c'mon God, I'm in a thankin mood!

Hey does anybody know what to do

uh okay lol don't threaten me with a good time

Is DeepSeek R1 OpenAI’s “Sputnik Moment?” No. None of those words actually mean anything

No disrespect to the navy but they have the worst blue

Round up to feed hungry kids? 1. Sure. 2. Ask me next time. 3. Bitch yer a supermarket all the food's right here why donchu fuggin do it

SINGLE BEST FRIEND: I'm thinking of getting married and starting a family ME: (befriended him 8 months ago so he'd will me his PS5) no man think it through

OTHER DAD: hey your kid and mine have the same birthday ME: oh cool we must have nutted on the same day

Oh, for the days when tech companies still treated me like a princess

Always know it's gonna snow because my knee starts to ache and my eyes become large and the light that you shine can't be seen

The homies in my brass band hate when I call it a trombrone

"These are the most destructive fires in California history."